On Virtue and Sexual Harassment

**  Warning:  Candid material of a sexual nature **
May include triggers for anxiety and sexual abuse
Also, I understand this is not only a female issue, but this blog is aimed at women

Since joining the church I have often heard this catchy little phrase:  Virtue attracts virtue.  While I understand the goal of this seemingly constructive phrase, it carries the same problem the analogy of the frog and boiling water, being that it simply is not true.  I think it comes from a talk given by a General Authority in which it was stated that a virtuous person will seek a virtuous mate, but it has spread like wildfire through our individual stakes to be "virtue attracts virtue."  I find it a rather dangerous premise to teach young girls.

The first time I can remember having a first hand experience with not attracting virtue was in elementary school.  I was swimming at the apartment pool where my dad lived when a neighbor exposed his penis to me.  I looked at his penis.  I looked at his face.  He smiled, looked at his penis, and then looked back at me.  I think I might have been nine years old.  I didn't tell anyone immediately because I did not understand that stuff like that happens- that there are people who get off on that.  I convinced myself that maybe I was confused or what actually happened did not actually happen.  That same week, the guy gave my dad a train whistle for me to have.

When I was in middle school, I began volunteering to fill a gifted and talented program requirement of community  service.  I did 40 hours of community service at a local park where I got to know a few people really well. I loved it so much that I continued to volunteer after the requirement was fulfilled.  I bonded with other volunteers and hung out with my supervisor doing all kinds of odd jobs around the park.  My supervisor was this not quite my parents age, laid back guy who was always very candid with us (me and two other volunteers).  He was fun to be around, even if his occasional comments about my developing twelve-year-old body took me by surprise.  Two years after I began volunteering there, I was told my supervisor went to jail for drawing and creating child pornography of two of the volunteers there. All these years later, he is out and lives about fifteen minutes from me.

By the time I reached high school, I knew what inappropriate was, and yet I still had a hard time drawing a line between what was real and what my mind was fabricating.  My sophomore year I had a teacher who made time often to be alone with me.   He never crossed the line, so I wondered if his flirtations were in my head.  It wasn't until he had his hands in the front pocket of my hoodie and giving me hugs that were way too long and uncomfortable that I realized this was not normal or okay.  He moved schools and I never saw him again.

By my senior year, I decided that men in authority were not to be trusted.  Some may be trustworthy, but how can you tell when clearly the ones who weren't knew how to blend in?  So when my computer teacher started making lewd comments about my body, I told him to shut his mouth or I would get him fired.  Three years later, he drove his car into a tree after being accused of similar acts by a couple other girls at that school.

Just sitting here I have thought of half a dozen more stories like this, but I'll finish with a recent one.

A few weeks ago, while waiting in the car with my two-year-old for a friend, another car pulled up beside me.  I got the feel something was odd by the way this young guy pulled up and did not go anywhere.  He simply made eye contact for a moment, and then I went back to talking to the kiddo.  It was about five or ten minutes later, when I looked up at him still in his car and realized his penis was completely exposed and he was masturbating, while watching me and my child.  I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.  I was also five and a half months pregnant.  This time, I called the police and reported his plate number and vehicle description.

Clearly, my reaction to sexual harassment evolved over time.  If I had been the me I am today, those situations may have ended differently.  So why am I revealing all of this now?  What purpose does it serve to air this out in a setting so public as the internet?

To let you know this stuff happens every single day.
Not just to girls and women who invite it.
Not just to those who wear tank tops.
Not just to those who were drunk at that party.
Not just to those who are popular.
Not just to those who have perfect bodies.
This stuff happens to women and girls all the time.  Having to deal with stuff like this is a reality of being a woman.

I consider myself to be a virtuous woman (having or showing high moral standards as defined by Google), or at least striving to be a virtuous woman.  I take steps to live a clean and moral life, particularly free from sexual temptation. So why then are men who are clearly not on a virtuous path attracted to me?  The honest answer is that I have absolutely no idea, but it has nothing to do with my virtue.  How can a nine year old swimming in apartment pool be unvirtuous?  Furthermore, children in particular will internalize this.  If I am on the receiving end of this harassment, clearly it's my fault.  I must not be virtuous enough.  No, no, no.  This is wrong.

