I've missed you

I have always been a person with a lofty goals.  I also believe that if you are willing to sacrifice everything, you can have anything.

When I was seven, I wanted to be a vegetarian rancher, who not only had pretty much every family member living at my house, but who also ran her home and ranch powered by animal poop.  That's a true story.  I have the drawings and floor plans to prove it.

When I was twelve, I wanted to be a writer, mostly about tragic teen novels that would later be turned into movies.  Then I would be a director and get to determine the haircuts, wardrobes, and actors who would play my characters who were always based on my friends.

A year later, I decided I wanted to skip the writing and go straight to directing music videos.  A whole story wrapped up in three minutes and then on to another.  Holy cow that's cool.  I would watch music videos only after I had decided how I would create them so that I wouldn't be stealing anyone's ideas.

By the end of high school, I wanted to be pretty much good at everything I touched for no reason whatsoever.  I didn't have a real goal in mind except to be awesome.

In college, my goal changed based on the day.  I am pretty sure I majored in biology, Spanish, childhood development, education, music theory, psychology, and sociology at one point.

My goal today is have enough time to make my son feel special and help him to learn to write the number 3.  I want to cuddle my baby girl and get down in the floor with her until she cries from giggling so hard.  I want Jason to feel appreciated and happy to come home.  I also want to work on a new recipe and get some reading done.

I have missed writing the blog-  I hope there is much more to come, but my other goals are taking precedence right now.  You understand :)

Gendered Toys made easy

Making Breakfast with the Kiddo

Something tells me I've lost my mind.  Rather than fight the "I wanna help you!!" I just measured everything out and let the toddler make breakfast.  We may have the kitchen condemned, but otherwise, it was a success.

You Pick Strawberry Day!

I have been getting Ezra jazzed for You Pick farms since January.  I don't know what the crazy appeal is to me, but my excitement has been a little over the top.  Today, it finally happened!

Ezra was happy to have his own bucket to carry around and put strawberries in.  He also was a little enthralled with the irrigation system.  While it looks like the ground is wet in the middle, it's actually not, but he refused to walk on it regardless- he straddled it down two rows.  

In the beginning, Ezra picked every strawberry he could reach.  I tried to explain that we only wanted the ripened red strawberries, but every time I peaked into his bucket I saw more and more green strawberries.  I decided it was time to eat some.  Ezra bit into a green strawberry and decided it was yuck.  I offered him a red strawberry, and he decided that was much more preferable.   

After that, it was pretty much over as far as picking went.  Ezra's bucket kept getting emptier and emptier rather than fuller and fuller.  I love this picture because his face really says it all.  

 When we got back to Grandmama's, we enjoyed the fruits (haha, yes, the literal fruits) of our labor.  By the end of the day I had one strawberry covered little boy!

Happy Memorial Day

I've seen a bunch of posts reminding us to remember this day is set aside for remembrance rather than BBQs or beach days....


But honestly, I can't think of a better way to thank those who gave all than to make sure we are enjoying our lives to the fullest.  And thanking those who served.

Thank you to all our service people.  Thank you for my opportunity to raise my family, voice my opinion, and practice my religion in safety and freedom.   

Lucy Rose

Nicole West Photography

Lucy Rose was born March 31st, weighing 5.6 pounds.  At five weeks early, she spent her first ten days in the Level 2 nursery trying to breathe properly and on her own, gain weight, and keep her body temperature up.  Since we've brought her home, she has done absolutely wonderfully!

Nicole West Photography

Aside from the blessing of a new life in our family, the most amazing thing surrounding this pregnancy has been the loving hands reaching out to help us at every corner.  Some complicating factors of LR's birth made things really difficult-  I couldn't walk due to coupling of a badly sprained and a cesarean; LR had to be in the level 2 nursery for a week and a half, so I didn't leave the hospital;  etc.  It seemed like every time a new need arose, someone new would come out of the woodwork and give assistance.  We have been so very, very blessed to have some truly wonderful people in our lives.  

On Virtue and Sexual Harassment

**  Warning:  Candid material of a sexual nature **
May include triggers for anxiety and sexual abuse
Also, I understand this is not only a female issue, but this blog is aimed at women

Since joining the church I have often heard this catchy little phrase:  Virtue attracts virtue.  While I understand the goal of this seemingly constructive phrase, it carries the same problem the analogy of the frog and boiling water, being that it simply is not true.  I think it comes from a talk given by a General Authority in which it was stated that a virtuous person will seek a virtuous mate, but it has spread like wildfire through our individual stakes to be "virtue attracts virtue."  I find it a rather dangerous premise to teach young girls.

