Gendered Toys made easy

On Virtue and Sexual Harassment

**  Warning:  Candid material of a sexual nature **
May include triggers for anxiety and sexual abuse
Also, I understand this is not only a female issue, but this blog is aimed at women

Since joining the church I have often heard this catchy little phrase:  Virtue attracts virtue.  While I understand the goal of this seemingly constructive phrase, it carries the same problem the analogy of the frog and boiling water, being that it simply is not true.  I think it comes from a talk given by a General Authority in which it was stated that a virtuous person will seek a virtuous mate, but it has spread like wildfire through our individual stakes to be "virtue attracts virtue."  I find it a rather dangerous premise to teach young girls.

The first time I can remember having a first hand experience with not attracting virtue was in elementary school.  I was swimming at the apartment pool where my dad lived when a neighbor exposed his penis to me.  I looked at his penis.  I looked at his face.  He smiled, looked at his penis, and then looked back at me.  I think I might have been nine years old.  I didn't tell anyone immediately because I did not understand that stuff like that happens- that there are people who get off on that.  I convinced myself that maybe I was confused or what actually happened did not actually happen.  That same week, the guy gave my dad a train whistle for me to have.

When I was in middle school, I began volunteering to fill a gifted and talented program requirement of community  service.  I did 40 hours of community service at a local park where I got to know a few people really well. I loved it so much that I continued to volunteer after the requirement was fulfilled.  I bonded with other volunteers and hung out with my supervisor doing all kinds of odd jobs around the park.  My supervisor was this not quite my parents age, laid back guy who was always very candid with us (me and two other volunteers).  He was fun to be around, even if his occasional comments about my developing twelve-year-old body took me by surprise.  Two years after I began volunteering there, I was told my supervisor went to jail for drawing and creating child pornography of two of the volunteers there. All these years later, he is out and lives about fifteen minutes from me.

By the time I reached high school, I knew what inappropriate was, and yet I still had a hard time drawing a line between what was real and what my mind was fabricating.  My sophomore year I had a teacher who made time often to be alone with me.   He never crossed the line, so I wondered if his flirtations were in my head.  It wasn't until he had his hands in the front pocket of my hoodie and giving me hugs that were way too long and uncomfortable that I realized this was not normal or okay.  He moved schools and I never saw him again.

By my senior year, I decided that men in authority were not to be trusted.  Some may be trustworthy, but how can you tell when clearly the ones who weren't knew how to blend in?  So when my computer teacher started making lewd comments about my body, I told him to shut his mouth or I would get him fired.  Three years later, he drove his car into a tree after being accused of similar acts by a couple other girls at that school.

Just sitting here I have thought of half a dozen more stories like this, but I'll finish with a recent one.

A few weeks ago, while waiting in the car with my two-year-old for a friend, another car pulled up beside me.  I got the feel something was odd by the way this young guy pulled up and did not go anywhere.  He simply made eye contact for a moment, and then I went back to talking to the kiddo.  It was about five or ten minutes later, when I looked up at him still in his car and realized his penis was completely exposed and he was masturbating, while watching me and my child.  I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.  I was also five and a half months pregnant.  This time, I called the police and reported his plate number and vehicle description.

Clearly, my reaction to sexual harassment evolved over time.  If I had been the me I am today, those situations may have ended differently.  So why am I revealing all of this now?  What purpose does it serve to air this out in a setting so public as the internet?

To let you know this stuff happens every single day.
Not just to girls and women who invite it.
Not just to those who wear tank tops.
Not just to those who were drunk at that party.
Not just to those who are popular.
Not just to those who have perfect bodies.
This stuff happens to women and girls all the time.  Having to deal with stuff like this is a reality of being a woman.