Noteworthy is that when writing about this experience I was tempted to use words like immorality, licentious, or some other synonym that would take the place of the word sexual or try to use other words besides penis and masturbate.  I wonder why that is.  Possibly because virtue is not limited to cleanliness of a sexual nature in my mind.  Or maybe because at this point in my church membership I have started shying away from candid speech.  I really hope it is not the latter.  Candid speech on particular topics (including this one) is really necessary.  In fact, I would say that not understanding sexuality is just as dangerous as becoming too familiar too soon.  If a gal does not know the dangerous possibilities, she will not know how to prepare herself.  Virtue is definitely worth striving for, and I do believe virtue will protect you spiritually.  However, being virtuous does not mean that you are not a target for scuzzy people.   Virtue will not protect you physically.  You have to protect you physically.  Let us not confuse virtue with naivete.

As we are preparing for our baby girl, I ask the husband what his thoughts were on how to make sure our daughter could protect herself against such aforementioned predicaments or to help her handle them.  His eyes went kind of wide and he shook his head, saying that he had never really thought about it;  that the idea that women had to deal with this kind of thing made him really angry.

I am suggesting that we maintain and even work to increase our virtue while educating ourselves, one another, and our children on the realities of being women and the precautions we need to take.  The first steps are identifying how to empower ourselves, our children, and one another.

1. Start early with appropriate education.  Do not give vague, inaccurate names to your children's anatomy.  Teach your children to use proper words like penis and vagina.  Teach them not to be ashamed to use proper anatomical terms.  This will cut the embarrassment of 1) asking questions and 2) reporting wrong doing on the part of anyone in their lives.  
2. As soon as your daughters start going out by themselves, get them some pepper spray.  I once had a classmate interview a campus police officer on film where he advised all the women on campus against pepper spray.  He said that pepper spray would simply inflame the confrontation further, and that what he really recommended was a rape whistle.  Ladies, when a man is coming after you, go for the pepper spray over the rape whistle 100% of the time. Police do not appear out of thin air when a whistle is blown.  However, your attacker's eyes will immediately begin to burn if you hit them point blank with pepper spray, thus allowing you time to escape.  I suggest Guardian Self Defense products because of their handiness and low cost.  
3. Teach your child to trust her own instincts.  If something feels wrong or felt wrong, even if she cannot put her finger on it exactly, get out of the situation.  Teach her to be confident in her decision to do so, and help her understand that she does not have to justify getting out of a situation to anyone if it makes her uncomfortable.  Teach her to set aside her manners and being polite if she feels threatened.  Something predators feed on is that we teach girls from a very young age to be pleasing and polite.  That's got to go.  I love manners, but being abrupt, direct, and curt has its place, too.  
4. Help her to understand proper boundaries.  What is an appropriate neighborly relationship?  How about a familial relationship?  What about your teachers, coaches, boss?  What is the importance of boundaries in these relationships?  Let's stop making inappropriate power dynamics sexy.  Make it an open discussion, one that is not had merely once.
5. Believe her.  Whether it's your friend, sister, daughter, or whoever.  If she says something is not right or something happened, believe her.  Opening up about something like this is hard.  I remember not reporting the situation with the sophomore teacher because I thought if I said anything over something that may have been all in my head, I could ruin his life or I would be in trouble.  It felt like once opened, the situation would never go away.  Telling someone would make it real, so I kept it to myself until years later.
6. Enroll your kids in a self defense class of some sort, be it karate, krav maga, whatever.  These classes boost confidence (something that predators target less) and promote being able to take someone down should they come after you.  
7. Identify with your daughter appropriate responses and reactions in varying degrees to sexual harassment.  Maybe it is enough to leave the room.  Maybe you need to inform a parent.  Maybe you should call the cops.  While all these conversations may seem daunting, the more you have them, the more natural they will become.  Awkward goes away.  
8. Recognize that trends in fashion may promote attacks- and no, I am not talking about mini skirts and tank tops.  I am talking about high heels, ponytails, big jewelry, tight clothing.  All of these things either restrict one's ability to run or they are easy to grab and restrain a person.  When I worked until all hours of the night in the city, I would pack an extra pair of shoes and would remove my jewelry before leaving the building.  
9. Have a Tell Someone policy.  For example, if someone makes you uncomfortable by showing, talking, touching, etc., tell Mama and/ or Daddy.  If Mama makes you uncomfortable, tell Daddy.  If Daddy makes you uncomfortable, tell Mama.  Tell Someone.  

Am I suggesting you should have to do all these things?  No.  I am saying that is the reality of our world currently.  I am saying that to give our daughters the best chance of nipping this kind of garbage in the bud is to educate them on how to prepare themselves rather than feeding them the idea that if they are virtuous, shady characters will not be drawn to them.  

