On Virtue and Sexual Harassment

**  Warning:  Candid material of a sexual nature **
May include triggers for anxiety and sexual abuse
Also, I understand this is not only a female issue, but this blog is aimed at women

Since joining the church I have often heard this catchy little phrase:  Virtue attracts virtue.  While I understand the goal of this seemingly constructive phrase, it carries the same problem the analogy of the frog and boiling water, being that it simply is not true.  I think it comes from a talk given by a General Authority in which it was stated that a virtuous person will seek a virtuous mate, but it has spread like wildfire through our individual stakes to be "virtue attracts virtue."  I find it a rather dangerous premise to teach young girls.

The first time I can remember having a first hand experience with not attracting virtue was in elementary school.  I was swimming at the apartment pool where my dad lived when a neighbor exposed his penis to me.  I looked at his penis.  I looked at his face.  He smiled, looked at his penis, and then looked back at me.  I think I might have been nine years old.  I didn't tell anyone immediately because I did not understand that stuff like that happens- that there are people who get off on that.  I convinced myself that maybe I was confused or what actually happened did not actually happen.  That same week, the guy gave my dad a train whistle for me to have.

When I was in middle school, I began volunteering to fill a gifted and talented program requirement of community  service.  I did 40 hours of community service at a local park where I got to know a few people really well. I loved it so much that I continued to volunteer after the requirement was fulfilled.  I bonded with other volunteers and hung out with my supervisor doing all kinds of odd jobs around the park.  My supervisor was this not quite my parents age, laid back guy who was always very candid with us (me and two other volunteers).  He was fun to be around, even if his occasional comments about my developing twelve-year-old body took me by surprise.  Two years after I began volunteering there, I was told my supervisor went to jail for drawing and creating child pornography of two of the volunteers there. All these years later, he is out and lives about fifteen minutes from me.

By the time I reached high school, I knew what inappropriate was, and yet I still had a hard time drawing a line between what was real and what my mind was fabricating.  My sophomore year I had a teacher who made time often to be alone with me.   He never crossed the line, so I wondered if his flirtations were in my head.  It wasn't until he had his hands in the front pocket of my hoodie and giving me hugs that were way too long and uncomfortable that I realized this was not normal or okay.  He moved schools and I never saw him again.

By my senior year, I decided that men in authority were not to be trusted.  Some may be trustworthy, but how can you tell when clearly the ones who weren't knew how to blend in?  So when my computer teacher started making lewd comments about my body, I told him to shut his mouth or I would get him fired.  Three years later, he drove his car into a tree after being accused of similar acts by a couple other girls at that school.

Just sitting here I have thought of half a dozen more stories like this, but I'll finish with a recent one.

A few weeks ago, while waiting in the car with my two-year-old for a friend, another car pulled up beside me.  I got the feel something was odd by the way this young guy pulled up and did not go anywhere.  He simply made eye contact for a moment, and then I went back to talking to the kiddo.  It was about five or ten minutes later, when I looked up at him still in his car and realized his penis was completely exposed and he was masturbating, while watching me and my child.  I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.  I was also five and a half months pregnant.  This time, I called the police and reported his plate number and vehicle description.

Clearly, my reaction to sexual harassment evolved over time.  If I had been the me I am today, those situations may have ended differently.  So why am I revealing all of this now?  What purpose does it serve to air this out in a setting so public as the internet?

To let you know this stuff happens every single day.
Not just to girls and women who invite it.
Not just to those who wear tank tops.
Not just to those who were drunk at that party.
Not just to those who are popular.
Not just to those who have perfect bodies.
This stuff happens to women and girls all the time.  Having to deal with stuff like this is a reality of being a woman.

I consider myself to be a virtuous woman (having or showing high moral standards as defined by Google), or at least striving to be a virtuous woman.  I take steps to live a clean and moral life, particularly free from sexual temptation. So why then are men who are clearly not on a virtuous path attracted to me?  The honest answer is that I have absolutely no idea, but it has nothing to do with my virtue.  How can a nine year old swimming in apartment pool be unvirtuous?  Furthermore, children in particular will internalize this.  If I am on the receiving end of this harassment, clearly it's my fault.  I must not be virtuous enough.  No, no, no.  This is wrong.

Noteworthy is that when writing about this experience I was tempted to use words like immorality, licentious, or some other synonym that would take the place of the word sexual or try to use other words besides penis and masturbate.  I wonder why that is.  Possibly because virtue is not limited to cleanliness of a sexual nature in my mind.  Or maybe because at this point in my church membership I have started shying away from candid speech.  I really hope it is not the latter.  Candid speech on particular topics (including this one) is really necessary.  In fact, I would say that not understanding sexuality is just as dangerous as becoming too familiar too soon.  If a gal does not know the dangerous possibilities, she will not know how to prepare herself.  Virtue is definitely worth striving for, and I do believe virtue will protect you spiritually.  However, being virtuous does not mean that you are not a target for scuzzy people.   Virtue will not protect you physically.  You have to protect you physically.  Let us not confuse virtue with naivete.

As we are preparing for our baby girl, I ask the husband what his thoughts were on how to make sure our daughter could protect herself against such aforementioned predicaments or to help her handle them.  His eyes went kind of wide and he shook his head, saying that he had never really thought about it;  that the idea that women had to deal with this kind of thing made him really angry.

I am suggesting that we maintain and even work to increase our virtue while educating ourselves, one another, and our children on the realities of being women and the precautions we need to take.  The first steps are identifying how to empower ourselves, our children, and one another.

