When I began the process of becoming a Mormon, one of my first activities was to go through all of my clothing and evaluate it's appropriateness with questions like these:
- Does is have sleeves?
- Can any cleavage be seen?
- Does it show my stomach at all?
- If I lift my arms, will any skin show?
- Does it fall below my knees?
I was really gungho about it at the time, convinced anything other than complete coverage was completely inappropriate. After about three months of this, I tried on one of my old skirts that came three inches above my thigh- I felt naked. However, I did not feel naked because what I was wearing was an atrocity; I felt naked because I had convinced and practiced myself into that mentality.
I saw this on Facebook today, and I got fired up a bit. Of course this calls for a dissection.
- Please address me as something besides a girl. I am not a prepubescent child. Someone somewhere will rebut this saying this is addressed to young females. I respond to that by saying that "Men" need not be giving attention to "girls."
- This was posted by a Facebook group called "Mormons," so I can only conclude it is church members spreading this. Dressing differently than dictated in the For Strength of Youth does not mean that a person is dirty, slutty, or anything else. Certainly not that they have been rolling in manure.
- The attention one receives when dressing without consulting LDS standards is pretty much the same. Take it from someone who knows. More on this later.
The idea that one is either modest or immodest reinforces the Virgin/Whore Dichotomy in which one can be either the purest of pure or a whore. This dichotomy is deprecating to women because it leaves out options of moderation and normalcy while instilling fear that once a line is crossed, there is no return. Think Britney Spears. Long, long ago, in a high school far away, Britney Spears started as the good girl next door. Her resume included the Mickey Mouse Club and other Disney related fame. However, the moment she took one step off the purity train there was nowhere to go except to get racier and racier because American pop culture only desires the Madonna figure or the stripper. My point is this: Not wearing sleeves doesn't make you immodest.
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| This is a picture of me (gasp!) the summer after I turned 19. When I see this picture, I don't think modest or not, I simply see a picture from a great week. |
One day while shopping with my MIL, she commented that I had probably dressed modestly before I converted. "Nope!" was the only answer I provided. The truth of the matter is, I did not wear sleeves. Or cover my mid drift. Or wear skirts down to my knees. The men I attracted were pretty much the same: a lot of guys that I had no interest in dating and a couple I was. Ladies, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Straight men are attracted to women. Here's another gem: The type of man you attract is more about your actions than your outfit.
I am against the idea that men can't control themselves or their thoughts when a woman dresses a certain way. I'll tell you this, if that were the case, Mormons would never go swimming. How is it that men can keep their hands off me in a bathing suit at the beach, but walking around the mall, a tank top is their self control evaporates? Genuinely, I do not understand.
Finally, I'd like put in a complaint about the general need people feel to police others. The meme in the beginning is a prime example of (slut)shaming others into dressing the way another believes they should dress. And this starts at the primary age**! When children are taught that it is imperative to dress a certain way or they are bad, they learn to call others out on their dress. Children need to be taught to police themselves based on their specific beliefs, and not to push that on others (whether within or without their religious establishment). We teach children judgment. In the words of Shawn Mullins (one of my favorites),
We're born to shimmer, we're born to shine, we're born to radiate.
We born to live, we're born to love, we're born to never hate.
And yet, it is practices like policing others where we begin to teach children to judge and hate. Appropriateness is different depending on where where one is or the culture. To think that one culture is the be all end all is incredibly arrogant.
Now, before I get a thousand hate comments (feel free to leave them anyway, but read this paragraph first). I think there is value in dressing appropriately for the situation. I think there is value in teaching modest dress to children. The problem I have is when we attach a person's worth to how they dress. Rather than teach children that they are good when they cover up, perhaps we should teach them the principles that will help them learn respect for their bodies.
And quit shoving your beliefs (whether LDS or not, whether high coverage or low coverage) on other people.
**To readers who belong to my home ward- I am not talking specifically about our primary (I have the utmost respect for our Primary President). My comments are based on an amalgamation of experiences in many wards, parental teachings, and group discussions.
**To readers who belong to my home ward- I am not talking specifically about our primary (I have the utmost respect for our Primary President). My comments are based on an amalgamation of experiences in many wards, parental teachings, and group discussions.
13 comments:
I had a lot of thoughts. Sure, if you dress a certain way, you may get a certain kind of attention. But, you aren't responsible for other people's actions, nor are you going to stop their actions by dressing differently.
I remember sister missionaries in ankle-length skirts and blazers got wolf-whistled at in New York.
But, if a woman walked down the street naked, I'd still expect men like my husband to behave appropriately.
