A part of me even hates to breach this subject because I know that some readers will immediately think to themselves, Well, this is it- I knew it would happen. There is no such thing as a socially liberal Mormon. If that's you, feel free to quit reading now. I don't need your judgment. I am not attacking the church. I am not criticizing anyone else. What I am doing is opening up about what I am going through. I write this not in anger, but in sincere effort to find truth. Truth is supposed to feel good and right, correct? I am struggling. Woman, oh woman, am I struggling.
I am even more cautious about posting this because of the number of responses I received yesterday. I am worried things will change drastically in my life if I come right out and say what I am struggling and unhappy with because, from what I have seen, Mormons view people outside of the church very differently than those inside. Which is not to say I'm leaving. I am working through some stuff- Stuff that needs to be addressed in my mind. This does not make me rebellious or a bad Christian. In my opinion, God wants us to question so that we can learn. Think about science- how do we ever learn anything? We first generate a hypothesis and then work to disprove it. That is how we learn.
There are quite a few things that I believe in strongly:
I am even more cautious about posting this because of the number of responses I received yesterday. I am worried things will change drastically in my life if I come right out and say what I am struggling and unhappy with because, from what I have seen, Mormons view people outside of the church very differently than those inside. Which is not to say I'm leaving. I am working through some stuff- Stuff that needs to be addressed in my mind. This does not make me rebellious or a bad Christian. In my opinion, God wants us to question so that we can learn. Think about science- how do we ever learn anything? We first generate a hypothesis and then work to disprove it. That is how we learn.
There are quite a few things that I believe in strongly:
- Blessings- I cannot deny that I have firsthand seen the power of blessings.
- Focus on families and community- and I believe in forever families. But I believed that before I joined this church.
- Service- I love service. In fact, I get a service high.
- Visiting Teaching*- along with service, I believe in a network of community. I believe in looking out for one another and being responsibly to one another. It's a beautiful doctrine of Christ's ministry. My Visiting Teachers are amazing- They give me love, support, and help me grow.
- I do believe in the Garden of Gethsemane Atonement rather than just the Crucifixion.
- I love unpaid clergy and callings. Generally speaking.
- The Word of Wisdom has definitely provided blessings for me in my life.
I know there are more, but off the cuff, these are ones that I love. However, there is some straight up LDS doctrine that I do not believe. The general patriarchal organization makes me cringe. I hate it, and if I am to be perfectly honest, I don't believe in it. I understand this may be hard for some Mormons to understand how I can question the "divine nature of men and women," but I think if the tables were turned, it would be a whole other story. A friend posted these questions (Would a rational man join a church that...) when trying to explain why some women feel awkward and misplaced within this church. I assume that I am going to get this reaction: Well, you don't fully understand the Priesthood. Okay. Well, according to those I've listened to most people don't. However, you know whether you agree with what you do know, right? I know I disagree.
I have a problem with the general downplay and secrecy of a few church matters. You know what I was not told about as an investigator? Emma Smith's trials. I was never told that Emma did not approve of or even know about Joseph's extra wives (Yeah, check your church history- if anyone can show me otherwise, I would really appreciate seeing it). Second Endowments- what the heck is that? Something that is so sacred no one should even know they exist? Why would/ does God want us to jump through so many hoops to come back to him. And while the Family Proclamation was gone over during my investigation, I have described on this blog before that I take issue with a few points in it. Mainly that families are to be started by a man and a woman only and the assigned gender roles. I have also read quite a few accounts of Church discipline councils to be incredibly disappointed.
So.... where to now? How do I proceed? Believe it or not, I have a strong desire to believe. Truly, I do. I want to believe and belong, but I can't pretend I do when I don't. But I do love so much about this church. And of course, Hubby is very believing. My solution, for now, is not to fake it 'til I make it, but rather to confront my feelings. I continue to talk with God- probably more now than I ever have in my whole life. I am continuing to attend meetings, but I am completely comfortable walking out when a lesson goes into something for which I don't stand. I believe in loving and doing right by people. I am still very edified by most of the lessons, and it is few and far between that a General Conference talk leaves me feeling slighted. I will hold on to those. I will hold on to the good I see and feel until something changes. I pray for guidance. I pray that if there is a right way that it will be showed to me, so until then, here I am.
We have been encouraged time and time again to find out for ourselves- to know for ourselves that this church is the one true church. I don't know that, and I truly don't believe that anyone can fault me for it.
*Visiting Teaching is monthly visiting about 3-5 five assigned women- it provides network and support.
I have a problem with the general downplay and secrecy of a few church matters. You know what I was not told about as an investigator? Emma Smith's trials. I was never told that Emma did not approve of or even know about Joseph's extra wives (Yeah, check your church history- if anyone can show me otherwise, I would really appreciate seeing it). Second Endowments- what the heck is that? Something that is so sacred no one should even know they exist? Why would/ does God want us to jump through so many hoops to come back to him. And while the Family Proclamation was gone over during my investigation, I have described on this blog before that I take issue with a few points in it. Mainly that families are to be started by a man and a woman only and the assigned gender roles. I have also read quite a few accounts of Church discipline councils to be incredibly disappointed.