The first time I can remember having a first hand experience with not attracting virtue was in elementary school.  I was swimming at the apartment pool where my dad lived when a neighbor exposed his penis to me.  I looked at his penis.  I looked at his face.  He smiled, looked at his penis, and then looked back at me.  I think I might have been nine years old.  I didn't tell anyone immediately because I did not understand that stuff like that happens- that there are people who get off on that.  I convinced myself that maybe I was confused or what actually happened did not actually happen.  That same week, the guy gave my dad a train whistle for me to have.

When I was in middle school, I began volunteering to fill a gifted and talented program requirement of community  service.  I did 40 hours of community service at a local park where I got to know a few people really well. I loved it so much that I continued to volunteer after the requirement was fulfilled.  I bonded with other volunteers and hung out with my supervisor doing all kinds of odd jobs around the park.  My supervisor was this not quite my parents age, laid back guy who was always very candid with us (me and two other volunteers).  He was fun to be around, even if his occasional comments about my developing twelve-year-old body took me by surprise.  Two years after I began volunteering there, I was told my supervisor went to jail for drawing and creating child pornography of two of the volunteers there. All these years later, he is out and lives about fifteen minutes from me.

By the time I reached high school, I knew what inappropriate was, and yet I still had a hard time drawing a line between what was real and what my mind was fabricating.  My sophomore year I had a teacher who made time often to be alone with me.   He never crossed the line, so I wondered if his flirtations were in my head.  It wasn't until he had his hands in the front pocket of my hoodie and giving me hugs that were way too long and uncomfortable that I realized this was not normal or okay.  He moved schools and I never saw him again.

By my senior year, I decided that men in authority were not to be trusted.  Some may be trustworthy, but how can you tell when clearly the ones who weren't knew how to blend in?  So when my computer teacher started making lewd comments about my body, I told him to shut his mouth or I would get him fired.  Three years later, he drove his car into a tree after being accused of similar acts by a couple other girls at that school.

Just sitting here I have thought of half a dozen more stories like this, but I'll finish with a recent one.

A few weeks ago, while waiting in the car with my two-year-old for a friend, another car pulled up beside me.  I got the feel something was odd by the way this young guy pulled up and did not go anywhere.  He simply made eye contact for a moment, and then I went back to talking to the kiddo.  It was about five or ten minutes later, when I looked up at him still in his car and realized his penis was completely exposed and he was masturbating, while watching me and my child.  I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.  I was also five and a half months pregnant.  This time, I called the police and reported his plate number and vehicle description.

Clearly, my reaction to sexual harassment evolved over time.  If I had been the me I am today, those situations may have ended differently.  So why am I revealing all of this now?  What purpose does it serve to air this out in a setting so public as the internet?

To let you know this stuff happens every single day.
Not just to girls and women who invite it.
Not just to those who wear tank tops.
Not just to those who were drunk at that party.
Not just to those who are popular.
Not just to those who have perfect bodies.
This stuff happens to women and girls all the time.  Having to deal with stuff like this is a reality of being a woman.

I consider myself to be a virtuous woman (having or showing high moral standards as defined by Google), or at least striving to be a virtuous woman.  I take steps to live a clean and moral life, particularly free from sexual temptation. So why then are men who are clearly not on a virtuous path attracted to me?  The honest answer is that I have absolutely no idea, but it has nothing to do with my virtue.  How can a nine year old swimming in apartment pool be unvirtuous?  Furthermore, children in particular will internalize this.  If I am on the receiving end of this harassment, clearly it's my fault.  I must not be virtuous enough.  No, no, no.  This is wrong.

Noteworthy is that when writing about this experience I was tempted to use words like immorality, licentious, or some other synonym that would take the place of the word sexual or try to use other words besides penis and masturbate.  I wonder why that is.  Possibly because virtue is not limited to cleanliness of a sexual nature in my mind.  Or maybe because at this point in my church membership I have started shying away from candid speech.  I really hope it is not the latter.  Candid speech on particular topics (including this one) is really necessary.  In fact, I would say that not understanding sexuality is just as dangerous as becoming too familiar too soon.  If a gal does not know the dangerous possibilities, she will not know how to prepare herself.  Virtue is definitely worth striving for, and I do believe virtue will protect you spiritually.  However, being virtuous does not mean that you are not a target for scuzzy people.   Virtue will not protect you physically.  You have to protect you physically.  Let us not confuse virtue with naivete.

