Mom of the Stay At Home Variety

Living in the same town I grew up in means it is fairly common for me to run into people I used to know, which leads to the exchange of where-are-you-now's.

Me:  What are you up to these days?  

Old Friend:  I just graduated from *blank* school, and now I am working at *blank* office.  I am working towards all my dreams coming true.  I am fantastic (Okay, this may be exaggerated, but most of my friends are doing really well, and I am really glad for them).  What are you doing these days?

Me:  Well, I have a little boy who is almost two, and I am a full time mom and homemaker.  

**awkward moment**

Old Friend:  Oh.  That's cool.  Are you planning on working when he's in school?  / What made you want to do that when you went to school for so long?  / Another question about our childcare choices.

picture taken from soulsneverwrinkle

These conversations (that I actually love because my friends are genuinely amazing) have inspired this post in which I will talk about why I personally chose my child(ren)'s upbringing and education
as my life career.

I have always loved the idea of working* at home.  In the second grade I wanted to be a rancher where my work started as soon as my feet hit the ground.  I drew pictures of my ranch, the layout of my crops and animals, and even designed my own house where apparently everyone I have ever met was going to live.  Over the next ten years I developed other interests.  I loved trigonometry and physics.  I love biology and ROTC.    That is why it may be surprising that when my 12th grade English teacher had us write papers on what we wanted to be whenever we were finished with our schooling, I wanted to be a SAHM.  While I was trying to write my paper, I admitted, somewhat embarrassed, to my mom that what I wanted was to raise my kids.  My mom told me she understood but helped direct me to what my teacher actually wanted of me.

By the time I was 21, I was dating my husband.  Our dating was fun and lighthearted at times, but we also asked the tough questions and made real decisions in a very short amount of time (I guess that's pretty much the way of it when you become engaged after four months of dating...but I digress).  As we began on the topic of children, he stated very plainly that he wanted one of us to stay home with our children.  He said that he would prefer that I would stay home, but he understood that I might prefer that he stay home.**  And so it was decided that for the majority of our kids formative years, my vocation would be them.

At the time I made that decision, in my mind being a SAHM meant that as long as the kids' bums and faces were clean and everyone was fed, my job was done.  However, after having a child, I came to realize and appreciate that there is So. Much. More.  I have been able to set the tone for my child's life and let him grow at his own pace.  I get to give him individual attention.  I get to know his little personality outside of meal time and bath time.  It is amazing to me how knowing little nuances of his personality help me to adjust my mothering to him.

taken from bellybootcamp

I am also very excited about the prospect of home school.  I love the idea of catering the entire learning curriculum to my son and our family than sending him into a school where
a) the curriculum will be very general which means he either need extra attention or he will be bored.  Either way, that can be avoided if I get to teach him at home.
b) I cannot control who goes in or out.  Or who had guns.  Or who points one at my child(ren).
c)  I can lodge complaints but cannot stop or start what is being taught or not being taught to my son (Politics should not be taught in school, but it's crazy how hand in hand the two are).

On the other hand, I am able to pursue whatever else I want.  I don't have a nine-to-five that doesn't allow me a cellphone call or internet access.  Since becoming a SAHM, I have learned to garden, make lotions and soaps, and craft stuffed animals.  I have done sociology research, volunteer work, and been a Primary teacher for church.  If I had a job outside of my house, I really wonder when I would able to follow my open ended dreams of learning everything possible.

But how can I be feminist and stay at home with my kiddo?  That's easy.  Remember that feminism is not necessarily forcing everyone to do what men do but to have the opportunity.  Feminism is the fact that my husband wanted one us to stay home rather than dictating that it had to be me.  I feel the feminist view on SAHMs is to respect them more and honor that this job held primarily by women is not an easy or glamorous task.  It should be given the credit it deserves.  

Debunk the funk:  Synonyms of the Stay At Home Mom

Housewife:  This term irks me.  Maybe it's because of all the media surrounding housewives these days, but the term feels demeaning.  It gives me the impression of a pet one buys to take out at certain times to play with and then put back.  Eww, gross.  The same goes for trophy wife.  Just don't.
Breeder:  Umm...  this just makers me think of The Giver's birth mothers who were not held in high esteem.  It is both demeaning in that it gives low reverence to bringing forth new life and supposing that birthing is all that is done by a SAHM.  

Living a life of luxury:  Well, that's just inaccurate.  I spend my days sweaty while my son runs around the park, covered in food from three meals being thrown around the kitchen, and changing diapers.  Weirdly, kid poop does not seem all that luxurious to me.   

Homemaker: I can get on board with this.  Not so much in the physical sense of the word "home," but I create the feeling of home by meeting the physical needs and emotional needs of my child(ren).  

