Music of the Week

"I Won't Give Up"  ~Jason Mraz

"Run" ~Matt Nathanson and Sugarland

"You Make it Real"  ~James Morrison

Energy of Health

I have really been lagging lately.  Even getting eight hours of sleep a night, I seem to always be exhausted.   The first question I always seem to get, as a pescatarian is this:  are you getting enough protein?  Absolutely.  I eat so much protein, I could be a friggin' heavy weight champion (they eat a lot of protein, right?).  Eggs in the morning, soy hot dogs for lunch, and generally some sort of fish or soy product is the main event of dinner.  So why am I so exhausted all the time?  I decided to get a better idea of what I needed, I should consult my three natural health gurus: C, B, and E.  Between the three, these are the instructions I have been given, taking into consideration I am a pescatarian, nursing, O negative, 25 year-old female.

1. Cut down on the protein and focus on more, more, more vegetables, preferably whole.  V8 can help, but it shouldn't be my main vegetable source (This made me sad.  V8 and I are buddies when no other veggies are to be found).
2. Cut out the processed carbohydrates.  Again, super sad.  
3. Get an iron supplement but not too much, and in my case, make sure it is vegetarian.  I chose Nature Made.  
4. Take a multivitamin.  This is because I am nursing.  Baby takes what he needs, and I get the left overs.  Ergo, I have to make sure the left overs have enough nutrients for me.  
5. Get a B12 supplement.  Apparently this is the only nutrient that I cannot get anywhere except an animal, thus I am probably in pretty low supply.  It was explained to me that this is like the body's healthy version of caffeine.  

So.  While it seems there are some definite changes about to take place in my diet and pill intake, there is an upside:  I began this regiment a couple days ago, and I already am feeling results.  Imagine.  If I can tell a difference in my body, in particular my energy level in just two days, IMAGINE what a long term commitment to healthier eating and vitamin maintenance could mean.  

How do you maintain yourself?

Book Review: The Gospel According to Twilight

**Fair Warning:  if you haven't read Twilight, this post contains SPOILERS about the entire saga and Ellen A. Heath's book.  

The Gospel According to Twilight: Women, Sex, and God by Elaine A. Heath

I read this book because, ashamedly, I really enjoyed reading Twilight.  I know.  I am a terrible feminist.  I have also seen all the movies, and again, I am ashamed to admit, I own them.  It's so very entertaining.  Would I rather my daughter grow up emulating Hermoine Granger than Bella Swan?  100 times yes, absolutely. I read one mom say she would allow her daughter to read Twilight only under the condition that she would write a paper after each book explaining the problems with each character and story line.  And yet.....  However, I'll save my Twilight apology for another day.  Or how about I never, ever bring up Twilight again on this blog?  Agreed?  Agreed.

So what did I read about?  The basic gist is Twilight is not very good news for girls, and yet, it is so relate-able because Bella is the epitome of what the media tells girls they are.

From page 38:

"The feelings of self-doubt, shame, and inadequacy come from being indoctrinated with the message that we are not beautiful enough, graceful enough, thin enough, curvy enough, talented enough, athletic enough, rich enough, or sexy enough to actually count.  We girls and women are given a thousand messages a day from television, movies, magazines, and the Web that we are deficient.  Our thighs are too big, our teeth too yellow, our hair too thin, our eyelashes too pale.  Bella is all that.  No wonder so many readers love to hate Bella.  She is us when we are enslaved to the lie.  She is the socially constructed false self that we hate but from which we find it hard to escape."

Another theme that Heath looks into is violence made normal in this love story.  Almost every female character in the Twilight saga experiences some kind of violence by the hands of a man or men, but let's focus on the (so-called) heroine of the story Bella.  The saga would be much less problematic if Edward's and Jacob's violent tendencies were not constantly justified by their "love" for Bella.  Heath discusses characteristics of Edward that are Red Flags for anyone familiar with domestic violence*.  First off, he is controlling as all get out (is "all get out" a southern expression?).  He demands to know where Bella is and who she is with;  he even uses Alice when he can't read Bella's mind.  He stalks Bella by sneaking into her room and watching her sleep.  Heath links the justification of these qualities with the justification of domestic violence:  He just loves her so much.  He wants to protect her.  He can't control himself because he loves her.  "[A]busive men," explains Heath, "use manipulation, 'reasonable' explanations, and other maneuvers...to keep their victims confused and under obligation to forgive and endure unacceptable behavior." 