So.... where to now? How do I proceed? Believe it or not, I have a strong desire to believe. Truly, I do. I want to believe and belong, but I can't pretend I do when I don't. But I do love so much about this church. And of course, Hubby is very believing. My solution, for now, is not to fake it 'til I make it, but rather to confront my feelings. I continue to talk with God- probably more now than I ever have in my whole life. I am continuing to attend meetings, but I am completely comfortable walking out when a lesson goes into something for which I don't stand. I believe in loving and doing right by people. I am still very edified by most of the lessons, and it is few and far between that a General Conference talk leaves me feeling slighted. I will hold on to those. I will hold on to the good I see and feel until something changes. I pray for guidance. I pray that if there is a right way that it will be showed to me, so until then, here I am.
We have been encouraged time and time again to find out for ourselves- to know for ourselves that this church is the one true church. I don't know that, and I truly don't believe that anyone can fault me for it.
*Visiting Teaching is monthly visiting about 3-5 five assigned women- it provides network and support.
11 comments:
We are strangers, and yet I relate to your feelings because I have been in your shoes before. Allowing yourself to open up and recognize the dissonance between rational and logical thought, and the church as a whole is a brave thing to do, and it is also a scary thing to do.
Like you, my questions started simply and straightfowardly. Most of my LDS friends were sympathetic, supportive, and faith affirming. As you go through these trials of thought and intellect, and express your feelings, it will become clear who loves you and who doesn't. It will become clear who has unquestioning faith, and who uses their rational mind to figure things out.
Some answers you receive to your questions will be satisfactory, but most won't. You will find a big hole of unanswered and penetrating questions grows bigger and bigger until you are swallowed up in the realization that the church and its people do not change, even though you do.
I would strongly suggest you reach out to those around you that have been through their faith transitions already. You will find great comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
All my best wishes to you! Keep thinking. Don't give up. The answers are there but you may have to search outside your comfort zone to find them.
I am so glad that you are looking into the things that trouble you. I, for one, have stepped away from organized religion because I have found many of its social structures and judgments to be more patronizing than embracing. Wherever you end up, I hope that you continue to let your heart and your thoughts guide you -- not social pressures that you fear. Good luck on your journey of learning!
You are amazing and I loved reading this spiritual blog entry. Your goodness and kindness and desire to know and understand is inspiring. Being complacent is something we are all warned about, it's good to see you are grappling with your non-complacency with such grace. It's all good, friend.
It's my belief that everyone who considers themselves "spiritual" has occasional struggles with their faith. Those struggles should draw us closer to God who created us. When you examine points of your faith, it allows you to reinforce the foundation and seek answers from trusted sources. "If you seek, you will find." I'll be praying for you! Donna B.
I just want to say that people do change, and historically, aspects of church doctrine have changed as well. Probably not as quickly as many would hope, but it does happen. I go to BYU right now, and you know what happened when the "It Gets Better - BYU Edition" video came out? It was ALL OVER my fellow BYU friends' walls with messages affirming the importance of love, conversation, and empathy. That is huge. That is change.
I'm in this thing for the long haul, but I came to that conclusion after stumbling through what it sounds like you're doing (and probably with not half your grace): listing what I know, what I want to believe, and what no longer makes sense to me. When I did that, it was easier to find reasons to stay while also finally feeling okay with disagreeing about some things.
I don't know if any of this is making sense or is comforting, but your words are a comfort to me, a thoughtfully committed-but-questioning Mormon feminist from an extremely wonderful, loving TBM family. I wish we could be in the same ward.
I hate the "well you don't understand" bit! I am a very intelligent person, so if I am missing something it's because it doesn't exist. Hugs from the cyber world. Know that you are not alone in your faith journey.
There are a lot of things that we, in the church just don't really know about or have answers for. Sometimes we think we have answers, only to find out later how wrong we were.
I think we have to be easy with ourselves, because life can be rough, and figuring things out can be challenging. We also need to be easy with other people, because people, with good intentions, can do some pretty terrible things sometimes.
Hang in there, two things that I've come through my faith crisis with are: 1- we don't know everything, but we know our Heavenly Parents love us, and 2- don't let the stuff you don't know mess up the stuff you do know.
I'm with you all the way. And, like you said in Part 1, my anger ebbs and flows. I want so much to believe, and I can't imagine leaving our religious community. And yet, sometimes I feel so hurt and hopeless . . . yeah, it's rough. But what can we do? Keep on keepin' on, I guess.
Also, if this post is uber controversial and raw, mine must be straight up subversive. And I believe there are blogs even more controversial than mine. So don't beat yourself up about being honest. We all have feelings. Brava to you.
I feel for you, and I completely understand what you're going through. I think it's more important that each of us be true to ourselves and what we believe than to any one religion.
If that religion brings you closer to God, then by all means, stick with it. But if it causes a lot of heart ache, I do not think there's anything wrong with questioning why.
I'll be here for you no matter what you may decide. You can email me. You can contact me through my blogger account.
I want to say thank you for all of your kind and supportive words. I will try to keep a progressive update on my faith journey. Love.
I think we all have questions at one time or another- some more pressing than others. I know that I personally don't understand fully the patriarchal nature in the church, but just because we don't understand something does not mean we cannot believe it and accept it. I tend to think about how I cannot even begin to comprehend and understand the magnitude and far reachingness of the atonement, yet I believe in it wholeheartedly and accept it. I don't know if that helps
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