I consider myself to be a virtuous woman (having or showing high moral standards as defined by Google), or at least striving to be a virtuous woman.  I take steps to live a clean and moral life, particularly free from sexual temptation. So why then are men who are clearly not on a virtuous path attracted to me?  The honest answer is that I have absolutely no idea, but it has nothing to do with my virtue.  How can a nine year old swimming in apartment pool be unvirtuous?  Furthermore, children in particular will internalize this.  If I am on the receiving end of this harassment, clearly it's my fault.  I must not be virtuous enough.  No, no, no.  This is wrong.

Noteworthy is that when writing about this experience I was tempted to use words like immorality, licentious, or some other synonym that would take the place of the word sexual or try to use other words besides penis and masturbate.  I wonder why that is.  Possibly because virtue is not limited to cleanliness of a sexual nature in my mind.  Or maybe because at this point in my church membership I have started shying away from candid speech.  I really hope it is not the latter.  Candid speech on particular topics (including this one) is really necessary.  In fact, I would say that not understanding sexuality is just as dangerous as becoming too familiar too soon.  If a gal does not know the dangerous possibilities, she will not know how to prepare herself.  Virtue is definitely worth striving for, and I do believe virtue will protect you spiritually.  However, being virtuous does not mean that you are not a target for scuzzy people.   Virtue will not protect you physically.  You have to protect you physically.  Let us not confuse virtue with naivete.

As we are preparing for our baby girl, I ask the husband what his thoughts were on how to make sure our daughter could protect herself against such aforementioned predicaments or to help her handle them.  His eyes went kind of wide and he shook his head, saying that he had never really thought about it;  that the idea that women had to deal with this kind of thing made him really angry.

I am suggesting that we maintain and even work to increase our virtue while educating ourselves, one another, and our children on the realities of being women and the precautions we need to take.  The first steps are identifying how to empower ourselves, our children, and one another.

1. Start early with appropriate education.  Do not give vague, inaccurate names to your children's anatomy.  Teach your children to use proper words like penis and vagina.  Teach them not to be ashamed to use proper anatomical terms.  This will cut the embarrassment of 1) asking questions and 2) reporting wrong doing on the part of anyone in their lives.  
2. As soon as your daughters start going out by themselves, get them some pepper spray.  I once had a classmate interview a campus police officer on film where he advised all the women on campus against pepper spray.  He said that pepper spray would simply inflame the confrontation further, and that what he really recommended was a rape whistle.  Ladies, when a man is coming after you, go for the pepper spray over the rape whistle 100% of the time. Police do not appear out of thin air when a whistle is blown.  However, your attacker's eyes will immediately begin to burn if you hit them point blank with pepper spray, thus allowing you time to escape.  I suggest Guardian Self Defense products because of their handiness and low cost.  
3. Teach your child to trust her own instincts.  If something feels wrong or felt wrong, even if she cannot put her finger on it exactly, get out of the situation.  Teach her to be confident in her decision to do so, and help her understand that she does not have to justify getting out of a situation to anyone if it makes her uncomfortable.  Teach her to set aside her manners and being polite if she feels threatened.  Something predators feed on is that we teach girls from a very young age to be pleasing and polite.  That's got to go.  I love manners, but being abrupt, direct, and curt has its place, too.  
4. Help her to understand proper boundaries.  What is an appropriate neighborly relationship?  How about a familial relationship?  What about your teachers, coaches, boss?  What is the importance of boundaries in these relationships?  Let's stop making inappropriate power dynamics sexy.  Make it an open discussion, one that is not had merely once.
5. Believe her.  Whether it's your friend, sister, daughter, or whoever.  If she says something is not right or something happened, believe her.  Opening up about something like this is hard.  I remember not reporting the situation with the sophomore teacher because I thought if I said anything over something that may have been all in my head, I could ruin his life or I would be in trouble.  It felt like once opened, the situation would never go away.  Telling someone would make it real, so I kept it to myself until years later.
6. Enroll your kids in a self defense class of some sort, be it karate, krav maga, whatever.  These classes boost confidence (something that predators target less) and promote being able to take someone down should they come after you.  
7. Identify with your daughter appropriate responses and reactions in varying degrees to sexual harassment.  Maybe it is enough to leave the room.  Maybe you need to inform a parent.  Maybe you should call the cops.  While all these conversations may seem daunting, the more you have them, the more natural they will become.  Awkward goes away.  
8. Recognize that trends in fashion may promote attacks- and no, I am not talking about mini skirts and tank tops.  I am talking about high heels, ponytails, big jewelry, tight clothing.  All of these things either restrict one's ability to run or they are easy to grab and restrain a person.  When I worked until all hours of the night in the city, I would pack an extra pair of shoes and would remove my jewelry before leaving the building.  
9. Have a Tell Someone policy.  For example, if someone makes you uncomfortable by showing, talking, touching, etc., tell Mama and/ or Daddy.  If Mama makes you uncomfortable, tell Daddy.  If Daddy makes you uncomfortable, tell Mama.  Tell Someone.  