 Elaine A. Heath's book analyzes Twilight under the microscope of women, sex, and God.  I will admit to skimming over the God section because if it is one thing that annoys me as much as Mormons preaching culture as doctrine, it's a non-Mormon teaching me about Mormon doctrine.  Heath pulls a lot of Let me explain LDS theology in her book, and I just don't dig it.  Other people might, I just find more often than not, when a person analyzes a religion they haven't studied in depth, she tends to get it wrong.  As a whole, I wasn't super impressed with this book.  It was very basic without enough analytical depth for my taste.  Two stars out of five...maybe? 

*When I use the term "domestic violence," I am referring to violence that occurs within an intimate relationship, whether it be spouses or paramours.  

Thanks Be to God (With an Attitude of Gratitude)

A Sunday-Preparation List of Grateful 

1. No matter what I seem to do, basil flourishes in my backyard. I love that Hubby and I can grow and make our own pesto, which we love so much.  
2. I live in a country with that protects the freedom of speech.  Heaven help me if I lived in a place where I had to watch my mouth.  
3. My loving family is safe and healthy.  Nothing, nothing, nothing is more important.
4. Our family has reliable employment.  It's something I have often taken for granted, but I know that I should not.  Many people would give anything for reliable employment.  
5. Clean drinking water.  Again, I usually take it for granted, but it's something to which everyone does not have access.  
6. A loving and supportive husband.  That is a tall order when pairing with someone as independent, headstrong, and passionate as I am.  
7. The right to vote.  It's one thing to write a blog persuading others, but to have a vote in what my government is doing is so much bigger.
8. Pain reliever for infants.  I am so grateful that my kiddo has something within reach to drop a fever or take the edge off of teething.
9. Medical Technology.  Without it, I would not be around to raise my son right now.  
10. Cars.  I love cars because my family is somewhat spread out at this point in our lives.  Cars make it possible for us to get together, see one another, and be a part of one another's lives.  

The Difference Between God's Sons and Daughters

This was shown to me by my friend, Miri- check her out at her blog here. 

Before reading the rest of this post, compare the two for yourself.  What are your impressions?  

Let's examine the differences.

1. "Unlimited" vs "Amazing" potential:  "Amazing" is, well, amazing.  It's a great word and description- inspiring even.  However, it's not "unlimited."  This a great example of why it is hard to see inequalities sometimes.  Sexism is not an isolated incidence.   It is not this one thing this one time at this one place.  Sexism is a mentality, it's a force, it's an ideology.  It cannot, therefore, be viewed without the three-dimensional lens of comparison.  
2. "Amazing" vs  "Beautiful":  Argue if you will, but beautiful in my opinion is a much more passive word.  Upon looking "beautiful" up in the dictionary, the only definition I found that doesn't refer to appearances is this:  very pleasing or satisfying.  That definition insinuates that "beautiful" is determined by an external source, or in other words, someone outside of this girl has to decide that she is beautiful.  Descriptions like pleasing and satisfying cannot be attained without another person to which one can be pleasing and satisfying.  Being beautiful is passive and dependent.  Not that beautiful is a bad thing in and of itself, but when compared with "I am amazing," beautiful, it seems, is pretty flimsy.

What are your thoughts on the two?

Resisting the shame game

Let's talk about folkways and mores.  First off, I'm going to consult my handy dandy basic sociology text book (I like Michael Kimmel and Amy Aronson's Sociology Now, but that's probably because I love Michael Kimmel).

Folkways: relatively weak and informal norms that are the result of patterns of action, such as "manners"- infractions are noticed but seldom punished.

That's a more.... Yeah... couldn't resist

Mores: (mawr-eyz) informally enforced norms based on strong moral values, which are viewed as essential to the proper functioning of a group- but no law is enforcing them.  An example of this is a showing up to a job interview in pajamas and wet hair.  There's no law against it, but you're probably not going to get the job.

I think it is important to make these distinctions because one of my favorite anti-feminist arguments is "Show me where the law creates inequality."  While I believe that if I had a law degree I would be able to do just that, I do not, so I'll let that rest.  For now.  However, folkways and, even more importantly, mores are incredibly sexist.  

But that's not what I came here to talk to you about.  

