Our Perfect Parent

I think this is what Attachment Parenting is all about.  And also, I think it is right in line with the LDS train of thought.  In our faith, we believe that in the premortal life we all lived together as brothers and sisters.  We were all on equal footing when we dwelt with God.  We have been sent to Earth at different times, but we were all the same with God.  In this life, our job as parents is to be our children's teachers and protectors.  Our job is not to be our children's tyrant.  We are supposed to consider our children on loan from God, who has trusted us to teach our friends from before how to live in this life.  How much would your interaction change if you knew these were God's children and he was watching to see how you cared for his children?  How much does your correction vary when your friends mess up and when your children mess up?  Children may need more correction over shorter periods of time, but that's what we, as parents, have signed up for.

There are three main parenting styles commonly used in two parent households.  There are others in single parent homes, but that's more specific than this post goes.   I'd like to talk about:

1. Authoritarian-  This parenting style is the "Because I said so" champion.  These households are very demanding.  Often full obedience is enforced by forceful measures.  The focus is on control for the time being rather than preparing the child to become more and more autonomous as she enters society.  (You can't have the car on Saturday because I said so.)*
2. Authoritative-  This style is also very demanding, but there is a high amount of parental support as well.  While the parent has the final say, the child's thoughts, feelings, and opinions are involved in the decision making process.  This is a flexible home.  Harsh punishments are not a part of authoritative parenting.  (You can borrow the car after you've picked up your sister from soccer practice.)*
3. Nondirective (or permissive)-  These are the parents who are very loving but set no boundaries.  It is low in expectation.  These are the children who are running a muck in the supermarket or throwing food across the restaurant.  They are the ones that make onlookers put of their hats of judgment. (You can borrow the car whenever you like)*

This sounds very cut and dry, but it's not.  These parenting styles overlap, meaning that most households are somewhere on the continuum.  Let's step back over to God's parenting style for a moment.  He has given us the ability to choose for ourselves.  He does not force us to do anything. He has, however, given us rules to help us learn to make good choices for ourselves.  He is not a permissive Father;  your actions have consequences.  If you get drunk and get behind the wheel, God may forgive you, but you will still face the consequential accident or lives lost as a result.  It sounds to me like Heaven Father is an authoritative parent, which makes sense because it produces that most well-adjusted, successful children, sociologically speaking.

So.  What's my point?  Be nice to your kid.  Raise them in  a way that helps them make good decisions (note that good decisions are different from doing everything the way you do) as an autonomous adult.  Don't treat them like something you own.  Be a teacher, not a tyrant.  And if you don't like children, don't have them.

I think I am about to lose all of my LDS readers with that last sentence, but hear me out (Er...read me out?).  I respect the whole multiply and replenish the earth commandment, but there are exceptions.  Someone who is not mentally or emotionally competent should not have children.  Many people argue that if you can't afford them, you shouldn't have them.  Many argue that if you're not married, you shouldn't have them.  I propose that wanting children should be a prerequisite to multiplying and replenishing the Earth.  Children are not trophies to line your pew on Sunday morning.  They are little human beings who have as many feelings as you do.  I think when one raises children, she should realize that she is going to learn as much as she is going to teach and, in many cases, more.  However, the patience, understanding, empathy, and responsibility one is able to learn as a parent  doesn't just happen.  I know I surely have not been graced with an easy lesson of any of these qualities.  One has to strive for them.  A parent has to actively try to be patient, understanding, empathetic, and responsible.  It is a conscious choice.

So choose it.  No one is expecting perfection (Okay, maybe the people wearing hats of judgment, but who cares about them anyway?), but make the choice to try.  Perhaps we should try just as hard to make ourselves better parents everyday as we do to make our children better sons and daughters everyday.

And just as a fun fact, nondirective parenting is considered a better option by sociologists and parenting specialists than authoritarian.  

*Taken from Nijole V Benokraitis' Marriages and Families.