Making Breakfast with the Kiddo

Something tells me I've lost my mind.  Rather than fight the "I wanna help you!!" I just measured everything out and let the toddler make breakfast.  We may have the kitchen condemned, but otherwise, it was a success.

Our Perfect Parent

I think this is what Attachment Parenting is all about.  And also, I think it is right in line with the LDS train of thought.  In our faith, we believe that in the premortal life we all lived together as brothers and sisters.  We were all on equal footing when we dwelt with God.  We have been sent to Earth at different times, but we were all the same with God.  In this life, our job as parents is to be our children's teachers and protectors.  Our job is not to be our children's tyrant.  We are supposed to consider our children on loan from God, who has trusted us to teach our friends from before how to live in this life.  How much would your interaction change if you knew these were God's children and he was watching to see how you cared for his children?  How much does your correction vary when your friends mess up and when your children mess up?  Children may need more correction over shorter periods of time, but that's what we, as parents, have signed up for.

There are three main parenting styles commonly used in two parent households.  There are others in single parent homes, but that's more specific than this post goes.   I'd like to talk about:

1. Authoritarian-  This parenting style is the "Because I said so" champion.  These households are very demanding.  Often full obedience is enforced by forceful measures.  The focus is on control for the time being rather than preparing the child to become more and more autonomous as she enters society.  (You can't have the car on Saturday because I said so.)*
2. Authoritative-  This style is also very demanding, but there is a high amount of parental support as well.  While the parent has the final say, the child's thoughts, feelings, and opinions are involved in the decision making process.  This is a flexible home.  Harsh punishments are not a part of authoritative parenting.  (You can borrow the car after you've picked up your sister from soccer practice.)*
3. Nondirective (or permissive)-  These are the parents who are very loving but set no boundaries.  It is low in expectation.  These are the children who are running a muck in the supermarket or throwing food across the restaurant.  They are the ones that make onlookers put of their hats of judgment. (You can borrow the car whenever you like)*

This sounds very cut and dry, but it's not.  These parenting styles overlap, meaning that most households are somewhere on the continuum.  Let's step back over to God's parenting style for a moment.  He has given us the ability to choose for ourselves.  He does not force us to do anything. He has, however, given us rules to help us learn to make good choices for ourselves.  He is not a permissive Father;  your actions have consequences.  If you get drunk and get behind the wheel, God may forgive you, but you will still face the consequential accident or lives lost as a result.  It sounds to me like Heaven Father is an authoritative parent, which makes sense because it produces that most well-adjusted, successful children, sociologically speaking.

So.  What's my point?  Be nice to your kid.  Raise them in  a way that helps them make good decisions (note that good decisions are different from doing everything the way you do) as an autonomous adult.  Don't treat them like something you own.  Be a teacher, not a tyrant.  And if you don't like children, don't have them.

I think I am about to lose all of my LDS readers with that last sentence, but hear me out (Er...read me out?).  I respect the whole multiply and replenish the earth commandment, but there are exceptions.  Someone who is not mentally or emotionally competent should not have children.  Many people argue that if you can't afford them, you shouldn't have them.  Many argue that if you're not married, you shouldn't have them.  I propose that wanting children should be a prerequisite to multiplying and replenishing the Earth.  Children are not trophies to line your pew on Sunday morning.  They are little human beings who have as many feelings as you do.  I think when one raises children, she should realize that she is going to learn as much as she is going to teach and, in many cases, more.  However, the patience, understanding, empathy, and responsibility one is able to learn as a parent  doesn't just happen.  I know I surely have not been graced with an easy lesson of any of these qualities.  One has to strive for them.  A parent has to actively try to be patient, understanding, empathetic, and responsible.  It is a conscious choice.

So choose it.  No one is expecting perfection (Okay, maybe the people wearing hats of judgment, but who cares about them anyway?), but make the choice to try.  Perhaps we should try just as hard to make ourselves better parents everyday as we do to make our children better sons and daughters everyday.

And just as a fun fact, nondirective parenting is considered a better option by sociologists and parenting specialists than authoritarian.  

*Taken from Nijole V Benokraitis' Marriages and Families.  