As we are preparing for our baby girl, I ask the husband what his thoughts were on how to make sure our daughter could protect herself against such aforementioned predicaments or to help her handle them.  His eyes went kind of wide and he shook his head, saying that he had never really thought about it;  that the idea that women had to deal with this kind of thing made him really angry.

I am suggesting that we maintain and even work to increase our virtue while educating ourselves, one another, and our children on the realities of being women and the precautions we need to take.  The first steps are identifying how to empower ourselves, our children, and one another.

1. Start early with appropriate education.  Do not give vague, inaccurate names to your children's anatomy.  Teach your children to use proper words like penis and vagina.  Teach them not to be ashamed to use proper anatomical terms.  This will cut the embarrassment of 1) asking questions and 2) reporting wrong doing on the part of anyone in their lives.  
2. As soon as your daughters start going out by themselves, get them some pepper spray.  I once had a classmate interview a campus police officer on film where he advised all the women on campus against pepper spray.  He said that pepper spray would simply inflame the confrontation further, and that what he really recommended was a rape whistle.  Ladies, when a man is coming after you, go for the pepper spray over the rape whistle 100% of the time. Police do not appear out of thin air when a whistle is blown.  However, your attacker's eyes will immediately begin to burn if you hit them point blank with pepper spray, thus allowing you time to escape.  I suggest Guardian Self Defense products because of their handiness and low cost.  
3. Teach your child to trust her own instincts.  If something feels wrong or felt wrong, even if she cannot put her finger on it exactly, get out of the situation.  Teach her to be confident in her decision to do so, and help her understand that she does not have to justify getting out of a situation to anyone if it makes her uncomfortable.  Teach her to set aside her manners and being polite if she feels threatened.  Something predators feed on is that we teach girls from a very young age to be pleasing and polite.  That's got to go.  I love manners, but being abrupt, direct, and curt has its place, too.  
4. Help her to understand proper boundaries.  What is an appropriate neighborly relationship?  How about a familial relationship?  What about your teachers, coaches, boss?  What is the importance of boundaries in these relationships?  Let's stop making inappropriate power dynamics sexy.  Make it an open discussion, one that is not had merely once.
5. Believe her.  Whether it's your friend, sister, daughter, or whoever.  If she says something is not right or something happened, believe her.  Opening up about something like this is hard.  I remember not reporting the situation with the sophomore teacher because I thought if I said anything over something that may have been all in my head, I could ruin his life or I would be in trouble.  It felt like once opened, the situation would never go away.  Telling someone would make it real, so I kept it to myself until years later.
6. Enroll your kids in a self defense class of some sort, be it karate, krav maga, whatever.  These classes boost confidence (something that predators target less) and promote being able to take someone down should they come after you.  
7. Identify with your daughter appropriate responses and reactions in varying degrees to sexual harassment.  Maybe it is enough to leave the room.  Maybe you need to inform a parent.  Maybe you should call the cops.  While all these conversations may seem daunting, the more you have them, the more natural they will become.  Awkward goes away.  
8. Recognize that trends in fashion may promote attacks- and no, I am not talking about mini skirts and tank tops.  I am talking about high heels, ponytails, big jewelry, tight clothing.  All of these things either restrict one's ability to run or they are easy to grab and restrain a person.  When I worked until all hours of the night in the city, I would pack an extra pair of shoes and would remove my jewelry before leaving the building.  
9. Have a Tell Someone policy.  For example, if someone makes you uncomfortable by showing, talking, touching, etc., tell Mama and/ or Daddy.  If Mama makes you uncomfortable, tell Daddy.  If Daddy makes you uncomfortable, tell Mama.  Tell Someone.  

Am I suggesting you should have to do all these things?  No.  I am saying that is the reality of our world currently.  I am saying that to give our daughters the best chance of nipping this kind of garbage in the bud is to educate them on how to prepare themselves rather than feeding them the idea that if they are virtuous, shady characters will not be drawn to them.  

Pay Grade of a Stay at Home Mom

Conversation with Jason while freezer meals.

Me:  

Hey, maybe when I go back to school I could take a couple cooking courses.  Then I could be on Master Chef or something like that.  Haha, no I could never do that.  

-beat of silence-

Well, I mean I could do it, but I can't handle getting yelled at like that.  I mean, I could handle it, but at this point, it's below my pay grade.  

Ezra:  

I wuv you, Mama.  I wuv you.

Me:  

Yep, that's my pay grade now.  

Ezra's Last January as an Only Child

I'm working on something serious and feministy, but it is pretty sensitive for me.  To avoid putting it out there before it's ready I am posting awesome pictures from January.  We got a year pass to the aquarium for Christmas, so we enjoyed the aquarium today.  Fewer toys, more fun, right?

