On Virtue and Sexual Harassment

**  Warning:  Candid material of a sexual nature **
May include triggers for anxiety and sexual abuse
Also, I understand this is not only a female issue, but this blog is aimed at women

Since joining the church I have often heard this catchy little phrase:  Virtue attracts virtue.  While I understand the goal of this seemingly constructive phrase, it carries the same problem the analogy of the frog and boiling water, being that it simply is not true.  I think it comes from a talk given by a General Authority in which it was stated that a virtuous person will seek a virtuous mate, but it has spread like wildfire through our individual stakes to be "virtue attracts virtue."  I find it a rather dangerous premise to teach young girls.

The first time I can remember having a first hand experience with not attracting virtue was in elementary school.  I was swimming at the apartment pool where my dad lived when a neighbor exposed his penis to me.  I looked at his penis.  I looked at his face.  He smiled, looked at his penis, and then looked back at me.  I think I might have been nine years old.  I didn't tell anyone immediately because I did not understand that stuff like that happens- that there are people who get off on that.  I convinced myself that maybe I was confused or what actually happened did not actually happen.  That same week, the guy gave my dad a train whistle for me to have.

When I was in middle school, I began volunteering to fill a gifted and talented program requirement of community  service.  I did 40 hours of community service at a local park where I got to know a few people really well. I loved it so much that I continued to volunteer after the requirement was fulfilled.  I bonded with other volunteers and hung out with my supervisor doing all kinds of odd jobs around the park.  My supervisor was this not quite my parents age, laid back guy who was always very candid with us (me and two other volunteers).  He was fun to be around, even if his occasional comments about my developing twelve-year-old body took me by surprise.  Two years after I began volunteering there, I was told my supervisor went to jail for drawing and creating child pornography of two of the volunteers there. All these years later, he is out and lives about fifteen minutes from me.

By the time I reached high school, I knew what inappropriate was, and yet I still had a hard time drawing a line between what was real and what my mind was fabricating.  My sophomore year I had a teacher who made time often to be alone with me.   He never crossed the line, so I wondered if his flirtations were in my head.  It wasn't until he had his hands in the front pocket of my hoodie and giving me hugs that were way too long and uncomfortable that I realized this was not normal or okay.  He moved schools and I never saw him again.

By my senior year, I decided that men in authority were not to be trusted.  Some may be trustworthy, but how can you tell when clearly the ones who weren't knew how to blend in?  So when my computer teacher started making lewd comments about my body, I told him to shut his mouth or I would get him fired.  Three years later, he drove his car into a tree after being accused of similar acts by a couple other girls at that school.

Just sitting here I have thought of half a dozen more stories like this, but I'll finish with a recent one.

A few weeks ago, while waiting in the car with my two-year-old for a friend, another car pulled up beside me.  I got the feel something was odd by the way this young guy pulled up and did not go anywhere.  He simply made eye contact for a moment, and then I went back to talking to the kiddo.  It was about five or ten minutes later, when I looked up at him still in his car and realized his penis was completely exposed and he was masturbating, while watching me and my child.  I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.  I was also five and a half months pregnant.  This time, I called the police and reported his plate number and vehicle description.

Clearly, my reaction to sexual harassment evolved over time.  If I had been the me I am today, those situations may have ended differently.  So why am I revealing all of this now?  What purpose does it serve to air this out in a setting so public as the internet?

To let you know this stuff happens every single day.
Not just to girls and women who invite it.
Not just to those who wear tank tops.
Not just to those who were drunk at that party.
Not just to those who are popular.
Not just to those who have perfect bodies.
This stuff happens to women and girls all the time.  Having to deal with stuff like this is a reality of being a woman.

I consider myself to be a virtuous woman (having or showing high moral standards as defined by Google), or at least striving to be a virtuous woman.  I take steps to live a clean and moral life, particularly free from sexual temptation. So why then are men who are clearly not on a virtuous path attracted to me?  The honest answer is that I have absolutely no idea, but it has nothing to do with my virtue.  How can a nine year old swimming in apartment pool be unvirtuous?  Furthermore, children in particular will internalize this.  If I am on the receiving end of this harassment, clearly it's my fault.  I must not be virtuous enough.  No, no, no.  This is wrong.