I came to talk about how many mores are enforced in American culture with shame, and quite frankly, I've said it before and here I go again:

We need to cut that garbage out.  

boat dwellers

If it's one thing sociology has taught me it's that people go about their daily lives in very different manners.  There is usually not a better or worse, merely a difference in what makes people happy.  For example, how often do you think these boat dwelling people get asked when they want to settle down and get a home or how they won't be able to continue this life when they have children?  It's a shame mechanism.  They could just as easily turn the shame around and say, "Doesn't it bother you to be in so much debt with a mortgage, car payments, bills, and commitments that are so restraining?"  Shame goes 'round and 'round, and we need to cut that garbage out.  

Shaming other people is an act of trying to normalize or elevate another way of life (usually the shamer's preferred life).  The way I see it, no one else's happiness or choice of life style affects mine unless I allow it to, so why would I would shame anyone else?  Understanding this has been key to my letting go of what others want my life to be.

I see this a lot in child rearing, and in particular, breastfeeding.  It seems everyone has a very staunch position on breastfeeding one way or the other.  Parenting (and life) is about choices and making choices that work for you and your family.  What works for my family is breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and flexibility.  I stand by that, and I won't be shamed or corralled into schedules or early weening.  On the other hand, pro-breastfeed-ers need to understand that is not the best choice for many people.  I also believe that natural birth is the best choice for my family if it is an option.  Other women believe that planned Cesareans are the best for their family.  Word.  You do what you need to do.  That is your choice.  

One facet of feminism that I really like is the openness to knowledge.  I believe that everyone should have the opportunity to gain every piece of knowledge about their bodies and life and family so that they can make informed decisions for their life, including but not limited to birth options (birthing centers, hospitals, and homebirths) and breastfeeding (breastfeeding exclusively for as long as is beneficial, breastfeeding and formula, formula only).  Gather all the knowledge, and then be comfortable in your decision. Don't shame anyone else decision, and don't let anyone else shame yours!  

Post Secret Mormons

There have been several people who have told me this post is not uplifting and inappropriate.  They report that they do not understand why I would post such things or what my goals are.  To them I say:

Postsecret is not a tiny project; it is huge. It has many followers, and the project itself has no agenda. I think one of the reasons I love the post secret project so much is because of uncensored ideas and feelings of a person without ordering a public flogging- it's more three-dimensional than that. I don't know that I had a goal per se in posting this blog, more of a chance to share secrets- particularly ones that could be uplifting from new people.

With that, enjoy it or don't, but I think general message here is that there is good and bad to everything.  Perspective is huge.

Three's Company

I Get Angry (Part 2)

A part of me even hates to breach this subject because I know that some readers will immediately think to themselves, Well, this is it-  I knew it would happen. There is no such thing as a socially liberal Mormon.  If that's you, feel free to quit reading now.  I don't need your judgment.  I am not attacking the church.  I am not criticizing anyone else.  What I am doing is opening up about what I am going through.  I write this not in anger, but in sincere effort to find truth.  Truth is supposed to feel good and right, correct?  I am struggling.  Woman, oh woman, am I struggling.

I am even more cautious about posting this because of the number of responses I received yesterday.  I  am worried things will change drastically in my life if I come right out and say what I am struggling and unhappy with because, from what I have seen, Mormons view people outside of the church very differently than those inside.  Which is not to say I'm leaving.  I am working through some stuff-  Stuff that needs to be addressed in my mind.  This does not make me rebellious or a bad Christian.  In my opinion, God wants us to question so that we can learn.  Think about science-  how do we ever learn anything?  We first generate a hypothesis and then work to disprove it.  That is how we learn.

There are quite a few things that I believe in strongly:

1. Blessings-  I cannot deny that I have firsthand seen the power of blessings.  
2. Focus on families and community- and I believe in forever families.  But I believed that before I joined this church.
3. Service-  I love service.  In fact, I get a service high.   
4. Visiting Teaching*- along with service, I believe in a network of community.  I believe in looking out for one another and being responsibly to one another.  It's a beautiful doctrine of Christ's ministry.  My Visiting Teachers are amazing-  They give me love, support, and help me grow.  
5. I do believe in the Garden of Gethsemane Atonement rather than just the Crucifixion.  
6. I love unpaid clergy and callings.  Generally speaking.  
7. The Word of Wisdom has definitely provided blessings for me in my life.  