1. Start early with appropriate education.  Do not give vague, inaccurate names to your children's anatomy.  Teach your children to use proper words like penis and vagina.  Teach them not to be ashamed to use proper anatomical terms.  This will cut the embarrassment of 1) asking questions and 2) reporting wrong doing on the part of anyone in their lives.  
2. As soon as your daughters start going out by themselves, get them some pepper spray.  I once had a classmate interview a campus police officer on film where he advised all the women on campus against pepper spray.  He said that pepper spray would simply inflame the confrontation further, and that what he really recommended was a rape whistle.  Ladies, when a man is coming after you, go for the pepper spray over the rape whistle 100% of the time. Police do not appear out of thin air when a whistle is blown.  However, your attacker's eyes will immediately begin to burn if you hit them point blank with pepper spray, thus allowing you time to escape.  I suggest Guardian Self Defense products because of their handiness and low cost.  
3. Teach your child to trust her own instincts.  If something feels wrong or felt wrong, even if she cannot put her finger on it exactly, get out of the situation.  Teach her to be confident in her decision to do so, and help her understand that she does not have to justify getting out of a situation to anyone if it makes her uncomfortable.  Teach her to set aside her manners and being polite if she feels threatened.  Something predators feed on is that we teach girls from a very young age to be pleasing and polite.  That's got to go.  I love manners, but being abrupt, direct, and curt has its place, too.  
4. Help her to understand proper boundaries.  What is an appropriate neighborly relationship?  How about a familial relationship?  What about your teachers, coaches, boss?  What is the importance of boundaries in these relationships?  Let's stop making inappropriate power dynamics sexy.  Make it an open discussion, one that is not had merely once.
5. Believe her.  Whether it's your friend, sister, daughter, or whoever.  If she says something is not right or something happened, believe her.  Opening up about something like this is hard.  I remember not reporting the situation with the sophomore teacher because I thought if I said anything over something that may have been all in my head, I could ruin his life or I would be in trouble.  It felt like once opened, the situation would never go away.  Telling someone would make it real, so I kept it to myself until years later.
6. Enroll your kids in a self defense class of some sort, be it karate, krav maga, whatever.  These classes boost confidence (something that predators target less) and promote being able to take someone down should they come after you.  
7. Identify with your daughter appropriate responses and reactions in varying degrees to sexual harassment.  Maybe it is enough to leave the room.  Maybe you need to inform a parent.  Maybe you should call the cops.  While all these conversations may seem daunting, the more you have them, the more natural they will become.  Awkward goes away.  
8. Recognize that trends in fashion may promote attacks- and no, I am not talking about mini skirts and tank tops.  I am talking about high heels, ponytails, big jewelry, tight clothing.  All of these things either restrict one's ability to run or they are easy to grab and restrain a person.  When I worked until all hours of the night in the city, I would pack an extra pair of shoes and would remove my jewelry before leaving the building.  
9. Have a Tell Someone policy.  For example, if someone makes you uncomfortable by showing, talking, touching, etc., tell Mama and/ or Daddy.  If Mama makes you uncomfortable, tell Daddy.  If Daddy makes you uncomfortable, tell Mama.  Tell Someone.  

Am I suggesting you should have to do all these things?  No.  I am saying that is the reality of our world currently.  I am saying that to give our daughters the best chance of nipping this kind of garbage in the bud is to educate them on how to prepare themselves rather than feeding them the idea that if they are virtuous, shady characters will not be drawn to them.  

Anxiously Engaged in a Good Cause

Summer has been very busy.  It seems like I always feel that way, but our summer has been and will continue to be super jam packed.  This is probably my fault because I love having something to do.  I get antsy when there is something to pour myself into.  J and I joke about how if he leaves me alone for too long, he'll come home to new walls in our home and old walls torn down (when I say we joke about it, what I really mean is we laugh about the times that has actually happened).  In the Doctrine and Covenants  it tells us:

Verily I say, [you] should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, 

and do many things of [your] own free will, 

and bring to pass much righteousness.*

This is my favorite scripture and one that I hope to impress its importance to my progeny.  Believe in something enough to take action.  Be passionate an educated about your ideals.

For a while my good cause has been feminism and causes surrounding political equality for all.  I am truly excited with much of the happenings lately politically.  While there are a few causes that I feel particularly strong about (Ahem, cough, Planned Parenthood, cough), I think taking a break from high involvement in macro level politics is going to be good for me.  So.  Is it time to tear down some more walls?

I'm thinking not.  While we were visiting Utah a little while back, two happenings led me in a new direction. The first was reading a book called Living Green: a practical guide to simple sustainability by Greg Horn.  As you could probably take surmise from the title, it's a book about living our daily lives in a more Earth-friendly fashion.  Here's my mini-book-review:

If you can get past the fact that Horn has an issue with definitely presenting his argument and a total disregard for the oxford comma, it is a pretty handy resource.  The book is divided into three parts:  health, home, and future.  This is particularly convenient because you don't necessarily have to sit down and read the whole book.  A lot of times with my household crazy, I skim books like this rather than dedicate the three months it would actually take me to accumulate enough time to read it.  Within each chapter there are grey boxes that list WHAT YOU CAN DO, and then lists four to eight steps you can take to move in a greener direction.  The chapter goes on to describe in detail the steps, give examples, and also to suggest how to break these steps down into bite size pieces that you and your family can handle.  I know that, personally, changes in my life are more likely to stick around if I implement them if a slow and rational fashion (Think Cam's crash diet in Modern Family).

The second happening was a text message that read:  Do you want to do a triathlon with me?

What does it all mean?  It means I found found my next cause.  It may sound extreme- it does to me anyway-but I have really been thinking about preparation.  When I think about the commandments and wise suggestions from the First Presidency and the Twelve Apostles I realize that every advice and direction given is in preparation for something more.  A few examples, you ask?

1. Do not steal:  Preparing a person to be honorable for others to trust.  When you trust those with whom you work, more is accomplished to a higher standard.  Everyone benefits.
2. Don't cheat on your spouse:  Preparation to have strong family unit for protection and happiness.  Preparation of loyalty so one doesn't have to choose in the moment to who she should be loyal.  
3. Take care of your body (or the Word of Wisdom):  Preparation for your body to be healthy enough and strong enough to take on whatever the Lord requires of you as we go through out our journey.  

My new cause is... drum roll, please...  taking care of our environment and our bodies.  I am really worried that by the time my kiddo has babies, the world is going to be a grim place by how previous generations have taken care of it.  We have started recycling and trying to make all of our household products all natural if not organic.  It can make a difference not only for the environment but in how the members of the household feel.  As far as caring for my personal body, I am really paying attention to what I put in it.  I am never (read: NEVER) in favor of dieting plans**, but if I were, I think I would like Weight Watchers because from what I have heard, it teaches not how to starve yourself, but rather how to make sensible choices.  And that, my friends, is what health is about:  Making choices for your body both nutritionally and physically.  My personal goals for health are to finish two triathlons before October.  I'll be sure to tell ya'll how I do.  

What is your cause today?

*Please note that I am consciously ignoring President Dalton's ideas on this particular topic.  I think she was a wonderful Young Women's president, but that her thoughts on action for rights were a little skewed towards the end.

**This is not because I am adverse to watching your weight, but I think any plan, no matter how efficient or healthy or reliable it is, that places its focus first on weight-loss and second on real health is a terrible idea.  And a terrible plan.  And yes, my idea of real health is demanding and stringent.  

I am Proud to be a Mormon Woman

Lately, there has been a lot of noise surrounding women in the LDS church, and it hasn't been great noise.  It's no secret that feminists are often under condemning judgment for one reason or another, and I think I have written an abundance on why Mormons need feminism and how the culture makes me shake my head at times.