It's a little bit like if you leave your door unlocked, morals dictate that people still shouldn't steal from you, but they might. However, determined burglars will steal even if the door is locked. That still doesn't make you responsible for the burglar, though.
Women deserve the right to wear whatever they feel comfortable in without worrying about being shamed by women or accosted by men (or vice versa). Whether a woman wears a hijab and an abaya or pasties and thong she deserves to be treated with dignity and kindness the same as any other human. You don't have to agree with her choices but you should respect her right to choose.
I just want you to know that Sister Young just taught this lesson in Primary a week ago and did a great job. She taught the children what it says in the Strength of Youth and said that really it is up to you and your parents how you dress. She taught to respect yourselves and your bodies and she really emphasized to the children not to judge if people chose to dress differently from them. So they are being taught their bodies are temples and to respect them in Primary, we're not telling children what to do or telling children to judge people on what they do, they are learning that somewhere else unfortunately... and I agree with you that people should not use those harsh words nor judge. I think we all could take a lesson in not judging. Thank you for your post, it's alot to think about!
Bradi, Sister Young pretty much rocks socks. I definitely was not being specific to our ward- not one bit!
It worries me that the standard of modesty set by the church is being analyzed through your standards of feminism. It should be the other way around. God defined what a woman is and only he knows the true nature, purpose, and potential of each of us. It is our job as members of His church to teach the truth to our children and reflect the truth in our behavior toward others. There is no relativism if you know the truth. Knowing the truth means that you are accountable for living it as well. A leader and parent should gently correct a child or youth that fails to understand or live any principle of the Gospel. This doesn't mean that it is ever okay to ridicule or shame people into dressing modestly. Woman of the world certainly have the right to wear whatever they want, but they are not free from the consequences of what they choose.Above all else, our behavior toward others should reflect the Savior, who taught correct principles and didn't pass judgement on those that fall short. I feel that too often we try and be "non-judgmental" and instead we send the message that there is no right and wrong.
Marcene- what exactly are the consequences of wearing whatever I want?
A sunburn?
There is much truth in the gospel, and there is much "truth" in our culture. Standards of modesty are constantly changing, so it's difficult for me to view them as any sort of consistent truth.
The consistent truth is that we are children of heavenly parents, and that our bodies are magnificent gifts from those parents, and we should take care of them. It does a great disservice to both men and women when they are raised to think that women who dress immodestly (whatever that means at the time) lure men to sin. Women (and men) should dress in a way they feel shows respect for their body, and men (and women) should recognize that they are responsible for how they view and treat other people, regardless of how those other people are dressed.
I view modesty as a trait, not as a list of things to be met or not met to qualify for a label. Dress standards fluctuate, but the principle of modesty does not. I simply feel that people should dress in a way that reflects their standards. Please don't think that modesty is simply dressing a certain way. The youth are told how to dress to cover their bodies so that they can practice that respect for themselves and gain a testimony of their body's sacredness for when the time comes for them to make temple covenants.Someone can be fully covered and act in a very immodest way and the opposite is true as well. Living the guidelines of dress is, for me, a simple exercise of obedience. It's like the laws of Moses that had to be laid out because people didn't have the spirit of the law in their hearts to help them do what was right. It is easy to be modest in your dress and behavior when it is already in your heart.Our dress and behavior are sometimes all that someone sees of us, and if you are a member of the church than it should be reflected in your dress. I do not advocate judging other people. But,people will make assumptions about someone based on how they look, it is automatic to categorize people the instant you see them or hear them talk. I would hate to think that someone got the wrong impression of who I was because I felt my self expression was more important than the promise I made to represent Christ.
Blythe, this post is perfect! You say everything I think is important to say. And I really like the first few comments you've gotten here, too.
Marcene, the last two sentences of your last comment are a problem, not something we should be teaching people. People will judge you based on your appearance, and that is wrong of them to do. Jesus Christ specifically did not ask people to look a certain way in order to be his representatives, and I feel very strongly that he does not consider one's appearance the measure of their commitment.
I don't quite get this "dress standards change, but the principle of modesty does not" business. The only things Jesus ever said about people's clothing were not about coverage, but were in reference to the actual definition of modesty: not wearing expensive clothes and jewelry and being vain about our appearances. If you are referring to LDS standards of modesty then this issue specifically is about dressing a certain way--in fact there are pamphlets that go into great detail on the subject. Yes, when we have this lesson in LDS classes, the real definition of modesty does usually get mentioned, but we're kidding ourselves if we pretend that that's really what Mormon modesty is about. If I were to ask a Mormon youth right now what it means to be modest, I guarantee the answer would refer to inches of coverage.