I know there are more, but off the cuff, these are ones that I love.  However, there is some straight up LDS doctrine that I do not believe.  The general patriarchal organization makes me cringe.  I hate it, and if I am to be perfectly honest, I don't believe in it.  I understand this may be hard for some Mormons to understand how I can question the "divine nature of men and women," but I think if the tables were turned, it would be a whole other story.  A friend posted these questions (Would a rational man join a church that...) when trying to explain why some women feel awkward and misplaced within this church.  I assume that I am going to get this reaction: Well, you don't fully understand the Priesthood.  Okay.  Well, according to those I've listened to most people don't.  However, you know whether you agree with what you do know, right?  I know I disagree.
I have a problem with the general downplay and secrecy of a few church matters.  You know what I was not told about as an investigator?  Emma Smith's trials.  I was never told that Emma did not approve of or even know about Joseph's extra wives (Yeah, check your church history-  if anyone can show me otherwise, I would really appreciate seeing it).  Second Endowments-  what the heck is that?  Something that is so sacred no one should even know they exist?  Why would/ does God want us to jump through so many hoops to come back to him.  And while the Family Proclamation was gone over during my investigation, I have described on this blog before that I take issue with a few points in it.  Mainly that families are to be started by a man and a woman only and the assigned gender roles.  I have also read quite a few accounts of Church discipline councils to be incredibly disappointed.

So....  where to now?  How do I proceed?  Believe it or not, I have a strong desire to believe.  Truly, I do.  I want to believe and belong, but I can't pretend I do when I don't.  But I do love so much about this church.  And of course, Hubby is very believing.  My solution, for now, is not to fake it 'til I make it, but rather to confront my feelings.  I continue to talk with God- probably more now than I ever have in my whole life.  I am continuing to attend meetings, but I am completely comfortable walking out when a lesson goes into something for which I don't stand.  I believe in loving and doing right by people.  I am still very edified by most of the lessons, and it is few and far between that a General Conference talk leaves me feeling slighted.  I will hold on to those.  I will hold on to the good I see and feel until something changes.  I pray for guidance.  I pray that if there is a right way that it will be showed to me, so until then, here I am.

We have been encouraged time and time again to find out for ourselves- to know for ourselves that this church is the one true church.  I don't know that, and I truly don't believe that anyone can fault me for it.

*Visiting Teaching is monthly visiting about 3-5 five assigned women-  it provides network and support.

I Get Angry (Part 1.5)

I posted Part 2, but I am thinking about un-posting it.  It is very raw, very real, and perhaps simply too vulnerable of me for what should be posted at this stage.  I am going to think on it for a while, and keep it in the wings for now.  Thanks for your support. <3

I Get Angry (Part 1)

"At some point during this semester, you'll get mad." 

~Idee Winfield, my Sociology of Gender professor

This is how Dr. Winfield began my Sociology of Gender class, describing some of the topics we would be covering.  Nah, I thought, I already got mad when I started into Women and Gender Studies.  My mad phase is past.  Wrong.  It's this continuous emotional, spiritual, ideological cycle, like a twelve step program- only anger and hurt seems to be the first step.  My cycle seems to go as such:  anger, hurt and sadness, activism, satisfaction, voyeurism, anger.  What I have to remind myself is that this cycle is in constant motion, so if I just wait, one feeling while phase into another.  This too shall pass.

Anger comes from the flawed organization of our American society-  this phase is usually spurred by something discriminatory brought to my attention.  

Next, I feel hurt and sad that anyone said discrimination doesn't affect pretends like it does not exist.  Issues are dismissed as nonexistent, and I am told time and time again that I am reading too much into something.  I am not.  You wouldn't feel that way if it happened to you. To me, that is the same as telling me I am an ornament in your life rather than someone you care about.  

My turmoil then turns into something productive:  activism.  A rush of adrenalin and happiness comes now because I think I am contributing to my cause.  I have something about which to feel great.  This leads me to feel very satisfied.

This leads to complacency.  I now get to look around and watch the world for a while because I have done my bit.  That is, until I see the injustices come shining through.  Then, I get angry. 

This works for me socially and emotionally.  The problem I face now is that I feel angry in a religious setting.  I feel religiously angry.  I have to evaluate whether this is a phase or something new I have encountered that needs to be dealt with more permanently.  

