No witty introduction- I am going straight to the heart of this post immediately. My name is not Mrs. "Husband's name" McCuistion, so cut that garbage out.
I understand that at one time being a woman meant that I was to be given to my husband upon our marriage, but, folks, it's a new day and age. I haven't been given to anyone because this life is still my own.
I struggled with the decision to change my last name when I got married. In fact, I kept my maiden name for a couple of weeks after my marriage, until I cracked under pressure to change it. At church, no one would call me "Sister Wooten," even when I specifically corrected them. I corrected one member of the bishopric three times, told him that I hadn't changed my name, but, alas, was stilled called "Sister McCuistion." I buckled. It didn't seem like that big of a deal. Sure, I was giving up the name I had grown up with and identified with for the past twenty-two years, but that didn't mean a loss of identity, right?
And then, it came.
That's right, the first piece of mail that was formally addressed to me: "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion"
What. The. Heck.
As explained to me by many when I expressed my dissatisfaction, I had no right to feel this way. Addressing me as "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion" is proper etiquette. It's polite. It's simple manners.
Well. I am still a human being with my own identity, and therefore my own name.
Secondly, I prefer Ms. over Mrs. and here's why: Men don't have a special prefix indicating whether they are married or not because it doesn't matter. However, the world views very differently the married woman and the single. I do not care to be known by name as being married because if it is pertinent enough to the situation, my marital status will can be disclosed upon request.
I am not throwing stones at individuals who have addressed me as "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion." That would be silly since I can only assume that specific people are not doing it as a purposeful insult. No, I do assume that each individual is doing only what feels right to her or him. However, the practice as a society really irks me.
However, companies and people with whom I have professional dealings best recognize.
Today I came home, and, excitingly, found two different new adoption packets in the mail (I think it's public knowledge now that we are looking to adopt our next- if it wasn't before, it is now). I looked at each, and then... There is was: Mr. and Mrs. Hubby McCuistion.
Worth mentioning is that each of the packets I have applied for I have filled out MY information and only included my husband's name because the applications asked for the name of spouse.
Again,
What. The. Heck????
It is really unfortunate, but I sincerely wish more with every passing week that I had kept my maiden name.** Hubby's opinion is that having one name unites us as a family. I am not so sure. I think what unites us is our commitment and our binding marriage contract (Oh, right, we're LDS, so and covenant). I think names are merely a formality, particularly in adopted families. When we adopt a child, I don't intend on changing the child's last name if they already have one (we are planning on adopting a toddler) because it's a part of who they are.
Becoming a family doesn't mean changing who you are, it mean's shaping who you will become with one another.
*I refer to my husband's first name as "Hubby" because while I don't mind disclosing who I am, perhaps he would prefer not to offer up that information.
**I am not suggesting that this is something for everyone as long as no one is saying changing one's name is something for everyone either.
I understand that at one time being a woman meant that I was to be given to my husband upon our marriage, but, folks, it's a new day and age. I haven't been given to anyone because this life is still my own.
I struggled with the decision to change my last name when I got married. In fact, I kept my maiden name for a couple of weeks after my marriage, until I cracked under pressure to change it. At church, no one would call me "Sister Wooten," even when I specifically corrected them. I corrected one member of the bishopric three times, told him that I hadn't changed my name, but, alas, was stilled called "Sister McCuistion." I buckled. It didn't seem like that big of a deal. Sure, I was giving up the name I had grown up with and identified with for the past twenty-two years, but that didn't mean a loss of identity, right?
And then, it came.
That's right, the first piece of mail that was formally addressed to me: "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion"
What. The. Heck.
As explained to me by many when I expressed my dissatisfaction, I had no right to feel this way. Addressing me as "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion" is proper etiquette. It's polite. It's simple manners.
Well. I am still a human being with my own identity, and therefore my own name.
Secondly, I prefer Ms. over Mrs. and here's why: Men don't have a special prefix indicating whether they are married or not because it doesn't matter. However, the world views very differently the married woman and the single. I do not care to be known by name as being married because if it is pertinent enough to the situation, my marital status will can be disclosed upon request.
I am not throwing stones at individuals who have addressed me as "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion." That would be silly since I can only assume that specific people are not doing it as a purposeful insult. No, I do assume that each individual is doing only what feels right to her or him. However, the practice as a society really irks me.
However, companies and people with whom I have professional dealings best recognize.
Today I came home, and, excitingly, found two different new adoption packets in the mail (I think it's public knowledge now that we are looking to adopt our next- if it wasn't before, it is now). I looked at each, and then... There is was: Mr. and Mrs. Hubby McCuistion.
