Resisting the shame game

Let's talk about folkways and mores.  First off, I'm going to consult my handy dandy basic sociology text book (I like Michael Kimmel and Amy Aronson's Sociology Now, but that's probably because I love Michael Kimmel).

Folkways: relatively weak and informal norms that are the result of patterns of action, such as "manners"- infractions are noticed but seldom punished.

That's a more.... Yeah... couldn't resist

Mores: (mawr-eyz) informally enforced norms based on strong moral values, which are viewed as essential to the proper functioning of a group- but no law is enforcing them.  An example of this is a showing up to a job interview in pajamas and wet hair.  There's no law against it, but you're probably not going to get the job.

I think it is important to make these distinctions because one of my favorite anti-feminist arguments is "Show me where the law creates inequality."  While I believe that if I had a law degree I would be able to do just that, I do not, so I'll let that rest.  For now.  However, folkways and, even more importantly, mores are incredibly sexist.  

But that's not what I came here to talk to you about.  

I came to talk about how many mores are enforced in American culture with shame, and quite frankly, I've said it before and here I go again:

We need to cut that garbage out.  

boat dwellers

If it's one thing sociology has taught me it's that people go about their daily lives in very different manners.  There is usually not a better or worse, merely a difference in what makes people happy.  For example, how often do you think these boat dwelling people get asked when they want to settle down and get a home or how they won't be able to continue this life when they have children?  It's a shame mechanism.  They could just as easily turn the shame around and say, "Doesn't it bother you to be in so much debt with a mortgage, car payments, bills, and commitments that are so restraining?"  Shame goes 'round and 'round, and we need to cut that garbage out.  

Shaming other people is an act of trying to normalize or elevate another way of life (usually the shamer's preferred life).  The way I see it, no one else's happiness or choice of life style affects mine unless I allow it to, so why would I would shame anyone else?  Understanding this has been key to my letting go of what others want my life to be.

I see this a lot in child rearing, and in particular, breastfeeding.  It seems everyone has a very staunch position on breastfeeding one way or the other.  Parenting (and life) is about choices and making choices that work for you and your family.  What works for my family is breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and flexibility.  I stand by that, and I won't be shamed or corralled into schedules or early weening.  On the other hand, pro-breastfeed-ers need to understand that is not the best choice for many people.  I also believe that natural birth is the best choice for my family if it is an option.  Other women believe that planned Cesareans are the best for their family.  Word.  You do what you need to do.  That is your choice.  

One facet of feminism that I really like is the openness to knowledge.  I believe that everyone should have the opportunity to gain every piece of knowledge about their bodies and life and family so that they can make informed decisions for their life, including but not limited to birth options (birthing centers, hospitals, and homebirths) and breastfeeding (breastfeeding exclusively for as long as is beneficial, breastfeeding and formula, formula only).  Gather all the knowledge, and then be comfortable in your decision. Don't shame anyone else decision, and don't let anyone else shame yours!