API: changing our yes environment

We're practicing our positive discipline (One of the eight principles of attachment parenting) with our soon to be one year old.  At this stage in Baby's life, creating a "yes" environment is one of the only forms of discipline that we see necessary (We are pro-discipline and consequences, but anti-punishment*).  However, it is a BIG necessary.  In our home we have lots of stairs, animals, drawers, and cabinets (in descending order of danger- however, Baby is more a danger to the animals than the other way around).   These are all things that are commonly blockaded by child gates and safety locks, not just in our house but in most houses with a small child in residence.  We go a step further by keeping things that are not dangerous but generally not child friendly out of reach as well.

This sounds pretty simple, but I think a big deterrent for parents in following through with this is that the house doesn't not look as put together as pre-child.  For us, we have a function over aesthetic value mentality; for example, we constantly have chairs in front of the china cabinet blocking access to the silverware drawers, game drawers, and other stuff that is not for Baby.  Is it pretty?  Not so much, but it works very well.

Something I have personally had to work on is being flexible.  I recently came across a quote that said:

"When nothing goes right, go left."

That's pretty profound in our lives, and I have decided to embrace that a bit more.  This past week, Baby discovered the books on our wall of a bookshelf.  The top shelf of DVDs has always been an interest of his, but not so much a worry of mine.  He would take them down and play with the cases, but it was an easy clean up with no damage to anything.  The books, however, get bent, ripped, and eaten.  It seemed this problem got really bad very quickly, so one night I began removing all of the books from the bookcase.  I couldn't think of where else to put them;  I was pretty dismayed at how apart it felt like our house was. Then it was like a light came on, and I decided to put the changing table and the pack and play in front of the bookshelf.  This seems like a Duh moment, but we have had the changing table in the same place for so long.  It didn't not occur to use it to solve a problem.  This is what I mean by being flexible.  What worked yesterday might not work today, and likewise, what works today might not work tomorrow.  

*I am often asked the question "How can you provide discipline without using punishments or even the word 'no'?"  I have heard way too many cases of a child's first word being no.  I think it is said way to often.  A friend of mine a while back said she wanted to say "Yes" as much as possible so that when she did have to say "no," her kids would know to take her seriously; that it wasn't some casual thing she just felt like saying no to.  The more I thought about it, the more that idea grew on me.  With Baby, we do use "no" for important (usually dangerous) things like licking electrical sockets.  Everything else, we tend to default to saying "not for Baby" or "Ouchie!  That will hurt!" or "Yuck! That tastes bad!"  Even at a young age when he doesn't know exactly what our explanation and words mean, we're getting in the habit of trying to explain that there is a reason behind the rules.  This is our concept of discipline.  

Resisting the shame game

Let's talk about folkways and mores.  First off, I'm going to consult my handy dandy basic sociology text book (I like Michael Kimmel and Amy Aronson's Sociology Now, but that's probably because I love Michael Kimmel).

Folkways: relatively weak and informal norms that are the result of patterns of action, such as "manners"- infractions are noticed but seldom punished.

That's a more.... Yeah... couldn't resist

Mores: (mawr-eyz) informally enforced norms based on strong moral values, which are viewed as essential to the proper functioning of a group- but no law is enforcing them.  An example of this is a showing up to a job interview in pajamas and wet hair.  There's no law against it, but you're probably not going to get the job.

I think it is important to make these distinctions because one of my favorite anti-feminist arguments is "Show me where the law creates inequality."  While I believe that if I had a law degree I would be able to do just that, I do not, so I'll let that rest.  For now.  However, folkways and, even more importantly, mores are incredibly sexist.  

But that's not what I came here to talk to you about.  

I came to talk about how many mores are enforced in American culture with shame, and quite frankly, I've said it before and here I go again:

We need to cut that garbage out.  

boat dwellers

If it's one thing sociology has taught me it's that people go about their daily lives in very different manners.  There is usually not a better or worse, merely a difference in what makes people happy.  For example, how often do you think these boat dwelling people get asked when they want to settle down and get a home or how they won't be able to continue this life when they have children?  It's a shame mechanism.  They could just as easily turn the shame around and say, "Doesn't it bother you to be in so much debt with a mortgage, car payments, bills, and commitments that are so restraining?"  Shame goes 'round and 'round, and we need to cut that garbage out.  

Shaming other people is an act of trying to normalize or elevate another way of life (usually the shamer's preferred life).  The way I see it, no one else's happiness or choice of life style affects mine unless I allow it to, so why would I would shame anyone else?  Understanding this has been key to my letting go of what others want my life to be.

