The second myth about feminists I'd like to debunk is that we are all lesbians. This is not the case. There are heterosexual women who would as well like to be entitled to all the same rights and privileges as men. That being said (or typed), lots of feminist women support lesbians' rights.
Saying that all feminists are lesbians is damaging to the numbers calling themselves feminists mainly because of homophobia. Somehow, accusing someone of being a lesbian takes away from the validity of their case. (On a side note, when someone calls me a lesbian as an accusation or an insult, I will respond with "and what if I am?" because what business of theirs is my sexual orientation? Also, I find that to be as much of an insult as accusing me of being a certain height-as in not at all.)
One of the arguments used to cause such a fear of homosexuality (or at least the reason that people present) is that children "need a mother and a father" (I put quotes because this is not necessarily my feeling but rather my perception of the general homophobic). It is true that children thrive best in a home that has both instrumental (protector and provider) as well as expressive (emotional support and nurturing) role players, but the previous statement implies that the instrumental and expressive roles must be provided by a father and a mother respectively. Not in my house. Between Hubby and me, I am definitely the one who would put a bullet in someone for threatening my family with no questions asked. Hubby is so much better at getting baby down for bed. The point is, the roles are filled. Now, it seems to me that our gender has little to do with it. If two women want to be the ones to provide those roles for their children, I say go for it. That's all I'll say for now. Traditional gender roles and the cost of that delightful scenario deserves a post in and of itself.
This is actually pro-men as well. Women have already proved that we can be successful in the provider role, and though we're not quite there yet, the workplace is more equal than it has ever been. But what about men? Why do we hold them in such low esteem that we believe they cannot nurture as well as a woman? That is NOT my experience. It is my experience that as is with much else, it varies from person to person. But, again, that is for another post.
To wrap it up, I am married with a child, so not all feminists are lesbians. So. There you go.
Saying that all feminists are lesbians is damaging to the numbers calling themselves feminists mainly because of homophobia. Somehow, accusing someone of being a lesbian takes away from the validity of their case. (On a side note, when someone calls me a lesbian as an accusation or an insult, I will respond with "and what if I am?" because what business of theirs is my sexual orientation? Also, I find that to be as much of an insult as accusing me of being a certain height-as in not at all.)
One of the arguments used to cause such a fear of homosexuality (or at least the reason that people present) is that children "need a mother and a father" (I put quotes because this is not necessarily my feeling but rather my perception of the general homophobic). It is true that children thrive best in a home that has both instrumental (protector and provider) as well as expressive (emotional support and nurturing) role players, but the previous statement implies that the instrumental and expressive roles must be provided by a father and a mother respectively. Not in my house. Between Hubby and me, I am definitely the one who would put a bullet in someone for threatening my family with no questions asked. Hubby is so much better at getting baby down for bed. The point is, the roles are filled. Now, it seems to me that our gender has little to do with it. If two women want to be the ones to provide those roles for their children, I say go for it. That's all I'll say for now. Traditional gender roles and the cost of that delightful scenario deserves a post in and of itself.
This is actually pro-men as well. Women have already proved that we can be successful in the provider role, and though we're not quite there yet, the workplace is more equal than it has ever been. But what about men? Why do we hold them in such low esteem that we believe they cannot nurture as well as a woman? That is NOT my experience. It is my experience that as is with much else, it varies from person to person. But, again, that is for another post.
To wrap it up, I am married with a child, so not all feminists are lesbians. So. There you go.
8 comments:
I have to admit...I'm confused. I honestly thought a feminist was about equal RIGHTS for women and men, not making men and women gender-neutral.
Men are physically, emotionally and spiritually (I believe) constructed differently than a woman is. Like you, I'd be the one to put a bullet into someone if we were threatened, but I'm also the one the children run to for nurturing. Daddy has a different role and can offer support to our children in a way that I cannot. His brain works differently than mine does. Do I think a woman's brain could ever work the same way as a man? No.
A person in my immediate family is a lesbian and she has had the same partner for the last 9 years. They fostered and recently adopted a little girl that they will now raise for the rest of their lives. I personally feel badly for that little girl because she doesn't have the chance to be raised by a Mom and a Dad. There may have been another foster family with a mom and dad that could have adopted her, but perhaps not. One thing is for sure...she's better off with them than with her crack-addicted birth mother. But, the bottom line is, she's being raised by 2 women. One may be "butch" while the other "fem" but when all is said and done, they are both women.
So, back to my original question...what is a feminist? One who fights for gender-neutrality or equal rights across the genders?
**Stepping down from soap box**
Anonymous,
I am really glad for your comment!
You are 100% correct: the definition of a feminist is a person that believes in equal rights for both men and women. Period. Case closed.
However, as the writer of the blog, I tend to assert my opinions as an individual feminist. I should definitely differentiate between the two more clearly.
Science says that men and women are different physiologically and chemically. However, it is society that tells us we are the most different. I do believe in differences between men and women, but I think those differences have been grossly exaggerated by society and reinforced with homophobia. I am not trying to do away with gender, but I also don't believe that gender is defined by who protects the castle and who stays home with kids.