Today, I want to talk about why I am proud to be a Mormon woman.
(An aside:  Because this is the internet, I feel I should qualify that I know that these are not only characteristic of Mormon women and not all Mormon women fit these characteristics, nor does any one woman have all of these qualities.  I am certainly not, but I aspire to be.  However, I have seen more of these characteristics in higher concentrations since I have been surrounded by Mormon women.)

1. Mormon women love to learn.  I say this both in a formal sense and in an everyday practical sense.  When I first joined this patriarchal church, I got the feeling that all the barefoot and pregnant women were letting go of furthering college to have babies and keep home.  That is far from the truth.  At the time I was in the Young Women's Presidency, every single leader had at least a Bachelor's degree.  I have one friend who told me she gave birth to her daughter and then took a final exam within a couple weeks.  Hard core.
   But even more than formal education, these women love to learn to do anything, particularly if it will add to their ability to care for their family.  Whether it has to do with nutrition (such as gardening and food preparation) or keeping the house standing (such as plumbing and general maintenance) or being self-sufficient (such as making soap and knitting clothing), Mormon women want to know as much as they can.  Then, they turn around and have Relief Society gatherings to teach all the other women how to do it.  It is a whole world of learning!
2. Mormon women are go getters.  I have noticed that among my SAHM circle (which is all Mo women since I don't really have another social outlet currently), no one waits for anyone to go first.  If someone want to be a member of a produce co-op, they start a produce co-op.  The same goes for Joy School and Playgroup.  Our stake's mission slogan was:
   
   I do hard things.
   I do hard things first, 
   And I am the first to do hard things.  
   
   
   Most of the women I know have really taken this to heart.  I think this could also be see as taking personal responsibility.  I once explained the concept known as diffusion of responsibility (bone up on your diffusion of responsibility here) to a friend of mine.  Upon my explanation of Kitty Genovese and the Bystander Effect, she looked horrified and replied, "But who would do that?"  The answer is so many people, but Mormon women seem to take it upon themselves to be the responsible party which ends up meaning things get accomplished.  
3. Mormon women generally have a least one awesome recipe up their sleeve.  It's true.  Especially in the case of bread.  Another cool thing is that they create a sense of community by passing bread starter from friend to friend like in the case of Amish Friendship Bread, which leads me to another cool point: Mormon women like to share.
4. Mormon women don't waste.  I think the fact that Mormon women like to share is an expansion on this fact.  I have heard the phrase "Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without," but I believe Mormon women would add upon that with "and then give it to a friend."  I love recycling clothes and household goods (Okay, I love recycling in general) because it means less junk for the Earth.  I don't know if it's a money thing or a love the Earth thing or love your friends thing, but Mormon women swap goods like it's nobody's business.  In fact, they even organize swaps in which you can drop off stuff during a particular week and then pick up anything there that you fancy.
   Along the same lines, in the produce co-op I am a part of, we get a lot of oranges, which is awesome because who doesn't love oranges?  Here I am making my orange juice and throwing peels away when one sister posts on the Co-op board something along the lines of, "We don't have to throw away our orange peels anymore;  I found something to do with them!!"  (Find out what it was here.)  Silly me thinking those orange peels were meant for the trash....
5. Mormon women know that having a bunch of little kids running around is chaotic.  And they are okay with that.  J and I had dinner the other day with another family who have two kiddos who sandwich E in age.  Throughout dinner and visiting, our kids all ran around like there was no tomorrow.  The house chaotic and loud and messy.  And no one cared.  Of course the stress of kids is lessened by the culture of Mormon life being centered around families (and big ones at that).   
6. Mormon women focus on the good stuff and press forward through the bad.  Particularly women who have been through horrendous happenings, I constantly see them reaching out to other people and focusing on what they are on Earth to do.  This makes them pretty happy and uplifting people.

In conclusion, you ladies rock!

Mom of the Stay At Home Variety

Living in the same town I grew up in means it is fairly common for me to run into people I used to know, which leads to the exchange of where-are-you-now's.

Me:  What are you up to these days?  

Old Friend:  I just graduated from *blank* school, and now I am working at *blank* office.  I am working towards all my dreams coming true.  I am fantastic (Okay, this may be exaggerated, but most of my friends are doing really well, and I am really glad for them).  What are you doing these days?

Me:  Well, I have a little boy who is almost two, and I am a full time mom and homemaker.  

**awkward moment**

Old Friend:  Oh.  That's cool.  Are you planning on working when he's in school?  / What made you want to do that when you went to school for so long?  / Another question about our childcare choices.

picture taken from soulsneverwrinkle

These conversations (that I actually love because my friends are genuinely amazing) have inspired this post in which I will talk about why I personally chose my child(ren)'s upbringing and education
as my life career.

I have always loved the idea of working* at home.  In the second grade I wanted to be a rancher where my work started as soon as my feet hit the ground.  I drew pictures of my ranch, the layout of my crops and animals, and even designed my own house where apparently everyone I have ever met was going to live.  Over the next ten years I developed other interests.  I loved trigonometry and physics.  I love biology and ROTC.    That is why it may be surprising that when my 12th grade English teacher had us write papers on what we wanted to be whenever we were finished with our schooling, I wanted to be a SAHM.  While I was trying to write my paper, I admitted, somewhat embarrassed, to my mom that what I wanted was to raise my kids.  My mom told me she understood but helped direct me to what my teacher actually wanted of me.

By the time I was 21, I was dating my husband.  Our dating was fun and lighthearted at times, but we also asked the tough questions and made real decisions in a very short amount of time (I guess that's pretty much the way of it when you become engaged after four months of dating...but I digress).  As we began on the topic of children, he stated very plainly that he wanted one of us to stay home with our children.  He said that he would prefer that I would stay home, but he understood that I might prefer that he stay home.**  And so it was decided that for the majority of our kids formative years, my vocation would be them.

At the time I made that decision, in my mind being a SAHM meant that as long as the kids' bums and faces were clean and everyone was fed, my job was done.  However, after having a child, I came to realize and appreciate that there is So. Much. More.  I have been able to set the tone for my child's life and let him grow at his own pace.  I get to give him individual attention.  I get to know his little personality outside of meal time and bath time.  It is amazing to me how knowing little nuances of his personality help me to adjust my mothering to him.

taken from bellybootcamp

I am also very excited about the prospect of home school.  I love the idea of catering the entire learning curriculum to my son and our family than sending him into a school where
a) the curriculum will be very general which means he either need extra attention or he will be bored.  Either way, that can be avoided if I get to teach him at home.
b) I cannot control who goes in or out.  Or who had guns.  Or who points one at my child(ren).
c)  I can lodge complaints but cannot stop or start what is being taught or not being taught to my son (Politics should not be taught in school, but it's crazy how hand in hand the two are).