Domestic engineer:  This is what my job title is on any tax forms or legal paperwork I fill out.   The word itself means I construct the home life, so in essence, it's a fancy title for homemaker.  

* I do not equate the word "work" with the definition of being paid to a job.  "Work" is doing a job for an specific outcome.  Sometimes that outcome is monetary, most times it is not.

**Declarations like this make me love my husband about 1000 times even more than I already do.  

Feminists and Femininity

Hello love! 
I've been doing a bit of light reading (catching up on your blog), and i have some thoughts: I have been thinking a lot about being a woman these days, and I think there is a vast empty canyon between "girly girls" and feminists. Why has it been so difficult for me to find my own balance? I think it is valuable and important to spend time painting your nails, because you should spend some time on yourself. I also think when it comes to "binders full of women" kind of issues we should feel confident enough to stand up and compete with men. Go take over those jobs ladies! (if you want them). If that means a power suit with shoulder pads, then do it.
UGH!! Why can't we (as women) be feminine and still command the respect we deserve from society? Can you imaging if a female CEO sat down at a board meeting and started breast feeding? The world may explode. But why? Why does one have to undermine or compete with the other? I am a hippie and a business owner who wants to wear red lipstick!!!
We get confused, and think being a girl and being a woman are the same thing. They are not. I've grown out of lip smackers* teen beat, and glitter eye shadow. It's time to grown up, embrace your curves, and take pride in being a woman. With sex appeal, education and ambition.
I have never felt like I was good at being a girl. I do like being a woman though. I am trying to re-invent myself a little bit. Even though I am uncomfortable sometimes, I am wearing red lipstick all the time. It makes me feel good, It makes a statement, and I think like Elizabeth Taylor says: Put on your lipstick, pour yourself a drink, and pull yourself together.
That was a lot, thank you for reading. 
*note: you are never too old for lip smackers. I was only making a point. :)


My Red lipstick rocking friend :),
The short answer is that people are most comfortable with boxes. These boxes are incredibly limiting. It's also a tool used by people to make a group as small and unlikable as possible. Think about how many times you've heard the phrase "I'm not a feminist, but...." So many people don't want to be classified as feminist because anti-feminist push the image of unshaven, no make-up, buzz cut women who look more lumberjack than most men. And let's be honest, not many people enjoy having that image attached to what they stand for.
Personally, I think that's garbage. I always go back to the basic definition: equality between sexes and genders. I think the more diversity to support the cause, the better. One of my favorite pictures is one of a "Votes for Women" march. The women are dressed to the nines in their lace and big skirts with hoops in them. These are not "butch" women. These are ladies with an agenda.  I say rock on red lipstick and whatever else makes you feel bold and your best self.
I think another point you hit on was the difference between being a girl and a woman, and the cutesie make-up being different from the entire make-up (not just cosmetics, but everything that makes up a woman's outward appearance). I was reading in a book called "Cinderella Ate my Daughter" where it discusses how society and the media sexualizes girls from a very, very young age (think baby bikinis). Because of that, women are very good at displaying sexy but not internalizing sexy. Our "sexy" is a display rather than something we feel- I accredit much of this to society and the media's boxes of what we should and shouldn't be.
Why can't I buzz my hair and wear fake eyelashes and red lipstick? Because it conflicts with society's boxes. It's all or nothing. Except it isn't. That's just what you're made to believe.

Much love,
Blythe

Debunk the Funk / 3. All Feminists are the Same

You might be a radical if...

This is a fun post (particularly after the comments on the the last post).  There are many, many, many, many types of feminists out there with the only solidifying factor being that we all believe equality should be more salient than sex or gender (sex being one's anatomy, gender being one's actions and identity).  There are so many types with one or two differences that there is hardly even space (or attention span) to type or read them all.  However, according to sociologists, most types of feminism fit into one of three categories:  Liberal, Radical, and Global (or multicultural).

Liberal feminism focuses on reform, both social and legal- basically a fix it attitude.
Radicals, on the other hand, more or less feel that the only way to achieve equality is to start fresh sans patriarchy as a whole.  This includes all institutions that are modeled after a patriarchy including but not limited to government, religion, and schooling.
Global focuses on the interaction of age, race, class, etc and gender.  I think this category is exemplified by an experience of Michael Kimmel (awesome, awesome, awesome sociologist and friend of feminists everywhere).

Michael Kimmel, author of
The Guy's Guide to Feminism

A white woman and a black woman were discussing whether all women were, by definition, "Sisters," because they all had essentially the same experiences and because all women faced a common oppression by men. The white woman asserted that the fact that they were both women bonded them, in spite of racial differences. The black woman disagreed.
"When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, what do you see?" she asked.
"I see a woman," replied the white woman.
"That's precisely the problem," responded the black woman. "I see a black woman. To me, race is visible every day, because race is how I am not privileged in our culture. Race is invisible to you, because it's how you are privileged. It's why there will always be differences in our experience."