And finally, I flat-out disagree that there is no relativism if you know the truth. I believe very strongly that God does not expect people in the Congo to dress according to Western standards, despite the fact that Westerners wrote the pamphlet that details what "modest" clothing is. Mormon ideas of modesty are based very firmly in Western culture, and we have a habit of expecting other cultures to conform in the name of righteousness. But God is not American, and there most certainly is relativism when you remember that.
I don't think it is right to judge based on clothing and appearance, I just think that it is the reality of life. Our brains see something and put it in a category automatically. No I don't think God judges on on clothes, like I said, judgements are based on obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel. Youth know modesty as a coverage issue because it is an easy way to teach them to respect their bodies. Again, it is like the law of Moses, they follow a dress standard to prepare them to make covenants when they have a deeper understanding what it means to devote themselves to more fully representing Christ.
In terms of culture and dress standards, I thought I was clear in saying that modesty is not about clothing. Of course someone in the Congo dresses differently than the US, that's why I said that modesty is a trait of respecting one's body and God who created it by maintaining modesty of actions. Since modesty is a principle, not a set of rules it is the same for everyone...ie all saints should dress with respect to the knowledge that they have regarding their bodies as sacred temples....this applies to all even if it is done slightly different in different countries.
Again, if you read my comment you would see that I don't regard modesty as a dress standard alone. Outward dress is just to reflect an inward commitment to respect for your body.
I understand that you're trying to say modesty is more than just Mormon dress standards, but that's simply not true for LDS culture at large. It's wonderful if you understand that concept, but many Mormons do not, and that's not how it's taught in class. That pamphlet I mentioned, "For the Strength of Youth," gives very specific instructions on how Mormons should dress. That is the Mormon standard of modesty. And it's not an eternal principle, not even a little bit. Real modesty is about more than inches of coverage. Mormon modesty is just not. There are people who understand what modesty really is, who know that it's not just about whether or not your shoulders are covered. It sounds like you're one of them. But those people have a greater understanding than what the LDS church itself teaches.
It's an easy way to teach youth, yes, and it's also a very damaging way. So we should really not be taking the easy way out here. When you teach kids that respecting their bodies means everyone always has to cover the exact same areas (far beyond the basic areas of genitalia), you teach them that they can't respect the human body in its natural form (and if they see it less covered than that, they're afraid of it or offended by it). You teach them that they DON'T respect other people who don't choose to cover their bodies in that same specific way. (I can't tell you how many times I've heard teenage boys say to Mormon girls, with only good intentions, "Thank you so much for dressing modestly. I just can't respect non-member girls the same way because they dress so immodestly.") That's a seriously dangerous attitude to teach. That's rape culture, right there--the idea that women who don't cover their bodies the way we think they should don't deserve as much respect. Of course that's not anyone's intent when they teach modesty in an LDS class. But there are consequences of what we teach, regardless of what our intentions are. And the consequences of Mormon modesty rhetoric are unhealthy attitudes toward sexuality and the human body, the female body in particular.
I agree with you completely. In terms of youth I tend to give some slack on their judgements though. It is hard for youth to set clear standards without feeling a need to distance themselves from people who don't keep the same standards, Sometimes this is done in a judgmental way and other times I think it is done as a sort of comfort zone. This is especially true for YM who have to deal with their hormones and trying to keep their minds clean. Hopefully these tactics change as they gain a better understanding of the need to accept others and feel comfortable with who they are while being surrounded by others who live differently.I respectfully disagree that modesty standards create"unhealthy attitudes toward sexuality and the human body". I think modesty standards are in place to protect what is sacred and reserve sexuality for its proper place in marriage. I do see that if modesty is not properly taught can cause girls to feel shame in their bodies rather than love and respect.
I received an anonymous comment last night- I agree with the general message, but the presentation was too biting to be from an anonymous comment-er. Ergo, I am going to paste excerpts here. If you are this anonymous comment-er and feel I have misconstrued your message in ANY way, please let me know so I can take this down immediately.
"there are so many young lds women, who believe that because they wear capped sleeves and one-piece bathing suits that they know everything about modesty. what these women fail to forget is that modesty comes in far more many forms than the dress code formed from the persepctive of an inter-mountain west american religious group. how about modesty of ego? or modesty of spirit? do you think the creator of this beautiful, diverse universe gives one wink about capped sleeves??"
Here is a blog entry that I came across that addresses jodgment of appearance (in the cartoon) and neurologically why men think of immodest women as a tool (in the embedded video). It is prsented with the attitude of open discussion, not diatribe.
-D.O.
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