On the other hand, I am able to pursue whatever else I want.  I don't have a nine-to-five that doesn't allow me a cellphone call or internet access.  Since becoming a SAHM, I have learned to garden, make lotions and soaps, and craft stuffed animals.  I have done sociology research, volunteer work, and been a Primary teacher for church.  If I had a job outside of my house, I really wonder when I would able to follow my open ended dreams of learning everything possible.

But how can I be feminist and stay at home with my kiddo?  That's easy.  Remember that feminism is not necessarily forcing everyone to do what men do but to have the opportunity.  Feminism is the fact that my husband wanted one us to stay home rather than dictating that it had to be me.  I feel the feminist view on SAHMs is to respect them more and honor that this job held primarily by women is not an easy or glamorous task.  It should be given the credit it deserves.  

Debunk the funk:  Synonyms of the Stay At Home Mom

Housewife:  This term irks me.  Maybe it's because of all the media surrounding housewives these days, but the term feels demeaning.  It gives me the impression of a pet one buys to take out at certain times to play with and then put back.  Eww, gross.  The same goes for trophy wife.  Just don't.
Breeder:  Umm...  this just makers me think of The Giver's birth mothers who were not held in high esteem.  It is both demeaning in that it gives low reverence to bringing forth new life and supposing that birthing is all that is done by a SAHM.  

Living a life of luxury:  Well, that's just inaccurate.  I spend my days sweaty while my son runs around the park, covered in food from three meals being thrown around the kitchen, and changing diapers.  Weirdly, kid poop does not seem all that luxurious to me.   

Homemaker: I can get on board with this.  Not so much in the physical sense of the word "home," but I create the feeling of home by meeting the physical needs and emotional needs of my child(ren).  

Domestic engineer:  This is what my job title is on any tax forms or legal paperwork I fill out.   The word itself means I construct the home life, so in essence, it's a fancy title for homemaker.  

* I do not equate the word "work" with the definition of being paid to a job.  "Work" is doing a job for an specific outcome.  Sometimes that outcome is monetary, most times it is not.

**Declarations like this make me love my husband about 1000 times even more than I already do.  

Our Perfect Parent

I think this is what Attachment Parenting is all about.  And also, I think it is right in line with the LDS train of thought.  In our faith, we believe that in the premortal life we all lived together as brothers and sisters.  We were all on equal footing when we dwelt with God.  We have been sent to Earth at different times, but we were all the same with God.  In this life, our job as parents is to be our children's teachers and protectors.  Our job is not to be our children's tyrant.  We are supposed to consider our children on loan from God, who has trusted us to teach our friends from before how to live in this life.  How much would your interaction change if you knew these were God's children and he was watching to see how you cared for his children?  How much does your correction vary when your friends mess up and when your children mess up?  Children may need more correction over shorter periods of time, but that's what we, as parents, have signed up for.

There are three main parenting styles commonly used in two parent households.  There are others in single parent homes, but that's more specific than this post goes.   I'd like to talk about:

1. Authoritarian-  This parenting style is the "Because I said so" champion.  These households are very demanding.  Often full obedience is enforced by forceful measures.  The focus is on control for the time being rather than preparing the child to become more and more autonomous as she enters society.  (You can't have the car on Saturday because I said so.)*
2. Authoritative-  This style is also very demanding, but there is a high amount of parental support as well.  While the parent has the final say, the child's thoughts, feelings, and opinions are involved in the decision making process.  This is a flexible home.  Harsh punishments are not a part of authoritative parenting.  (You can borrow the car after you've picked up your sister from soccer practice.)*
3. Nondirective (or permissive)-  These are the parents who are very loving but set no boundaries.  It is low in expectation.  These are the children who are running a muck in the supermarket or throwing food across the restaurant.  They are the ones that make onlookers put of their hats of judgment. (You can borrow the car whenever you like)*

This sounds very cut and dry, but it's not.  These parenting styles overlap, meaning that most households are somewhere on the continuum.  Let's step back over to God's parenting style for a moment.  He has given us the ability to choose for ourselves.  He does not force us to do anything. He has, however, given us rules to help us learn to make good choices for ourselves.  He is not a permissive Father;  your actions have consequences.  If you get drunk and get behind the wheel, God may forgive you, but you will still face the consequential accident or lives lost as a result.  It sounds to me like Heaven Father is an authoritative parent, which makes sense because it produces that most well-adjusted, successful children, sociologically speaking.

So.  What's my point?  Be nice to your kid.  Raise them in  a way that helps them make good decisions (note that good decisions are different from doing everything the way you do) as an autonomous adult.  Don't treat them like something you own.  Be a teacher, not a tyrant.  And if you don't like children, don't have them.

I think I am about to lose all of my LDS readers with that last sentence, but hear me out (Er...read me out?).  I respect the whole multiply and replenish the earth commandment, but there are exceptions.  Someone who is not mentally or emotionally competent should not have children.  Many people argue that if you can't afford them, you shouldn't have them.  Many argue that if you're not married, you shouldn't have them.  I propose that wanting children should be a prerequisite to multiplying and replenishing the Earth.  Children are not trophies to line your pew on Sunday morning.  They are little human beings who have as many feelings as you do.  I think when one raises children, she should realize that she is going to learn as much as she is going to teach and, in many cases, more.  However, the patience, understanding, empathy, and responsibility one is able to learn as a parent  doesn't just happen.  I know I surely have not been graced with an easy lesson of any of these qualities.  One has to strive for them.  A parent has to actively try to be patient, understanding, empathetic, and responsible.  It is a conscious choice.

So choose it.  No one is expecting perfection (Okay, maybe the people wearing hats of judgment, but who cares about them anyway?), but make the choice to try.  Perhaps we should try just as hard to make ourselves better parents everyday as we do to make our children better sons and daughters everyday.

And just as a fun fact, nondirective parenting is considered a better option by sociologists and parenting specialists than authoritarian.  

*Taken from Nijole V Benokraitis' Marriages and Families.  

Book Review of The Book of Mormon Girl

Yay!  I finished a book.  It seems I do that so infrequently lately, but yesterday during nap time I managed to finish Joanna Brooks' The Book of Mormon Girl.  I want to pick out a few specific points about the book that really touched me, but first, I'd like to write a little bit about how I first came across Joanna Brooks.
About two years ago, I finished my first Women and Gender Studies class.  I had just found out I was pregnant and knew that after my graduation, I would become a full time parent.  To keep my feminism alive and going, I decided to start this blog (Happy Birthday on the 17th).  I needed some extra information if I was going to take this on, however.  I mean, how many feminist Mormons could there be?  That's when Google led me to Ask Mormon Girl, Joanna Brooks' website where she answers questions like Dear Abby for Mormon progressives.  When I read her posts and responses to many questions I had myself, I felt so...  hopeful.  Maybe I could be a good church member and still be me.