Let's Talk Birthing Choices

So....  the I tried the super medical approach-  you know, the explore-everything-that-could-ever-possibly-go-wrong route.  I went to the Medical University (MU).

1. They mixed up my medical records with another lady who was 5 months further* along than me.  When I told them this fact, they argued with me until I insisted on giving them my social security number.
2. The MU insisted that I have an internal ultrasound at 8 weeks.  When the doctor performed said ultrasound, she placed the transducer in the wrong place.  Only after I told her she was in the wrong neighborhood did she remove the transducer and start searching for the right neighborhood.  No explanation.  No apology.
3. Once my clothes were back on, they told me I needed a pelvic exam.
4. When I spoke with the OBGYN, he gave me the following information:
   a)  Although I am in a fully monogamous marriage and have been for years, I had to have $1000 bloodwork done to test for HIV, syphilis, and Hepatitis B.
   b)  I would need a new and different test every visit to determine any and everything that could be wrong with my baby.
   c)  At 20 weeks I would need another internal ultrasound to take a comprehensive look at each of my baby's organs to make sure they were properly forming and functioning.
   d)  Finally, we discussed my desired for a VBAC.  The doctor very cavalierly said that he would hope for a VBAC if that is what I wanted, but when the time came, I would end up having a Cesarean because that is what would be best for me and the baby since I had a Cesarean under my belt (no pun intended) already.  
5. When I inquired about all the tests, the OBGYN told me that they are very thorough with their patients.  Apparently the MU treats all high risk cases the same.  However, all high risk cases are not the same.  I asked specifically about the test for Down Syndrome.  "I'm not even 30...  am I really at risk?"  To which the OBGYN said that he thought everyone should have the test.  I am a minimally invasive, hands off kind of gal.  Constant, expensive, unnecessary testing sounds scary, uncomfortable, and like something to which neither my baby or I need to be subjected. 

I came home in tears.  I was no longer excited to be pregnant.  Sure, I was still excited to be adding a new child to our family, but I was horrified and terrified at the road ahead of me.  Over dinner I poured out my feelings to Jason and told him that I never wanted to be pregnant again.  Sure I am the pregnant one, but somehow, all of the decision-making was left to other people.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Blythe, clearly this is not our best option."  We called the birthing center the very next day to ask if there was any chance they could do my prenatal care again.  Turns out, the answer was yes, but I would need to deliver at the local hospital.  I made an appointment and the midwives three weeks later.  We discussed how I was feeling and how I could listen to my body.  I love that at the birthing center, the biggest (though of course not the only) indicator of my pregnancy health is what my body is telling me.  

When I came home from the birthing center, I was energetic and excited.  I was ready to be pregnant.  I didn't have anxiety from the idea that people were going to poking and prodding me for nine months with no reverence for the fact that I am a person, not merely and incubator.  

Women's birthing options are disappearing.  We are hardly given information on our options as is, but now our options are simply disappearing.  I think my favorite remark I have received after revealing that I prefer birthing centers over hospitals is, "Well, you're taking a huge risk.  You're putting your baby at risk."  To that person I say, if you were more educated about all of a woman's birthing options, you would understand that everything birthing situation comes with its share of risk, and, Honey, it's not your fault for not knowing that.  We, as a society, should be much more proactive about informing pregnant couples (and people just wanting information) about women's birthing options.  There are many.