I see this a lot in child rearing, and in particular, breastfeeding.  It seems everyone has a very staunch position on breastfeeding one way or the other.  Parenting (and life) is about choices and making choices that work for you and your family.  What works for my family is breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and flexibility.  I stand by that, and I won't be shamed or corralled into schedules or early weening.  On the other hand, pro-breastfeed-ers need to understand that is not the best choice for many people.  I also believe that natural birth is the best choice for my family if it is an option.  Other women believe that planned Cesareans are the best for their family.  Word.  You do what you need to do.  That is your choice.  

One facet of feminism that I really like is the openness to knowledge.  I believe that everyone should have the opportunity to gain every piece of knowledge about their bodies and life and family so that they can make informed decisions for their life, including but not limited to birth options (birthing centers, hospitals, and homebirths) and breastfeeding (breastfeeding exclusively for as long as is beneficial, breastfeeding and formula, formula only).  Gather all the knowledge, and then be comfortable in your decision. Don't shame anyone else decision, and don't let anyone else shame yours!  

Rebuttal to Rebecca Walker's Anti-Feminism

Rebecca Walker

A couple weeks ago, a friend sent me an article called How My Mother's Fanatical Views Tore Us Apart written by Alice Walker's (AW) daughter, Rebecca Walker (RW).  Within the first couple Lines, RW declares that she almost missed out on motherhood due to her mother, AW, being a "rabid feminist."  She states that "feminism has much to answer for denigrating and encouraging women to seek independence whatever the cost to their families."  She describes her mothers idiosyncratic rules about with what toys she was allowed to play and in what games she was allowed to partake.  She details the moments of her life when her mother left her to go around the world, including arranging birth control and her abortion.  She talks about how she "yearned for a traditional mother."  This is just my summary- I definitely encourage you to read it for yourself.

I am messy and a feminist, but it is not feminism which caused my mess.

Whoa.  RW seems to be extremely confused about the difference between being a feminist and being a derelict mother.  After reading this article three different times and in three different attitudes, I simply cannot connect the two from this article.  Feminism does not reject motherhood.  Some brands might now revere the stay-at-home-mom types, but most of the feminists I with which I come in contact think the role of Mom is an exceptional one.  The only restraint feminism puts on children is that one should have them on one's own time- not as dictated by a patriarchal government.  A blessing and an honor-  just maybe not in the bake cookies, sew clothing, change diapers all day route.  They believe in equal parenting.  After reading about RW's trials as a young woman, I think most will agree that her mother was not the ideal, but that is not a symptom of her feminism.

My feminism does not take
away from my love of being
a mom.  

I can speak on my personal journey with feminism, which, in my opinion, has led me to be a much better mom.  My feminism has taught me that Hubby and I can be equal in parenting-  my feminism has led me to Attachment Parenting, which is incredibly hands on.
As far as feminism encouraging women to gain independence regardless of the cost, I refer to a post I wrote a while back Dear Alice Paul, in which I describe the limits of not my feminism but my activism.  Each stage of life offers different measures.
Many anti-feminists wage war against the cause with accusations as such.  It doesn't make sense.  Feminism is not a person.  It is not a thing.  Feminism is not a bad or neglectful mother.   It is a movement, political and social in nature.  It takes shape by the many people who join in.

Attachment Parenting (Personal Progression- 8 months)

One thing I find to be useful in our chosen parenting strategy is to check in with Hubby quite often about the successes and struggles we are having, both individually and as a family.

Thus far our struggles are generally centered around sleep.  Baby sleeps when we sleep plus about two or three naps during the day.  He has, I am very glad to announce, stopped wanting to get up and play in the middle of the night.  However, he does continue to wake up frequently and need nursing or rocking back to sleep.  His sleep habits do seem to be ironing out by themselves but at a much slower pace than one might expect or hope.  I had a night this past week that I can only describe as difficult.  When four in the morning rolled around and Baby was still ready to play (this is not usual), I really wondered if I was doing the right thing. The very next day, I woke up and read this article:  http://fiercemamas.blogspot.com.au/2009/10/saving-my-baby.html.  I was immediately reminded about all the reasons I truly believe this to be the best fit for our family.  Until Baby is Toddler and able to communicate what he wants/ needs, I will absolutely answer every cry with attention, love, and any kind of comfort of which I can think.