I entirely disagree with the above statement that you feel sorry for the little girl for being raised by two mothers. while i accept that this is your personal opinion, i can't help but raise mine in response. i was raised by my mother - no father in presence - and do not feel that i missed out on anything you suppose a 'man' is only capable of providing. the important thing is that this little girl has been taken in to a loving family wherein she will be cared for far better than state care or her birth mother would allow. yet to say that children with gay parents and without a mother or a father are to be felt 'sorry for', and will not receive adequate or ideal nurture, is also to say that every child born to a single mother, or raised by just a father/mother will be badly brought up to.
raising children, creating family, is not dependant upon the neutral mother/father relationship being in place. it is about love, support, trust, awareness, and about a hundred other things that do not require two different genital sexes to be in place.
as a lesbian woman myself, i look forward to children some day myself. however, until i am financially and physically stable, i will not become a parent. because being a parent, whether gay/straight/single or other, is about being in a position to provide for your child, not about the genders involved.
as for being a feminist and a lesbian, that is of course an old time myth, and all women, whether lesbian, bi, straight etc, should recognise the merits of feminism for what it seeks to achieve - equality. furthering on from that, as we are demanding equality for ourselves, we should ALSO be gracious enough to give this equality to others, regardless of sexuality. and equality is allowing lesbian/gay/queer couples the chance to be parents IF they are responsible, loving, capable, and ready.
Anonymous #2,
I have to agree with you, particularly about the being raised by one parent. I had a great childhood.
This is Anonymous #1 - First, I am not a homophobic. Put that to rest.
Do I believe that in perfect circumstances a mother and father make the perfect family for raising children, yes. Do I understand that there are A LOT of circumstances that make it impossible for children to be raised with a loving mother AND father? Yes. There are a lot of children raised in an abusive, single-parent or same-sex household?
You seem incredibly defensive towards anyone who says anything about single-parenting because of how you were raised. But, you chose for your child to wait to have him until you could provide him with a loving home with both a mother and father. If you could have done just as well on your own, why didn't you have children before getting married? Or, why did you get married at all if it isn't necessary to have two parents when raising children because a single parent could do just as well? It's your blog, so you obviously can write whatever you'd like, but I'm just curious.
So, you are also a mormon, and in the "proclamation to the family" that was so popular years ago, it defines very bluntly the roles of a mother and a father in a home with regards to family life. But yet, you said very clearly that you do not believe in those rolls. How can you be a mormon and not believe in something that your church has proclaimed to the world? If you step back, more than likely, most people that you know do live those rolls that are laid out in the proclamation from the mormon church.
Just some food for thought. In your simple definition of a feminist, I am one too. I believe that women should be treated as equals to men. Women are not subservient to their men, they are help-meets. Equals.
Thanks for the reply to my original post.
**off the soapbox again**
Anon #1,
I would not begin to insinuate that you are homophobic- that is not mine to decide. I am also not calling you a bad person for your beliefs. I like an attitude of tolerance.
As far as being "incredibly defensive" toward anything against single parents, I merely noted that Anon #2 had a point and that my childhood was great. I don't see that as incredibly defensive, but if you do, well, perspective is everything.
In regards to my son, I have to imagine that you know me somewhat personally to bring him into the arena. I did wait to have him, but maybe not for the reasons you suspect. I waited to have him until I graduated from college and was in a position to support him. It had not been my intention to simply wait to have a child (Being very candid: sperm donor or adoption) until I could find a husband. Why did I marry my husband, you asked- because I love my husband and I wanted that kind of commitment.
Last but not least, the proclamation. Our church has evolved (aka continuing revelation) socially as the world has evolved. If you would like examples, I will provide you with such. It is my belief that it will continue to do so. This topic, being quite personal, is one I would rather discuss one on one.
I hope I am not being offensive- that is not my intent at all. I love meeting other feminists whose views differ from mine- it's how society moves forward with new ideas.
If you would like to continue this conversation without outside hostility, I would love to hear from you at jlbmcc@gmail.com.
It seems to me, Anonymous #1, you are the one who is somewhat defensive, and perhaps somewhat judgmental. As the feminist that you say that you are, I would tend to believe that you would not be so judgmental on this topic.
In regard to your statement: "You seem incredibly defensive towards anyone who says anything about single-parenting because of how you were raised"
I do not believe that at any point in time the writer of this blog even hinted at being even remotely defensive on that subject. I also do not recall at any point in time where the writer called you a homophobic.
Don't be so defensive and judgmental- rather remember that love is the most important thing. Try to open your mind and see that there are many different AMAZING ways of living, loving, and raising a family.
As women we need to realize that we are not all exactly alike, and that we are EQUAL AND FREE to live and raise our families as we so choose (as long as it is with love). We all have opinions, and wonderful ideas of "how it should be" but the bottom line is that we all try to do our best and give our most to our families.
Now I will also step off of my soap box.
To the writer of the blog: Great Post.
-Anonymous #3
@ anon #1: I believe in LOVING people. I am not a mormon, but I am a christian. A christian with a wide range of friends. Gay, Bi, Straight, I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is judging people before loving them. That saying "love the person hate the sin" really chews me up inside. I do not claim to have it all figured out, but what I gather from the Bible, and years in church is love first. That does not mean you have to tell people what they are doing wrong. God can help sort that out. I whole-heartedly believe you should just love everyone who comes across your path. Regardless of whatever spiritual, emotional, or sexual baggage they are carrying you just love them and take care of them.
As far as men and women go, I think the ideal situation is a healthy mother and father, but not all people are so fortunate. Most people are just doing their best, and who am I to fault them for that.
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