 Ezra and Clay had fun playing before Clay and family moved, but we are really looking forward to seeing Clay and family in a week or so :)

 Mischief makers

Trouble a-brewin'

 Hide and Go seek with kiddos.

Aunt Kerri made Ezra a cape for Christmas.  Super Ezra means tired Ezra later.

 Sometimes, timeout doesn't have the desire effect.  Here is Jason trying not to laugh while Ezra throws a timeout party.

 After I told Jason to keep an angry face.

 Checking out lemurs at the aquarium.  Ezra and Jason are in the middle.

 Play area.  I am photobombing in the window.

 Ezra really got a kick out of the bamboo spinning.

 Who trusts this safari driver?

Ezra in a bald eagle's nest.  

Renovations!

Before picture:  

Every single day since Ezra could crawl, this bookcase has given me a heartattack.  What you can't see in this picture is that directly over that bookcase is a one story fall.  I was told that I should just train my kiddo not to climb, but in the words of Jason:  "Training is for activities you are allowed to fail at once in a while."  Thus something had to be done about these shelves.  

Demolition:

So we destroyed them.  Or, we removed them-  we actually used some of the wood from the original shelves to build ourselves the new ones.  

Time out:

Projects aren't complete without Orange Crush in a bottle.  We aren't soda in our house kind of people, but when ever projects that require several days of attention arise, it's Orange Soda in a glass bottle time.  

Demolition complete:

As you can see, not only was it a one story fall, but there are hardwood stairs to break your fall (and your neck) when you tumble over.  

Putting in supports

Drywall

Plaster

Beginning shelves.  We reused wood from the old shelves.

More shelves.

Ezra is helping.

White washed.

Wall of shelves <3  No more fear of kiddo falling over and down an entire story.  

And of course the real after picture, by which I mean 6 months after the project is completed.  We use the bottom two shelves as kiddo shelves (for now anyways-  new project is about to be in the works for a playroom :) :) ), the middle shelves for "Mama Books" (of course meaning mine and Jason's), and the upper two shelves for display items not meant for little, sticky fingers.  

Goals for 2014

One of our missionaries gave an awesome talk about goals a month or so ago.  He said that we need not meet every goal we set to be headed in the right direction.  I know that to be true.  A year after I had joined the church, was I where I wanted to be?  No, but when I looked at the progress I had made, I was very happy with how far I had come.  Focusing on progress is great.  Here are my goals for the year.  I am optimistic about how much I can progress :)

1. Make freezer meals.  I really want to do this.  I prefer home cooked meals to processed food.  Chicken nuggets (Or my version: "Chikin Nuggets" aka soy nuggets) are a great occasional go to, but honestly, nothing beats a home cooked meal.  One day, when I have a few hours and a clean kitchen (and maybe a deep freezer), I am going to make freezer meals so that I can feed my family a home cooked meal even when I do not want to make said meal.
2. Learn to sew.  This is something I have wanted for a while.  Conveniently, my mama got me sewing classes for Christmas :)
3. Make, keep, and maintain a chore schedule.  Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully this will help me maintain my sanity between the toddler and baby. 
4. Find educational activities for my son.  Holy Cow, he's old enough to start preschool in the fall.  How the heck did that happen?  I guess now is the time to make sure he is getting educational play.  
5. Complete one full year of 100% Visiting Teaching.  I'm a decent visiting teacher....  my people know me-  I think well enough to tell me if they need something.  I hope so.  I need to know so.  Here is trying for twelve months of seeing, writing, calling, and serving my wonderful ladies.
6. One new recipe a week.  I got an awesome Moosewood cookbook for Christmas, and I intend to use it.  I've made a list of meals for three weeks.  Hopefully each week I can substitute a new meal for one on the list.  Even if I only have a 25% success rate that means that next year I'll have 12 new meals we all love.  

Good luck for your goals and resolutions!

Rather Than Singing the Blues (Get Happier Tips)

Decrease stressful activities.  

Holy cow, life is so complicated these days.  There is schooling, extracurriculars, nutritious meals, politics to keep up on, family members to keep in touch with, diapers to change, bills to pay, lawns to mow, houses to clean, etc, etc, etc.  It's so much, and obviously, most of it includes worthwhile and necessary things.  However, maybe on a day when you are running between your Young Women's calling and getting the house fit to be a dwelling for humans, a bag salad with easy add-ins would be a preferable dinner to that five course masterpiece you were planning.  Perhaps the outside the home activities should be limited to the most desired instead of everything that ever seemed cool.