Worth mentioning is that each of the packets I have applied for I have filled out MY information and only included my husband's name because the applications asked for the name of spouse.
Again,
What. The. Heck????
It is really unfortunate, but I sincerely wish more with every passing week that I had kept my maiden name.** Hubby's opinion is that having one name unites us as a family. I am not so sure. I think what unites us is our commitment and our binding marriage contract (Oh, right, we're LDS, so and covenant). I think names are merely a formality, particularly in adopted families. When we adopt a child, I don't intend on changing the child's last name if they already have one (we are planning on adopting a toddler) because it's a part of who they are.
Becoming a family doesn't mean changing who you are, it mean's shaping who you will become with one another.
*I refer to my husband's first name as "Hubby" because while I don't mind disclosing who I am, perhaps he would prefer not to offer up that information.
**I am not suggesting that this is something for everyone as long as no one is saying changing one's name is something for everyone either.
13 comments:
I love this post. I sincerely think this is a huge issue for many women. I, for one, have been so decidedly against changing my name for a rather long time. It's for one horribly simplistic reason... I have always dreamed of being doctor and never once dreamed of being a doctor known by any other name. I feel like being able to put Dr. in front of my name would feel hollow if it isn't MY name behind it.
I feel like now that I am older and in the process of accomplishing my goals I have come up with many different reasons for not changing my last name. The paperwork that you have to go through to change every certification you got in your maiden name would scare even the strong-hearted. I have many female doctors in my family who haven't changed their last name for just that reason. That being said they struggle with the idea of being Mrs... husband's last name. But oddly never once struggle with being Dr. Maiden name.
I don't know if this is a direct reflection of the profession being male-dominated or not but it seems that these two things are at such a stand-off. I know women trying to plan weddings before graduation just to avoid the paperwork mess.
I just think that if my relationship with my husband is solely dependent upon how we are addressed in public- we have bigger problems. Also, if it's that big of a deal for us to have the same last name to reflect the unity of our marriage... why can't he get his name changed? In a day where jobs are now open to both genders, why is the job of uniting a family via a name changing process solely upon a woman?
You're so right. The hours I have spent going between the social security office, DMV, college, doctors office, not to mention my passport which was a complete pain (we're talking a combined amount of about 10 hours and a tank of gas driving all over kingdom come) is unreal. Just so I could have my husband's last name?
i like this article about it! http://www.couplescompany.com/Features/ChangeName.htm
basically it comes down to tradition and you have every right to not change it if you don't want to now which is great.
I have very traditional views and I love that I got to take my husbands name. Especially since I don't like my maiden name. But mostly I like that our whole family can be united and know by one name. I am totally ok with it being his.
Shannon,
That's pretty much how J feels about it. He says if I hadn't changed my name, he would have changed his name.
Oh, man, I know a woman at church who didn't change her name, and it is a constant battle with a few people who want to hyphenate it and whatnot. Also, her son has her husband's last name, but people still want to hyphenate and all.
I considered keeping my name. However, I did realize that we would be "The Raineses," or "Mr. and Mrs. Raines" as a couple.
I don't mind mail addressed to both of us as Mr. and Mrs. Husband's name. Was the mail addressed to only you?
In the end, I really like my new last name.
I have my own views on this topic, I felt that taking my husbands last name was a privilage and almost a milestone in life. That being said, my comment is to focus on changing the last name of the child. My sister has two children, the first with a man before marriage (has his father's last name) and the second with her husband (has her husbands last name). My nephew came to my sister before my niece was born and cried because he "realized" he wasn't a part of the family because he wouldn't have the same last name. With that, a child is generally not mature enough to differeniate between being a solid family with the same last name and being a group of individuals that are a family. Coming from my husband's perspective, he is adopted along with all of his siblings, he was 7 when he was adopted and his youngest brother was 5, they were given the option of changing their names and they were more than eager to be "a part of the family" by changing their name.
I am not trying to influence you to change the child's last name I am just hoping to shed perspective on the topic.
Sarah,
I'm working on the last name feeling okay, but the Mrs. first name and last name of my husband REALLY grinds me. I am more than just a wife. Some of the mail has been to both of us, but a lot of it has been to just me. It's so strange.
Stephanie,
I like that the children were given the option. That's along the same lines as I like. I just think that it is their decision, not mine.
But really, the thing that gets me is the Mrs. Husband's full name.