Then I bought her book, The Book of Mormon Girl.  And it was amazing.  So much so that instead of writing a short review that discusses again and again how wonderful I thought it was, I am going to pull some quotes that I particularly enjoyed.  This does not summarize the book in any way because the post would go on for days.  These are simply my favorite take-aways.

"'You'll be fine,' Sister Bryson would say, sensing my fear that I had done it all wrong, read wrong, thought wrong, loved wrong, married wrong, lost my way.  'You'll be fine,' she would say, resting her hand on mine, 'because you are searching for truth, and truth is what matters.'"

Since converting, I have heard it from both sides of the fence why I am wrong.  Why I am in trouble.  On the non-Mormon front I am told I am letting this church dictate my life.  I am letting them tell me what I can and can't do, who I can and can't be.  On the Mormon side I am told I lack faith enough, love for my Savior enough.  I am told I lack knowledge and understanding.  There is often been little peace from either side.  As a convert, I felt, and sometimes still feel, that I do not have a spiritual home- religious, yes, but spiritual, no.  The loving words that Sister Bryson imparts, "You'll be fine...because you are searching for truth..." are the ultimate encouragement.  You're not a failed Saint.  

"It is not a doughnut.

It is not a rose.

It is not a plank of wood.

It is not a bus without brakes.

It is not a pearl on a golden chain, nor is it a millstone.

It is neither a fragile treasure nor a heavy burden.

It is nothing that can be damaged, lost, or given away.

It is not an it.  

You, your body, your self-you are not an object lesson.  

You are an ancient spirit in a young body.  You will make choices."

In the chapter leading up to this, Joanna Brooks recounts many of the object lessons taught to her as a youth.  My favorite was the one about the white rose.  She and her fellow Young Women passed around a white rose, smelling and touching it.  After everyone had a turn, the leader explained that everyone would prefer a new, fresh rose to the wilted one everyone had handled.  And thus it was also with your virginity.  I love that Joanna Brooks addresses the object lesson.  Life is so much more fluid and dimensional than a simple object lesson.  It is also a lot more personal.  From the gospel I was taught, you are never ruined with the atonement of Christ.  Rather, we learn from our mistakes and continue on trying to be better selves.    

"I hold my tongue, but I also hold my seat.  This is a church inhabited by people willing to give up their own children for being gay.  This is also the church of Millie Watts and the church of my grandmothers.  This is a church of tenderness and arrogance, of sparking differences and human failings.  There is no unmixing the two."

This gives me courage to stay seated in my classes when the point has gone awry.  I have heard from many people that a problem they see is that the lesson strays from Christ, and I agree.  When this happens- when we begin discussing wars and politics and superfluous thoughts that are not even tangential to Christ, I want to leave.  Not leave the room, leave the building.  In the first sentence, this quote reminds me not to be bullied (not by people and not by ideas).  Keep my seat. I belong here, too.  There is good and bad and we take it together.  

"I don't want to blame anyone.  I want to do what my ancestors did:  look west and dream up a new country for my children... I want a faith as welcoming as a Pioneer Day dinner table set with a thousand cream-of-chicken-soup casseroles and wedding-present Crock-Pots, a table with room enough for everyone:  male and female, black and white, gay and straight, perfect and imperfect, orthodox or unorthodox, Mormon, Jew, or gentile."

This final quote pulls out a Mormonism that I envision.  The wonderful things when Mormons come together with love and celebration (which is absolutely overflowing at celebrations).  The wonderful values seen in families.  The service when there are people in need.  Combine these with acceptance and room for everyone at the table.  Without judgment.  After all, isn't that what our Maker is for?  

This book gave me hope.  It made me feel like I still belong, unorthodox and all.  As far as a book review, I would recommend this to anyone who has grown up in the LDS church, anyone who has ever had a faith crisis, anyone who is grasping or clinging to a religion that felt like home. Five stars.

Priesthood Does Not Equate Motherhood (And other thoughts)

Something that I hear often is that Priesthood is the equivalent of Motherhood.  I think that a concept like that diminishes the role of father. A father should be just as active in the raising of children as the mother.  Just as interested. Just as involved.
I was reading an article over here at Empowering LDS Women and enjoyed this chart:

The blogger then goes on to equate a woman's ability to give physical birth to a man's ability to give spiritual birth via the saving ordinances of the Priesthood.  However, that doesn't add up for me either.  Giving birth doesn't require a worthiness check.  It doesn't require an entire youth program to advance through milestones of separate "job well done"s like receiving the Aaronic Priesthood and the Melchizedek Priesthood.  Giving birth doesn't even require being a mother.  Likewise, being a mother doesn't require giving birth.  An adoptive mother is as much a mother as any other (Say that five time fast!).  So.  That explanation is a dead end.  

I would say that the only thing the Priesthood can be equated to is Priestess-hood (my online dictionary doesn't even recognize that as a word *sigh*).   It has been said to me that Priesthood is the most important duty of a man and that motherhood is the most important duty of a woman, but I am not the only person who disagrees with this.  President Ezra Taft Benson said, "We bring children into the world to become kings and queens, priests and priestesses for our Lord."*  That would imply that we (women) come here first and foremost to become priestesses.  I can live with that.  I can even live with the fact that our (women's) status of Priestess is not going to be realized in this lifetime, even though I don't understand why.  

What does actually bother me is the endless explanations of why it doesn't speak poorly of me to not have the Priesthood, pretending it's equal to some other aspect of my womanly life.  I am not two-  I don't need a made up explanation.  What bothers me more is the perceived inequity from small children when being explained that girls and women will never receive the priesthood.  

And it's not just that, the female youth are not nearly as celebrated or empowered as the male youth.  The Young Men go to all sorts of Courts of Honor, Eagle Scout Awards, Priesthood progressions, etc.  The Young Women do Personal Progress, but even that receives much less recognition than an Eagle Scout award.  

At one ward I attended, the Young Women were not allowed to feed the homeless because it was in a bad part of town and dangerous whereas the Young Men went once a month.  This in no way teaches equitable empowerment.  Quite the contrary.  It teaches them they are not as capable.  Fear shouldn't win.

I really believe if we started boys and girls off with the same amount of support, if we celebrated both sexes (and genders, but that's another issue) equally, if we empowered Young Women and Young Men, the whole issue of woman not having the Priesthood in this lifetime would be a non-issue.  

*From the talk Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also

Letter to a Friend

A dear friend of mine sent me a concerned email today about my relationship in the church and as a feminist.  This blog is an outlet for steam so often, I forget to include my positive feelings.  After some careful consideration, I have decided to post my response.  I think it's important to understand that I do consider myself solidly in this church.  


Hey Lady! It's good to hear from you!