   

We also bought bed rails.  Baby started getting the urge to Bungee jump from our bed without the Bungee cord, so we added some guardrails (something VERY advisable if you're co-sleeping).  I was happy to find that the bed rail would attach to an adult bed just as well as a toddler bed.  

Our successes are plentiful.  The one at the very forefront of my mind is how very advanced Baby is.  He took his first steps the day after he turned eight months, so that should debunked all of the "If you carry him everywhere he'll never learn to walk" comments.  Baby has yet to have stranger shyness and is generally very confident in everything he does.  I attribute this to the fact that he never feels scared or alone at this point in his life.  He is also very happy most of the time. 

Another success we have had is discipline.  Many people view Attachment Parenting as permissive, but I can assure you it is not.  In fact, Attachment Parenting encourages discipline from birth.  Yes, that's right, I said (Okay, I typed) discipline from birth.  Note that this is different from punishment.  Discipline is not synonymous with punishment.  Discipline is teaching behavior.  One method of Attachment Parenting is creating a "yes" environment.  This means that rather than chastising a child for getting into something she shouldn't, that something is not made available to her.  For example, in our home, we have a bird who throws empty seed shells out of her cage.  Rather than tell Baby, "No, no, no," we barricaded the area where the seeds fall.  By doing so, we eliminated a "no" and thus created a "yes."  

That's it for now.  I'll give more updates on the Attachment Parenting as the milestones come!

AP Comic

Attachment Parenting

You're probably thinking, Attachment Parenting?  What does that have to do with being a feminist?  
Answer:  The super involvement of both parents.  Parents have to really be on the same page and must offer one another complete support.

DISCLAIMER :: It is not my intention to say that this is the only way of feminist parenting but merely that this is one type of feminist parenting and in particular, the type we have chosen.  It is not for everybody.

Before Baby made his grand entrance into the world, I was told by many not to worry, that I had doctors and reading and, most importantly, my "mommy instinct" would guide me.  When life began again (Baby and my return to our home), I never felt the need to put him down.  Quite the opposite, really, I felt the need to be constantly holding him.  I have the privilege of being able to stay home, and most of our day was spent nursing on demand, co-sleeping, and napping on demand.  Although many were not shy about disagreeing with our parenting strategies, this is what felt right.  Or it did until so many loud opinions made us feel that our methods were destructive.  
I was chastised for this by many who said that nursing on demand would turn me into his pacifier.   I was advised that the best way to go about my day was scheduled.  Babies like schedules, I often heard or read, but it did not feel right to me.  I was criticized harshly for co-sleeping because of the dangerous risks.  I haven't heard the end of people advising me that "sometimes you have to let them cry."  My "mommy instinct" felt broken as society started telling me I was doing it all wrong.  As the pressure built, I started considering trying the more common approaches to parenting my child.  And then GOOGLE happened.

Enter Attachment Parenting.

I had never heard of Attachment Parenting before, and when I started reading, I couldn't get enough.  It was such a relief to read that I am not screwing up my child for life.  I am not a felon for loving a co-sleeping environment, and sleeping "through the night" will come at some point.  I felt a rush of energy as I poured over shared stories confirming my feeling that co-sleeping is wonderful, natural, and not dangerous (when done within guidelines).  Attachment Parenting is largely based on the baby rather than the clock or calendar.  Baby will let you know what Baby is ready for.  It is my opinion that often times society values independence over bonds, and to be quite frank, I am perfectly fine with my six month old not being absolutely independent.  My child may require more of my attention than another for a longer amount of time, but I'm a stay-at-home.  Baby is what I have time for!
Attachment parenting also focuses on bonding, breastfeeding, baby wearing, bed sharing, and boundary building.  The boundary building is based on age appropriate expectations;  For example, moving breakables out of a toddler's reach rather than punishing the toddler for the breakable's demise.   So far, Hubby and I are following this parenting style except for the baby wearing so much anymore because our six month old is over 22 pounds.

I am so very glad to have come across this because I was truly about to crack under the pressure to conform Baby.  Honestly, it feels so much more natural to concentrate on expressing love at this stage in Baby's life.  I am still doing much reading and do not pretend to know everything.  I would love to hear your questions and thoughts because then I can research and know the answers to them as well.  As I continue on with this approach, I will try to remember to share my victories and setbacks :)