Am I suggesting you should have to do all these things?  No.  I am saying that is the reality of our world currently.  I am saying that to give our daughters the best chance of nipping this kind of garbage in the bud is to educate them on how to prepare themselves rather than feeding them the idea that if they are virtuous, shady characters will not be drawn to them.  

Let's Talk Birthing Choices

So....  the I tried the super medical approach-  you know, the explore-everything-that-could-ever-possibly-go-wrong route.  I went to the Medical University (MU).

1. They mixed up my medical records with another lady who was 5 months further* along than me.  When I told them this fact, they argued with me until I insisted on giving them my social security number.
2. The MU insisted that I have an internal ultrasound at 8 weeks.  When the doctor performed said ultrasound, she placed the transducer in the wrong place.  Only after I told her she was in the wrong neighborhood did she remove the transducer and start searching for the right neighborhood.  No explanation.  No apology.
3. Once my clothes were back on, they told me I needed a pelvic exam.
4. When I spoke with the OBGYN, he gave me the following information:
   a)  Although I am in a fully monogamous marriage and have been for years, I had to have $1000 bloodwork done to test for HIV, syphilis, and Hepatitis B.
   b)  I would need a new and different test every visit to determine any and everything that could be wrong with my baby.
   c)  At 20 weeks I would need another internal ultrasound to take a comprehensive look at each of my baby's organs to make sure they were properly forming and functioning.
   d)  Finally, we discussed my desired for a VBAC.  The doctor very cavalierly said that he would hope for a VBAC if that is what I wanted, but when the time came, I would end up having a Cesarean because that is what would be best for me and the baby since I had a Cesarean under my belt (no pun intended) already.  
5. When I inquired about all the tests, the OBGYN told me that they are very thorough with their patients.  Apparently the MU treats all high risk cases the same.  However, all high risk cases are not the same.  I asked specifically about the test for Down Syndrome.  "I'm not even 30...  am I really at risk?"  To which the OBGYN said that he thought everyone should have the test.  I am a minimally invasive, hands off kind of gal.  Constant, expensive, unnecessary testing sounds scary, uncomfortable, and like something to which neither my baby or I need to be subjected. 

I came home in tears.  I was no longer excited to be pregnant.  Sure, I was still excited to be adding a new child to our family, but I was horrified and terrified at the road ahead of me.  Over dinner I poured out my feelings to Jason and told him that I never wanted to be pregnant again.  Sure I am the pregnant one, but somehow, all of the decision-making was left to other people.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Blythe, clearly this is not our best option."  We called the birthing center the very next day to ask if there was any chance they could do my prenatal care again.  Turns out, the answer was yes, but I would need to deliver at the local hospital.  I made an appointment and the midwives three weeks later.  We discussed how I was feeling and how I could listen to my body.  I love that at the birthing center, the biggest (though of course not the only) indicator of my pregnancy health is what my body is telling me.  

When I came home from the birthing center, I was energetic and excited.  I was ready to be pregnant.  I didn't have anxiety from the idea that people were going to poking and prodding me for nine months with no reverence for the fact that I am a person, not merely and incubator.  