Noteworthy is that when writing about this experience I was tempted to use words like immorality, licentious, or some other synonym that would take the place of the word sexual or try to use other words besides penis and masturbate.  I wonder why that is.  Possibly because virtue is not limited to cleanliness of a sexual nature in my mind.  Or maybe because at this point in my church membership I have started shying away from candid speech.  I really hope it is not the latter.  Candid speech on particular topics (including this one) is really necessary.  In fact, I would say that not understanding sexuality is just as dangerous as becoming too familiar too soon.  If a gal does not know the dangerous possibilities, she will not know how to prepare herself.  Virtue is definitely worth striving for, and I do believe virtue will protect you spiritually.  However, being virtuous does not mean that you are not a target for scuzzy people.   Virtue will not protect you physically.  You have to protect you physically.  Let us not confuse virtue with naivete.

As we are preparing for our baby girl, I ask the husband what his thoughts were on how to make sure our daughter could protect herself against such aforementioned predicaments or to help her handle them.  His eyes went kind of wide and he shook his head, saying that he had never really thought about it;  that the idea that women had to deal with this kind of thing made him really angry.

I am suggesting that we maintain and even work to increase our virtue while educating ourselves, one another, and our children on the realities of being women and the precautions we need to take.  The first steps are identifying how to empower ourselves, our children, and one another.

1. Start early with appropriate education.  Do not give vague, inaccurate names to your children's anatomy.  Teach your children to use proper words like penis and vagina.  Teach them not to be ashamed to use proper anatomical terms.  This will cut the embarrassment of 1) asking questions and 2) reporting wrong doing on the part of anyone in their lives.  
2. As soon as your daughters start going out by themselves, get them some pepper spray.  I once had a classmate interview a campus police officer on film where he advised all the women on campus against pepper spray.  He said that pepper spray would simply inflame the confrontation further, and that what he really recommended was a rape whistle.  Ladies, when a man is coming after you, go for the pepper spray over the rape whistle 100% of the time. Police do not appear out of thin air when a whistle is blown.  However, your attacker's eyes will immediately begin to burn if you hit them point blank with pepper spray, thus allowing you time to escape.  I suggest Guardian Self Defense products because of their handiness and low cost.  
3. Teach your child to trust her own instincts.  If something feels wrong or felt wrong, even if she cannot put her finger on it exactly, get out of the situation.  Teach her to be confident in her decision to do so, and help her understand that she does not have to justify getting out of a situation to anyone if it makes her uncomfortable.  Teach her to set aside her manners and being polite if she feels threatened.  Something predators feed on is that we teach girls from a very young age to be pleasing and polite.  That's got to go.  I love manners, but being abrupt, direct, and curt has its place, too.  
4. Help her to understand proper boundaries.  What is an appropriate neighborly relationship?  How about a familial relationship?  What about your teachers, coaches, boss?  What is the importance of boundaries in these relationships?  Let's stop making inappropriate power dynamics sexy.  Make it an open discussion, one that is not had merely once.
5. Believe her.  Whether it's your friend, sister, daughter, or whoever.  If she says something is not right or something happened, believe her.  Opening up about something like this is hard.  I remember not reporting the situation with the sophomore teacher because I thought if I said anything over something that may have been all in my head, I could ruin his life or I would be in trouble.  It felt like once opened, the situation would never go away.  Telling someone would make it real, so I kept it to myself until years later.
6. Enroll your kids in a self defense class of some sort, be it karate, krav maga, whatever.  These classes boost confidence (something that predators target less) and promote being able to take someone down should they come after you.  
7. Identify with your daughter appropriate responses and reactions in varying degrees to sexual harassment.  Maybe it is enough to leave the room.  Maybe you need to inform a parent.  Maybe you should call the cops.  While all these conversations may seem daunting, the more you have them, the more natural they will become.  Awkward goes away.  
8. Recognize that trends in fashion may promote attacks- and no, I am not talking about mini skirts and tank tops.  I am talking about high heels, ponytails, big jewelry, tight clothing.  All of these things either restrict one's ability to run or they are easy to grab and restrain a person.  When I worked until all hours of the night in the city, I would pack an extra pair of shoes and would remove my jewelry before leaving the building.  
9. Have a Tell Someone policy.  For example, if someone makes you uncomfortable by showing, talking, touching, etc., tell Mama and/ or Daddy.  If Mama makes you uncomfortable, tell Daddy.  If Daddy makes you uncomfortable, tell Mama.  Tell Someone.  

Am I suggesting you should have to do all these things?  No.  I am saying that is the reality of our world currently.  I am saying that to give our daughters the best chance of nipping this kind of garbage in the bud is to educate them on how to prepare themselves rather than feeding them the idea that if they are virtuous, shady characters will not be drawn to them.