I haven't stopped believing at all- In fact, quite the opposite, I find myself right now to be incredibly active. I believe in this Church- If I didn't, I wouldn't attack it; I would simply remove myself from it and dust off my hands.

My discrepancies mostly revolve around Mormon Culture. Here's a secret (okay, not so secret): I'm pretty liberal. While I don't fancy myself a Democrat (because I don't believe in binary politics), I'm VERY liberal as far as other Mormons are concerned.
There really hasn't been a point in the last three years that I haven't been Temple worthy, which to me means that I uphold the doctrine fairly well. However, I refuse to stand by while people judge me. I drink caffeine, wear shirts that sometimes show a little cleavage, watch the occasional rated R movie, and believe homosexuals should be able to marry. While all of these things make True Blue Mormons uncomfortable, they are not against what Christ taught. And they don't disqualify me from being Temple worthy. Ergo, I am fully active and in good standing.

I do not attend the Temple currently because it does not bring me peace. I have had some inner scuffles with my practices, wording, and teachings of the Church. I am currently trying (very hard, mind you) to bring peace through Christ to my life by finding joy in my work, keeping my home as a sanctuary from the world, and being the best mom I can be. I think Heavenly Father knows I am trying to please him, and He'll know when I am ready to take on more. For now, I take the basics one day at a time.

I do absolutely point out publicly (because that's the nature of a blog) when I think something has gone awry due to gender. I do this because it helps me to sort through my feelings, but also because if no one speaks up, nothing changes. Case in point: One time I went to a bishop distraught because in Sacrament Meeting it was very common for the Elders Quorum President to be referred to as "President" and the Relief Society President to be referred to as "Sister." That bishop said. "You're right; that should change." He explained that he never considered that "Sister" was below "President." Voila, change. It's small, but it matters.

Do I think there is inequality in the church? You betcha. Do I think it is fundamental? No. I think it has been created by the surrounding culture.

I hope this hasn't been too preachy or long! I'm really glad you asked, actually.

Love,
Blythe

Testimony Sunday

A couple weeks ago I was having a really hard time.  Never mind the reason(s)- to be quite honest, I don't know that there was one.  I was merely taking the hardest route possible in my day to day life.  It was one of those weeks where somewhere at a low point I let myself think to what other women my age are doing at this point.  I know some think that 25-year-olds everywhere are either married with children or wish to be, but I grew up outside the Mormon Bubble. Women my age outside the Mormon bubble are generally not even thinking about marriage.  My thoughts went something like this:

I'm driving to the grocery store with my little one in tow.  Of course he's crying because he hates his car seat.  Hubby is at home sick-ish while working his way back into rotating shift work.  I hate sharing a car, but I'm trying really hard to be optimistic and not take advantage of the people who caused my accident.  If I were a normal 25 year old woman, I would be thinking about the friends I was meeting at the bar later tonight.  If I were a normal 25 year old woman, I would have a clean apartment either to myself or with a roommate.  I got on the phone to for some support.  I said that I felt like a cocktail or two would make everything so. much. easier.  And then the person on the other end of the line said, "Then why make life so hard?"  I have thought about it a lot, and here is why I am okay forgoing the cocktail that would make life seem so much easier:

First off, I truly believe that God has a plan for me.  I have seen the blessings of not drinking alcohol (anymore) in my life.  I never have to worry if I am on or off baby duty before a drink.  Fewer (because so much comes out of my mouth that shouldn't anyway...) obnoxious and inappropriate things come flying out of my mouth.  But most importantly, I have to work clear-headed through all of the hard stuff.  This has helped me learn patience (still working on this), good decision making (yeah, still working on this, too), and facing problems head on (okay, so all of these are works in progress....).  I accept that it's harder because I am learning more.  I feel that everyday I have learned so much more about how to become who I want to be than I did when I finished the day with that amaretto sour.  And I feel very grateful for the clarity.  

Modest is Hottest, and, If You're Not Modest, Get Ready For Wrath, You Hussie

When I began the process of becoming a Mormon, one of my first activities was to go through all of my clothing and evaluate it's appropriateness with questions like these:

1. Does is have sleeves?
2. Can any cleavage be seen?
3. Does it show my stomach at all?
4. If I lift my arms, will any skin show?
5. Does it fall below my knees?

I was really gungho about it at the time, convinced anything other than complete coverage was completely inappropriate.  After about three months of this, I tried on one of my old skirts that came three inches above my thigh-  I felt naked.  However, I did not feel naked because what I was wearing was an atrocity;  I felt naked because I had convinced and practiced myself into that mentality.  

I saw this on Facebook today, and I got fired up a bit.  Of course this calls for a dissection.

1. Please address me as something besides a girl.  I am not a prepubescent child.  Someone somewhere will rebut this saying this is addressed to young females.  I respond to that by saying that "Men" need not be giving attention to "girls."
2. This was posted by a Facebook group called "Mormons," so I can only conclude it is church members spreading this.  Dressing differently than dictated in the For Strength of Youth does not mean that a person is dirty, slutty, or anything else.  Certainly not that they have been rolling in manure.
3. The attention one receives when dressing without consulting LDS standards is pretty much the same.  Take it from someone who knows.  More on this later. 

The idea that one is either modest or immodest reinforces the Virgin/Whore Dichotomy in which one can be either the purest of pure or a whore.  This dichotomy is deprecating to women because it leaves out options of moderation and normalcy while instilling fear that once a line is crossed, there is no return.  Think Britney Spears.  Long, long ago, in a high school far away, Britney Spears started as the good girl next door.  Her resume included the Mickey Mouse Club and other Disney related fame.  However, the moment she took one step off the purity train there was nowhere to go except to get racier and racier because American pop culture only desires the Madonna figure or the stripper.  My point is this: Not wearing sleeves doesn't make you immodest.  

This is a picture of me (gasp!) the summer
after I turned 19. When I see this picture,
 I don't think modest or not, I simply
see a picture from a great week. 

One day while shopping with my MIL, she commented that I had probably dressed modestly before I converted.  "Nope!" was the only answer I provided.  The truth of the matter is, I did not wear sleeves.  Or cover my mid drift.  Or wear skirts down to my knees.  The men I attracted were pretty much the same:  a lot of guys that I had no interest in dating and a couple I was.  Ladies, I'm going to let you in on a little secret:  Straight men are attracted to women.  Here's another gem:  The type of man you attract is more about your actions than your outfit. 

I am against the idea that men can't control themselves or their thoughts when a woman dresses a certain way.  I'll tell you this, if that were the case, Mormons would never go swimming.  How is it that men can keep their hands off me in a bathing suit at the beach, but walking around the mall, a tank top is their self control evaporates?  Genuinely, I do not understand.  