That story in and of itself shows just how diverse feminists can be simply because of other life factors.  However,  even more than these separate categories, here are some other factors that vary from feminist to feminist:

1. Pro Life or Pro Choice.  Don't be fooled- some feminists would have you believe that in order to be a TRUE feminist you must be Pro Choice, but that is simply NOT the case.
2. Some feminists believe that men and women are actually incredibly different by nature, meant for different roles in life, yet are of equal importance.
3. Some feminist are loud, noisy activists.  Some are quiet, subtle activists.  I tried subtle for a while.  Apparently not my strong suit.  
4. Some feminists are angry.  Some are hopeful.  Some are both.
5. Some feminists are conservatives, some are liberals.  
6. Some feminists are religious, some are not.
7. Some are young, some are old.
8. Some are men!
9. Some oppose gay marriage, some do not.
10. Some don't realize they are feminists.

Being a feminist has one requirement:  believing in equality regardless of gender.  Everything else is an individual quality of a particular feminist.  What makes you unique?

Debunk the Funk / 2. All Feminists are Lesbians

The second myth about feminists I'd like to debunk is that we are all lesbians.  This is not the case.  There are heterosexual women who would as well like to be entitled to all the same rights and privileges as men.  That being said (or typed), lots of feminist women support lesbians' rights.

Saying that all feminists are lesbians is damaging to the numbers calling themselves feminists mainly because of homophobia.  Somehow, accusing someone of being a lesbian takes away from the validity of their case.  (On a side note, when someone calls me a lesbian as an accusation or an insult, I will respond with "and what if I am?" because what business of theirs is my sexual orientation?  Also, I find that to be as much of an insult as accusing me of being a certain height-as in not at all.)

One of the arguments used to cause such a fear of homosexuality (or at least the reason that people present) is that children "need a mother and a father" (I put quotes because this is not necessarily my feeling but rather my perception of the general homophobic).  It is true that children thrive best in a home that has both instrumental (protector and provider) as well as expressive (emotional support and nurturing) role players, but the previous statement implies that the instrumental  and expressive roles must be provided by a father and a mother respectively.  Not in my house.  Between Hubby and me, I am definitely the one who would put a bullet in someone for threatening my family with no questions asked.  Hubby is so much better at getting baby down for bed.  The point is, the roles are filled.  Now, it seems to me that our gender has little to do with it.  If two women want to be the ones to provide those roles for their children, I say go for it.  That's all I'll say for now.  Traditional gender roles and the cost of that delightful scenario deserves a post in and of itself.

This is actually pro-men as well.  Women have already proved that we can be successful in the provider role, and though we're not quite there yet, the workplace is more equal than it has ever been.  But what about men?  Why do we hold them in such low esteem that we believe they cannot nurture as well as a woman?  That is NOT my experience.  It is my experience that as is with much else, it varies from person to person.  But, again,  that is for another post.

To wrap it up, I am married with a child, so not all feminists are lesbians. So.  There you go.

Debunk the funk / Feminists are Ugly

Have the words "I'm not a feminist, but..." ever come out of your mouth or out of the mouth of someone you know?  I find that often times the reason for this qualification before delivering a feminist sentiment is because of the fear of becoming associated with the unsavory feminist stereotypes.
In order to show that the feminist Kool-Aid doesn't turn you ugly or into a lesbian or even into a man-hater,   I've decided that over this week I am going to debunk some feminist stereotypes.  It's going to be loads of fun as we sort through this garbage together.  And go ahead, throw me your stereotypes!

1.  Feminists are ugly

Hardly.  Although some would have you believe that all feminists are unshaven, fat, and simply ugly, I assure you, standing up for equality and women's rights does not mean you will suddenly become unfortunate looking.  Where does this stereotype come from?  It is the opinion of some that this stereotype is one used to discredit feminists by using something very personal rather than actual facts.  It is an oppressive statement.  It causes fear in people who want to be attractive, and doesn't everyone to some extent?  

It is my thought that this stereotype also stems from feminists recognizing and bringing attention to the difference between the "beauty" presented by the media and true beauty.  Feminists do not subscribe to the idea that only one type of body or one shade of skin or eye color or face shape is beautiful.  Feminists do not believe in photo-shopping the human quality out of photos.  The media not only wants you to believe that people actually look like that, but if you don't, you are doing something wrong and should be ashamed.  Don't be fooled.  No one looks like that.  And that doesn't make you ugly.  

At any rate, here are some examples.  Hopefully you soon see that there are quite a few hotties who classify themselves as feminists.