I think Jonathon Swift summed it up when he said, "We have enough religion to make us hate but not enough to make us love one another."

Because, honestly, I see individuals who love, and organizations that engender hate.

Part 2 will come tonight or tomorrow.  

To Read List

My sister is getting married next month.  I get to hang out on a tropical island for a week in attendance of her wedding.  I am so excited.  I am looking forward to good food and playing with the baby in the pools and having very few responsibilities (besides baby, of course).  I am also looking forward to reading. Woot!  I'm compiling a list of books from which to choose my vacation reading.  I haven't read any of them, so if anyone has any thoughts/ recommendations, let me know!

Reading List 

Beyond the Sling by Mayim Bialik

Cinderella Ate my Daughter by Peggy Orenstein

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Teresa Barker

The Gospel According to Twilight: Women, Sex, and God by Elaine A. Heath

Like I said, really excited.  

Pool Jam (Christening the Pool)

We had our first pool time of the summer with Grandma on Sunday.  Ezra looked like a Muscle Man in his swimsuit with the floaties.   

He could barely seen over the floatie part. 

He was the first one in the pool.  He loved being dipped in.

He enjoyed free swimming for a minute or two...

...but then decided that his yellow float was definitely more his style!

My new favorite Picture

Fun with Grandma

Worn out with Grandma.

What's in a (Husband's) Name?

No witty introduction-  I am going straight to the heart of this post immediately.  My name is not Mrs. "Husband's name" McCuistion, so cut that garbage out.

I understand that at one time being a woman meant that I was to be given to my husband upon our marriage, but, folks, it's a new day and age.  I haven't been given to anyone because this life is still my own.

I struggled with the decision to change my last name when I got married.  In fact, I kept my maiden name for a couple of weeks after my marriage,  until I cracked under pressure to change it.  At church, no one would call me "Sister Wooten," even when I specifically corrected them.  I corrected one member of the bishopric three times, told him that I hadn't changed my name, but, alas, was stilled called "Sister McCuistion."  I buckled.  It didn't seem like that big of a deal.  Sure, I was giving up the name I had grown up with and identified with for the past twenty-two years, but that didn't mean a loss of identity, right?

And then, it came.
That's right, the first piece of mail that was formally addressed to me:  "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion"

What. The. Heck.

As explained to me by many when I expressed my dissatisfaction, I had no right to feel this way.  Addressing me as "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion" is proper etiquette.  It's polite.  It's simple manners.
Well.  I am still a human being with my own identity, and therefore my own name.
Secondly, I prefer Ms. over Mrs. and here's why:  Men don't have a special prefix indicating whether they are married or not  because it doesn't matter.  However, the world views very differently the married woman and the single.  I do not care to be known by name as being married because if it is pertinent enough to the situation, my marital status will can be disclosed upon request.

I am not throwing stones at individuals who have addressed me as "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion."  That would be silly since I can only assume that specific people are not doing it as a purposeful insult.  No, I do assume that each individual is doing only what feels right to her or him.  However, the practice as a society really irks me.

However, companies and people with whom I have professional dealings best recognize.
Today I came home, and, excitingly, found two different new adoption packets in the mail (I think it's public knowledge now that we are looking to adopt our next-  if it wasn't before, it is now).  I looked at each, and then...  There is was:  Mr. and Mrs. Hubby McCuistion.
Worth mentioning is that each of the packets I have applied for I have filled out MY information and only included my husband's name because the applications asked for the name of spouse.
Again,
What.  The.  Heck????

It is really unfortunate, but I sincerely wish more with every passing week that I had kept my maiden name.**  Hubby's opinion is that having one name unites us as a family.  I am not so sure.  I think what unites us is our commitment and our binding marriage contract (Oh, right, we're LDS, so and covenant).  I think names are merely a formality, particularly in adopted families.  When we adopt a child, I don't intend on changing the child's last name if they already have one (we are planning on adopting a toddler) because it's a part of who they are.

Becoming a family doesn't mean changing who you are, it mean's shaping who you will become with one another.



*I refer to my husband's first name as "Hubby" because while I don't mind disclosing who I am, perhaps he would prefer not to offer up that information.

**I am not suggesting that this is something for everyone as long as no one is saying changing one's name is something for everyone either.

If it were a lady....