Finally, I'd like put in a complaint about the general need people feel to police others.  The meme in the beginning is a prime example of (slut)shaming others into dressing the way another believes they should dress.  And this starts at the primary age**!  When children are taught that it is imperative to dress a certain way or they are bad, they learn to call others out on their dress.  Children need to be taught to police themselves based on their specific beliefs, and not to push that on others (whether within or without their religious establishment).  We teach children judgment.  In the words of Shawn Mullins (one of my favorites),

We're born to shimmer, we're born to shine, we're born to radiate.

  We born to live, we're born to love, we're born to never hate.  

And yet, it is practices like policing others where we begin to teach children to judge and hate.  Appropriateness is different depending on where where one is or the culture.  To think that one culture is the be all end all is incredibly arrogant.  

Now, before I get a thousand hate comments (feel free to leave them anyway, but read this paragraph first).  I think there is value in dressing appropriately for the situation.  I think there is value in teaching modest dress to children.  The problem I have is when we attach a person's worth to how they dress.    Rather than teach children that they are good when they cover up, perhaps we should teach them the principles that will help them learn respect for their bodies. 

And quit shoving your beliefs (whether LDS or not, whether high coverage or low coverage) on other people.

**To readers who belong to my home ward-  I am not talking specifically about our primary (I have the utmost respect for our Primary President).  My comments are based on an amalgamation of experiences in many wards, parental teachings, and group discussions.

The Difference Between God's Sons and Daughters

This was shown to me by my friend, Miri- check her out at her blog here. 

Before reading the rest of this post, compare the two for yourself.  What are your impressions?  

Let's examine the differences.

1. "Unlimited" vs "Amazing" potential:  "Amazing" is, well, amazing.  It's a great word and description- inspiring even.  However, it's not "unlimited."  This a great example of why it is hard to see inequalities sometimes.  Sexism is not an isolated incidence.   It is not this one thing this one time at this one place.  Sexism is a mentality, it's a force, it's an ideology.  It cannot, therefore, be viewed without the three-dimensional lens of comparison.  
2. "Amazing" vs  "Beautiful":  Argue if you will, but beautiful in my opinion is a much more passive word.  Upon looking "beautiful" up in the dictionary, the only definition I found that doesn't refer to appearances is this:  very pleasing or satisfying.  That definition insinuates that "beautiful" is determined by an external source, or in other words, someone outside of this girl has to decide that she is beautiful.  Descriptions like pleasing and satisfying cannot be attained without another person to which one can be pleasing and satisfying.  Being beautiful is passive and dependent.  Not that beautiful is a bad thing in and of itself, but when compared with "I am amazing," beautiful, it seems, is pretty flimsy.

What are your thoughts on the two?

Post Secret Mormons

There have been several people who have told me this post is not uplifting and inappropriate.  They report that they do not understand why I would post such things or what my goals are.  To them I say:

Postsecret is not a tiny project; it is huge. It has many followers, and the project itself has no agenda. I think one of the reasons I love the post secret project so much is because of uncensored ideas and feelings of a person without ordering a public flogging- it's more three-dimensional than that. I don't know that I had a goal per se in posting this blog, more of a chance to share secrets- particularly ones that could be uplifting from new people.

With that, enjoy it or don't, but I think general message here is that there is good and bad to everything.  Perspective is huge.

I Get Angry (Part 2)

A part of me even hates to breach this subject because I know that some readers will immediately think to themselves, Well, this is it-  I knew it would happen. There is no such thing as a socially liberal Mormon.  If that's you, feel free to quit reading now.  I don't need your judgment.  I am not attacking the church.  I am not criticizing anyone else.  What I am doing is opening up about what I am going through.  I write this not in anger, but in sincere effort to find truth.  Truth is supposed to feel good and right, correct?  I am struggling.  Woman, oh woman, am I struggling.

I am even more cautious about posting this because of the number of responses I received yesterday.  I  am worried things will change drastically in my life if I come right out and say what I am struggling and unhappy with because, from what I have seen, Mormons view people outside of the church very differently than those inside.  Which is not to say I'm leaving.  I am working through some stuff-  Stuff that needs to be addressed in my mind.  This does not make me rebellious or a bad Christian.  In my opinion, God wants us to question so that we can learn.  Think about science-  how do we ever learn anything?  We first generate a hypothesis and then work to disprove it.  That is how we learn.

There are quite a few things that I believe in strongly:

1. Blessings-  I cannot deny that I have firsthand seen the power of blessings.  
2. Focus on families and community- and I believe in forever families.  But I believed that before I joined this church.
3. Service-  I love service.  In fact, I get a service high.   
4. Visiting Teaching*- along with service, I believe in a network of community.  I believe in looking out for one another and being responsibly to one another.  It's a beautiful doctrine of Christ's ministry.  My Visiting Teachers are amazing-  They give me love, support, and help me grow.  
5. I do believe in the Garden of Gethsemane Atonement rather than just the Crucifixion.  
6. I love unpaid clergy and callings.  Generally speaking.  
7. The Word of Wisdom has definitely provided blessings for me in my life.  

I know there are more, but off the cuff, these are ones that I love.  However, there is some straight up LDS doctrine that I do not believe.  The general patriarchal organization makes me cringe.  I hate it, and if I am to be perfectly honest, I don't believe in it.  I understand this may be hard for some Mormons to understand how I can question the "divine nature of men and women," but I think if the tables were turned, it would be a whole other story.  A friend posted these questions (Would a rational man join a church that...) when trying to explain why some women feel awkward and misplaced within this church.  I assume that I am going to get this reaction: Well, you don't fully understand the Priesthood.  Okay.  Well, according to those I've listened to most people don't.  However, you know whether you agree with what you do know, right?  I know I disagree.
I have a problem with the general downplay and secrecy of a few church matters.  You know what I was not told about as an investigator?  Emma Smith's trials.  I was never told that Emma did not approve of or even know about Joseph's extra wives (Yeah, check your church history-  if anyone can show me otherwise, I would really appreciate seeing it).  Second Endowments-  what the heck is that?  Something that is so sacred no one should even know they exist?  Why would/ does God want us to jump through so many hoops to come back to him.  And while the Family Proclamation was gone over during my investigation, I have described on this blog before that I take issue with a few points in it.  Mainly that families are to be started by a man and a woman only and the assigned gender roles.  I have also read quite a few accounts of Church discipline councils to be incredibly disappointed.