1. Home Birth: This allows a woman to give birth in the privacy of her home.  Most women who decide on a home birth prefer their own space.  In her own space, smells, lighting, temperatures, etc. are controllable and predictable.  Mammals are designed to birth in environments that are quiet, low lighting, and private.  Did you know that a dog will actually take herself out of labor if her environment isn't quiet and private enough?  This is probably why home births generally lead to more natural, fewer complication births.  However, home birth means at home, and I don't know about you, but I don't have an OR in case of emergencies located in my house.  Home birth carries a risk of not getting to a hospital in time.  Also, currently (I did some research, but would love to be corrected on this), it is not illegal to give birth in your home in ANY state, but it IS illegal in some states to have someone besides an OBGYN do a medical procedure.  For example:  It is legal to push a baby out in your home, but it may be illegal to have a midwife check how dilated you are.
2. Birthing Center:  This is the medium between home birth and the hospital.  It's a medical environment that is designed to be as homey and hands-off as can be unless otherwise necessary.  Often these establishments have hospital affiliates for situations that arise that may need medical attention beyond the scope of a midwife.  Birthing centers focus on natural birth, offering options such as waterbirths, birthing balls, and birth stools for pain management.  Birthing without medication has proven to lower rates of cesarean.  Again, you are not at a hospital, so there is no surgical equipment or pain medication should you decide birth is overwhelming.  At a birthing that is more hands-off, if you want certain tests done (like genetic screening), you will need to speak up.  They will not just casually do it.
3. Hospital:  Medical intervention at its finest.  Hospitals save lives.  They are equipped with the highest level of education doctors and the tools to help get that baby out in any situation.  That have medication, nurseries, OBGYNS, neonatal specialists.  Hospitals tend to take the reins out of the mother's hands, and that makes some women more comfortable when giving birth.  In hospitals, Doctors deliver babies, whereas midwives "catch" the baby you delivered.  Hospitals also have about a 1 in 4 Cesarean Section rate, whether needed or not.
4. Obstetrician:  Delivers at the hospital.  An OB is the most educated person to bring your baby into this world.  However, OBs like to be in charge.  They will make decisions for you.  They will put pressure to do things her/his way.
5. Family Practitioner:  Generally delivers in hospital.  Good for low risk pregnancies.
6. Midwife:  Midwives can have a wide spectrum of training. Certified nurse-midwives have a nursing degree and additional training in midwifery. Direct-entry midwives or certified professional midwives have extensive training in midwifery even though they do not have a nursing degree. Most midwives offer care that is flexible and individualized with little medical intervention. Because of limited formal training, they usually limit their care to low risk pregnancies. Many midwives offer deliveries in homes, birthing centers, or hospitals.**
7. Unassisted:  is just that:  unassisted.  Check out this blog on why this mother chose unassisted child birth.
8. Natural:  No medication.  It works on your body's natural production of Oxytocin rather that the synthetic Pitocin.  No epidural.  Natural birth only uses what mother nature thought was requisite.  
9. Vaginal:  This can be with or without pain medication.  Maybe part one way, part another.  This can be done EVEN IF you have already had a Cesarean.
10. Cesarean:  Surgery to get your baby out performed in an operating room.  Sometimes it is an emergency, sometimes it is planned.  This can limit your number of children.  

And you know what?  I don't care what you choose.  I know that for me, for my family, a birthing center prenatal care and a hospital delivery with midwives catching my baby is best.  If it's not for you, that is perfectly okay.  And do not let anyone make you feel uncomfortable about it.  As a mother and as a couple, that is yours to decide.  

*Okay, Grammar Police, I consulted my personal Grammar Police and was advised that either could be considered correct. We could be saying "farther" because we can measure a pregnancy as having 40 weeks in it, and therefore could be discussing a measurable amount of time.  However, we decided that "further" would be more correct since most pregnancies do not actually measure 40 weeks (either going over or under).  Feel free to leave your opinion.  

**Explanation taken from americanpregnancy.org

An Argument for Sex Ed

I am through with election thoughts.  What's happened has happened, and I do not want to dwell on the outcome of the election.  So, let's talk about other controversy, shall we?  

I've mentioned before that I am 100% all about comprehensive sex education in schools.  I have been rebutted with "But what about my values?"  "I don't want my kid learning that in school."  "That's against my religious beliefs."  And so forth and so on.  

Easy solution:  then write a note that gets your kids out of that class.  It's that simple.  I hold the belief that harming animals, even in the name of science, is not okay.  The day in seventh grade when the class dissected frogs, do you know what I did?  I wrote a paper on frog anatomy without ever touching a knife.  I hear that it's a parents job, responsibility, and right to teach their children about their own personal plumbing and that of the opposite sex, birth control, and intercourse.  That's great, but many parents don't.  If you want to teach your kids, by all means, but why limit those who need it?  

Here are some quotes to illustrate why I think we need comprehensive, age appropriate sex education in schools.  

"If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

~Todd Akin

Do we even need to discuss this one?  Hopefully, everyone in America now knows that the female body doesn't have ways of shutting it down.  In fact, 20,000 rape victims in a year couldn't manage to shut that down.  

(In reference to statutory rape leading to pregnancy) "I just haven’t heard of that being a circumstance that’s been brought to me in any personal way and I’d be open to hearing discussion about that subject matter."

~Steve King

Now he says he's open to discussion on this (Which kudos to him), but if Mr. King had a simple sex ed class he would know that sex can make a baby regardless of the female being underage or even related to the rapist.  