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Increase activities that release bad energy.  

Take a long bath.  Light some soy, anti-stress candles.  Drink herbal tea on the porch.  Do yoga.  Go for a walk.  Did you know that simply subjecting yourself to sunlight will promote happiness and motivation?  I was told by a friend long ago that you should do one activity everyday that could not be done quickly (He said this while eating sushi which may contribute to sushi being my de-stresser).  Increasing simple pleasures can decrease the fixation on hectic, unacheivable routes to "happiness."*

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Serve someone.  

Doing something for someone else can boost your happiness through a few avenues.  Taking time to concentrate on someone else will take your mind off of your ailments or troubles.  Helping someone who is having a harder time than you in particular will help you regain some perspective on your situation.  Happiness has little to do with reality but much more to do with something called the expectation gap.  As you can imagine, this refers to the difference in value between one's expectation and one's reality.

Cut out some of the screentime.

 Yes, screentime has scientifically been linked to depression and personality disorders.  We are social creatures, human beings.  We are engineered to need one another and to interact with one another in a human way.  Computers and televisions take away that socialization and humanity we get from other human beings.  Come on, John Donne, anyone?  No (wo)man is an island.

Focus on the good no matter how small. 

This is personal rather than scientific.  There are always going to be things that do not go how I would like.  Sometimes it's a string a little happenings, sometimes it is much, much bigger than that.  However, instead of focusing too much on the ills in my life (that sounds so dramatic), after due consideration of possible solutions, I move on.  I focus on other things- usually smaller things- that are good.  I had a fresh, clean towel after my shower this morning.  I filled up the gas tank earlier this week which means I don't have to do it now that it's really cold out.  My kiddo has been extra cuddly this week.

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Understand that change is inevitable.  

Embrace it.  Yes, change is unknown and can be scary, but chances are it isn't a bad thing, merely different.  If it is a bad change, the good news is that change is inevitable, and the tides will eventually change toward good.  My example:  Having a baby meant my life completely changed.  No more going out or making my own schedule.  No more solid focus on my daily whims. All I heard about babies was how my life was never going to be my own again.  Buckle up because my life was over.  It sounded horrible.  The reality is my kid is awesome, and I wouldn't go back to pre-kiddo for the world.  He does take up pretty much my entire life, but being his Mama is amazing.  

Keep your home manageably clean.  

At first you may think, Uh....didn't she just write to cut out the more stressful events of my life?  Cleaning and scrubbing does not equal happiness!  That is true, and please do not mistake this tip for encouraging your home to be pristine all the time.  I don't know that pristine is my home's vocabulary.  With that said, we have a deep rooted association between dirty and bad in our brains.  Stewing in an unclean home can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression.

Set a small, attainable goal.  

Attain it.  Nothing boosts my mood like an accomplishment no matter how small.

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Eat well.  

More specifically, eat foods that boost energy and mood.  Pineapple, almonds, and water are known energy boosters.  Walnuts, spinach, and chocolate are known mood boosters.  Avoid saturated fats and processed sugar.  They destroy moods.

Talk to someone.  

I don't mean this in a talk to a friend, parent, or spiritual leader type way.  Sometimes, we could all use some help.  If you can't shake those blues, there is absolutely no shame in talking through with someone who is a schooled and trained professional.  Wouldn't you rather learn how to make yourself happy than stay in a constant funk?

Hug someone. 

Accept help.  

Again, sometimes we all need some help, and often times our pride gets in the way.  Let others help.  Reach out to others-  let them know you need help.  "I need to talk," "I need to be distracted," "I need help focusing" are all phrases that are pretty specific that friends and family generally don't mind helping with.  

Meditate.  

Good air in, bad air out.  Think of nothing.  Let everything in your world go for ten minutes with no distractions.  Dedicate you meditation.  Or don't.  Recognize yourself as a person who needs ten minutes a day to re-center.  

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Attempt to see the lesson rather than the hurdle.  

Even typing this makes me feel like a jerk.  Nothing sucks more than someone giving you the old "Everything happens for a reason" speech.  And to be frank, I do not believe everything happens for a reason.  I think sometimes life is just a bully because it can be.  I do think that we can take something from each experience, even if all we take is empathy when we meet someone down the line in the situation we are now facing.

How do you lose your blues?



*I put happiness in quotes because I do not really consider hectic and unachievable routes to lead to real happiness.  On another note, I love the inappropriate use of quotation marks and am seriously considering a section on the blog dedicated to the public use of inappropriate quotation marks.