So....  where to now?  How do I proceed?  Believe it or not, I have a strong desire to believe.  Truly, I do.  I want to believe and belong, but I can't pretend I do when I don't.  But I do love so much about this church.  And of course, Hubby is very believing.  My solution, for now, is not to fake it 'til I make it, but rather to confront my feelings.  I continue to talk with God- probably more now than I ever have in my whole life.  I am continuing to attend meetings, but I am completely comfortable walking out when a lesson goes into something for which I don't stand.  I believe in loving and doing right by people.  I am still very edified by most of the lessons, and it is few and far between that a General Conference talk leaves me feeling slighted.  I will hold on to those.  I will hold on to the good I see and feel until something changes.  I pray for guidance.  I pray that if there is a right way that it will be showed to me, so until then, here I am.

We have been encouraged time and time again to find out for ourselves- to know for ourselves that this church is the one true church.  I don't know that, and I truly don't believe that anyone can fault me for it.

*Visiting Teaching is monthly visiting about 3-5 five assigned women-  it provides network and support.

I Get Angry (Part 1)

"At some point during this semester, you'll get mad." 

~Idee Winfield, my Sociology of Gender professor

This is how Dr. Winfield began my Sociology of Gender class, describing some of the topics we would be covering.  Nah, I thought, I already got mad when I started into Women and Gender Studies.  My mad phase is past.  Wrong.  It's this continuous emotional, spiritual, ideological cycle, like a twelve step program- only anger and hurt seems to be the first step.  My cycle seems to go as such:  anger, hurt and sadness, activism, satisfaction, voyeurism, anger.  What I have to remind myself is that this cycle is in constant motion, so if I just wait, one feeling while phase into another.  This too shall pass.

Anger comes from the flawed organization of our American society-  this phase is usually spurred by something discriminatory brought to my attention.  

Next, I feel hurt and sad that anyone said discrimination doesn't affect pretends like it does not exist.  Issues are dismissed as nonexistent, and I am told time and time again that I am reading too much into something.  I am not.  You wouldn't feel that way if it happened to you. To me, that is the same as telling me I am an ornament in your life rather than someone you care about.  

My turmoil then turns into something productive:  activism.  A rush of adrenalin and happiness comes now because I think I am contributing to my cause.  I have something about which to feel great.  This leads me to feel very satisfied.

This leads to complacency.  I now get to look around and watch the world for a while because I have done my bit.  That is, until I see the injustices come shining through.  Then, I get angry. 

This works for me socially and emotionally.  The problem I face now is that I feel angry in a religious setting.  I feel religiously angry.  I have to evaluate whether this is a phase or something new I have encountered that needs to be dealt with more permanently.  

I think Jonathon Swift summed it up when he said, "We have enough religion to make us hate but not enough to make us love one another."

Because, honestly, I see individuals who love, and organizations that engender hate.

Part 2 will come tonight or tomorrow.  

Homosexuality at BYU (It Gets Better)

Thoughts?

Thou Shalt Not Wear Pants

The first time I wore pants to an LDS church was about three months ago.  It. Was. Fabulous.

For those unfamiliar with the culture standards within an LDS Sacrament Meeting, it is generally a dress shoe, dress (or skirt), hosiery kind of event for women;  a white shirt, tie, and dress shoes kind of event for men.  It is my belief that one reason for this huge push towards skirts for women, ties for men is to emphasize even further gender differences and segregation.  I find generally that when it comes to female and male, Mormons like very clear, bold, etched in stone lines that are not to be crossed.  I'm not entirely sure what the big deal is, but this seems to be the way of it.

The first time I wore pants to my home ward, which I have attended for two and half years now, I was greeted as an investigator.  This cracks me up just a little.  What is it about pants that says, "I am an investigator"?  Is it that I am obviously oblivious to the "right" way of dressing?

if you wear denim, good for you,
but do not criticize my pants.

We are advised to wear Sunday best.  Everyone's is different.  Many times, my dress pants are way more dressy than the skirts and dresses I see (I'm not judging, merely setting up the comparison.  I think you should worship in whatever works for you).  If you wear denim to church, you forgo your right to criticize my dress pants.  Sorry.  Hubby gave me the advice to look up General Conference talks on skirts on LDS.org last night.  Here are the results:  13 talks total include the word "skirt."  Four discuss the length of skirts.  Another four use the word "skirt" in a context besides an article of clothing.  The last five describe what someone in a story is wearing.  You know what "skirt" was not used for?  To describe what you should or shouldn't wear to the church or the Temple.   Although I did find a message from the First Presidency (The Prophet and his counselors) that reported that they intentionally did not dictate what Sunday Best is.  So...quit being a hater.

I think this is a case of Crime as Normal.  What is Crime as Normal?  Gather round, children;  it's Sociology time!  The concept of Crime as Normal was created by Emile Durkheim.  Oversimplified it means that crime is crime because it is different/ offensive to the society.  The example that was used to first explain this to me was this:  If there was a Utopian society in which everyone was the same and no one ever had a cold- no one ever coughed or sneezed- and one person sneezed regularly, that behavior would start off as strange, move towards inappropriate, inch towards offensive, and finally graduate to crime.  So dear ones, my point is this:  My wearing pants is not a bad thing unless it is simply because it makes others uncomfortable.

Another reaction I get quite often is discomfort or hostility.  Many people chitter-chatter to others about the pants and their inappropriate appearance at church. About this I have several thoughts:

1. Way to discuss how I am not being a very good Latter-day Saint via GOSSIP.  That's pretty bold.  Good job.  As a side note, know that in most life scenarios, and in an LDS ward in particular, nothing you say will remain private, and inevitably, what you say will get back to the person who is the subject of your conversation.  
2. I'm curious as to what makes me unapproachable to ask about the pants.  Is it me personally?  Or the actual pants?  Very few (as in one) people have outright asked about my reasons for wearing pants.  

doesn't she look nice?

So let's get it out in the open; Why do I wear pants?

1. I have a young son who constant wiggles and pulls on my clothing- would you rather see my underwear or my pants?
2. I have a young son who needs chasing after at a moments notice- there is no time to make sure everything is in a modest place.  
3. I prefer to sit cross legged (Indian style).  Pants provide that ability.
4. Skirts are so complicated.  If the material pulls, I have to wear a slip.  Not just any old slip, but a slip that won't slide down to be below the hem of my skirt or ride up to just below my breasts.  UGH.  This usually results in several trips to the bathroom to adjust and readjust all of my clothing.
5. I don't have to shave my legs to wear pants in order to not get grossed out looks.  Deal.
6. Pants are warmer.  I was in Ohio in January, and holy moley, I don't know why anyone there would even keep a skirt in their closet in the winter time.  

My thoughts are that we pants wearers need to band together because there is strength in numbers.  Check out Miri's blog about pants to church here.  Also, if you think you'd be more comfortable in pants, do it!  It is not a sin.  If you feel the need to dress it up further than just dress pants, sport some high heels or pearls or fancy accessories.  Break out of the box of social inertia.