My wife kept her maiden name, and I couldn't have been more pleased. I'd always secretly hoped I'd marry a kickass feminist girl, but thought my chances would be slim in the Mormon church.
Turns out, that wasn't the case at all. Thank goodness.
We don't have children yet, but we plan on giving them two last names - not hyphenated, not using just one. Two names. Plenty of cultures on this planet do it that way - if I have to make some people's perspective be a little broader to accept my child's name, I can deal with that.
Stephanie reminded me:
Also, as a child, my mom went back to her maiden name when my parents divorced. However, when my mom wanted to change mine and my sister's last name to hers, I was completely opposed. I was closer to my mom than my dad, but it was my name!
Having a different last name than my mom and sisters (Husband has a different last name than his mom and brother) doesn't make us less of a family. Nor should it make a couple less of a couple.
I honestly just took Clif's name because every woman in my family has done that when she got married. yes the paperwork was a pain in the butt and it still causes me a headache, but all in all i haven't thought much about it since the paperwork was over with. I know in the bible it talks about how a man will leave his family and build a room onto the woman's home once they are married. So i guess it would make more sense for the man to take the woman's name? Honestly part of the reason I left my maiden name was because it was a very Hot Topic name in my small town. Being part of a multiple generational law firm does that to a name. I would get recognized for my last name all the time, and i still do. However for me with my last name, it was the way i chose to show my total support for my husband. I couldn't really imagine him accomplishing something big and then being introduced as the wife who doesn't want to share his name. I have no issue with people who decide not to share the last night, I am simply saying why i chose to.
Braeden, I love the option of using both names for the children. That is something to consider for our adoptions.
Sarah, my thoughts exactly.
Kelsey, I don't think of it as not wanting to share his name, it's more of not wanting to give up mine. Haha, maybe go to Father of the Bride when she talks about taking both names and scrambling the letters to create a new last name for both individuals to take.
I tried commenting on here days ago from my phone, but I guess it didn't get through. I've never gotten a Mrs. Hubby McCuistion piece of mail before. I barely see Mrs. on my mail. Is it maybe a regional thing? Also, feel free to ask me questions about adoption, because my step-dad adopted me (I changed my last name to his, because he became my dad and is the father that I am sealed to) and both of my siblings are adopted through the county, each with different birth parents. We have no blood ties, but love having the same last name, as it does help us feel more of a family, and we are sealed to them so Mom and Dad are their parents for forever, and they are their kids for forever. I personally feel that having the same last name is important, because it includes the children into your loving home rather than potentially them getting the perception that 'they aren't your real kid' (admittedly, I don't think that would happen so much in a family that really focused on unity in other ways, but it is a way that they could feel singled out)
Anyway, I know that in some Asian countries, the women don't change their last names when they get married and that's totally normal in society. I think the kids get their father's last name.
I know a sister in a ward I used to live in that got remarried in her older years and didn't change her last name, but let everyone at church call her Sister "Hubby's last name" and she seemed fine with that.
Ok, I hate posting comments on here, because I always end up losing them somehow and retyping them a million times. This is time number 4 now for this same topic.
I have never gotten a piece of mail that said Mrs. Hubby McCuistion. I hardly ever even get Mrs. on my mail. Maybe it's a regional thing? It also didn't seem that hard to change my last name, but maybe because I was excited to do it. I like having Kevin's last name.
When I got adopted by my step-father, I was very happy to take his last name, because he became my father, and he's the father that I'm sealed to. I was very glad that he wanted me to be his kid, and sharing a last name helped with that. We also never had any "you're not my real dad" fights, but we didn't really have many fights either. My brother and sister are both adopted through the state, know that they are, but like having the same last name as Mom and Dad and I think it does help us be closer as a family rather than us all being Roe, Torres, and well, my brother never got a last name from his birth mother.
My friend's mom got remarried when she was older, and she didn't change her name, but she lets people at church call her Sister "husband's last name" and seems to be fine with it.
Another one of my older friends got remarried, and she legally changed her middle name to her previous husband's last name (she's sealed to him and he died a few years ago). I kind of like just adding another last name on without hyphenating, like Kerri Lynn Summy McCuistion. I'm not sure how that would work on paperwork, but that way you could go by either one.
As for adopted kids, when Kevin and I were thinking about adopting (most likely from China), I thought we'd do a native? (not sure what term to use there) first name and middle name and then our last name, like JiaLing McCuistion (I cheated and just used part of my Chinese name for example), which does sound a little awkward, admittedly, but shows that they're part of our family, and also gives them some ties to their biological heritage.
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