"There is no such exception as life of the mother, and as far as health of the mother, same thing, with advances in science and technology."

~Joe Walsh

Oh, Mr. Walsh, I assure you, many women die from complications with pregnancy, and there is just nothing that medical science can do about it.  So, while I respect your opinion about abortion which is yours to have, your information to back that up is simply incorrect.  

"If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything…That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be."

~Rick Santorum

Clearly Mr. Santorum missed more than a sex ed class if he thinks sex with a dog (that phrase is probably going to generate some interesting internet traffic....) is the same thing as sex with another human being.  Two consenting adults is simply not the same thing as the list he tries to equate it with.

It would be easier to swallow if these were not extremely educated and successful men.  But they are on both accounts.  Clearly these men were not taught comprehensive or accurate information.  Clearly they could benefit from a lesson or two.  The other thing that stands out to me is that every  person in opposition of comprehensive sex education is Pro-life.  Do you know what would cut abortions way, way down?  Knowledge and access to birth control.  Fewer unwanted pregnancies = fewer abortions.  Values need to be taught at home.  If you send your kid to school, then they should be given an accurate education.  They can then apply their values to the knowledge.  

I'll close with an example:  

1. Allen learns the Law of Chastity from his parents.  Meanwhile Lisa lives in a house where sex is not a topic of discussion ever.  Amber's parents taught her sex education themselves when they felt she was mature enough.
2. Allen and Lisa go to school and learn that a condom will prevent pregnancy when used properly during intercourse.  Amber's parents wrote a note to excuse her to the library during this portion of the class.  
3. Allen remembers the values his parents have taught him and decides to store that information for when he is planning his family with his wife.  Lisa uses a condom when having sex but does not get pregnant or an STD.  Amber still only has the knowledge her parents wanted her to have.
4. Winning situation.

Thoughts on Abstinence-Only Education

My disclaimer is that I know that my ideas are controversial.

I respectfully say this: Get. Over. It.  

Abstinence Only education is a big thing down here in the south.  The big argument I have heard is "How can you teach kids not to have sex while handing them a condom?"  I have also heard arguments that say schools don't have the time and funding to teach sex education.  Again, cut that garbage out.

Here is my stance:  I think family values are a great thing.  I support not having sex until you are married.  Yay being chaste.  However, family values are just that:  values within a particular family.  NOT society.  Not everyone has the ideal family where sex can be discussed safely.  My aunt is a school nurse, and the other day we had a laugh riot discussing the names given to different sex organs by parents of children.   

All joking aside, it is incredibly important for children starting at a young age to learn the proper names of their anatomy.  Child molestation is real, okay?  I understand you don't want your four-year-old to understand exactly how your marriage bed works, but she needs to be able to tell you exactly how she might have been innappropriately touched. 

I have heard the idea that "If my child needs to know it, I'll teach it."  Well, guess what.  Not all parents will.

In one article I read recently, four types of sex education were described:

1.  No mention of abstinence

2.  Including abstinence in a comprehensive education

3.  Promoting abstinence as the best option

4.  Abstinence until marriage as the only option

You may want to cover your eyes and put your fingers in your ears for what I have to say next.

People (teenagers included) who want to have sex are going to find a way to have sex unless they are taught different values at home.  That is a fact.  I think of sex education as harm reduction.  If you are unfamiliar with the idea of harm reduction, check it out here.

To deny teenagers sex education about how to prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancies is a lot like not teaching someone how to properly use an oven and then getting angry because they got burned. 

Education does not mean that teenagers must go have sex.  In my Organic Chemistry class I learned how to make some deadly compounds, but I haven't set up a lab in my kitchen. 

Often times the same people I hear ranting about not having a comprehensive sex education in schools are usually the same ones ranting about how they don't want to pay for other people's children with welfare.  My solution?  Give them a condom and teach them how to use it.  

Statistics very clearly show that Abstinence-Only education produces the highest percentage of unwanted teen pregnancies.  Wow.  Surprised? 

The lowest percentage of unwanted teen pregnancies are through the education that promotes abstinence as the best option, but not the only option.

I think the disconnect we face is that many people have no tolerance for others who believe differently from themselves.  We must accept that different families have different values.  Maybe chastity is one family's biggest belief.  Maybe not doing heroin is another family's biggest belief. 

Take home message:  Your children are not the only ones who need an education.  All children need a proper education of how their bodies work.  We need to make that available in public schools because we cannot assume it is being taught in private homes.