Women's birthing options are disappearing.  We are hardly given information on our options as is, but now our options are simply disappearing.  I think my favorite remark I have received after revealing that I prefer birthing centers over hospitals is, "Well, you're taking a huge risk.  You're putting your baby at risk."  To that person I say, if you were more educated about all of a woman's birthing options, you would understand that everything birthing situation comes with its share of risk, and, Honey, it's not your fault for not knowing that.  We, as a society, should be much more proactive about informing pregnant couples (and people just wanting information) about women's birthing options.  There are many.

1. Home Birth: This allows a woman to give birth in the privacy of her home.  Most women who decide on a home birth prefer their own space.  In her own space, smells, lighting, temperatures, etc. are controllable and predictable.  Mammals are designed to birth in environments that are quiet, low lighting, and private.  Did you know that a dog will actually take herself out of labor if her environment isn't quiet and private enough?  This is probably why home births generally lead to more natural, fewer complication births.  However, home birth means at home, and I don't know about you, but I don't have an OR in case of emergencies located in my house.  Home birth carries a risk of not getting to a hospital in time.  Also, currently (I did some research, but would love to be corrected on this), it is not illegal to give birth in your home in ANY state, but it IS illegal in some states to have someone besides an OBGYN do a medical procedure.  For example:  It is legal to push a baby out in your home, but it may be illegal to have a midwife check how dilated you are.
2. Birthing Center:  This is the medium between home birth and the hospital.  It's a medical environment that is designed to be as homey and hands-off as can be unless otherwise necessary.  Often these establishments have hospital affiliates for situations that arise that may need medical attention beyond the scope of a midwife.  Birthing centers focus on natural birth, offering options such as waterbirths, birthing balls, and birth stools for pain management.  Birthing without medication has proven to lower rates of cesarean.  Again, you are not at a hospital, so there is no surgical equipment or pain medication should you decide birth is overwhelming.  At a birthing that is more hands-off, if you want certain tests done (like genetic screening), you will need to speak up.  They will not just casually do it.
3. Hospital:  Medical intervention at its finest.  Hospitals save lives.  They are equipped with the highest level of education doctors and the tools to help get that baby out in any situation.  That have medication, nurseries, OBGYNS, neonatal specialists.  Hospitals tend to take the reins out of the mother's hands, and that makes some women more comfortable when giving birth.  In hospitals, Doctors deliver babies, whereas midwives "catch" the baby you delivered.  Hospitals also have about a 1 in 4 Cesarean Section rate, whether needed or not.
4. Obstetrician:  Delivers at the hospital.  An OB is the most educated person to bring your baby into this world.  However, OBs like to be in charge.  They will make decisions for you.  They will put pressure to do things her/his way.
5. Family Practitioner:  Generally delivers in hospital.  Good for low risk pregnancies.
6. Midwife:  Midwives can have a wide spectrum of training. Certified nurse-midwives have a nursing degree and additional training in midwifery. Direct-entry midwives or certified professional midwives have extensive training in midwifery even though they do not have a nursing degree. Most midwives offer care that is flexible and individualized with little medical intervention. Because of limited formal training, they usually limit their care to low risk pregnancies. Many midwives offer deliveries in homes, birthing centers, or hospitals.**
7. Unassisted:  is just that:  unassisted.  Check out this blog on why this mother chose unassisted child birth.
8. Natural:  No medication.  It works on your body's natural production of Oxytocin rather that the synthetic Pitocin.  No epidural.  Natural birth only uses what mother nature thought was requisite.  
9. Vaginal:  This can be with or without pain medication.  Maybe part one way, part another.  This can be done EVEN IF you have already had a Cesarean.
10. Cesarean:  Surgery to get your baby out performed in an operating room.  Sometimes it is an emergency, sometimes it is planned.  This can limit your number of children.  

And you know what?  I don't care what you choose.  I know that for me, for my family, a birthing center prenatal care and a hospital delivery with midwives catching my baby is best.  If it's not for you, that is perfectly okay.  And do not let anyone make you feel uncomfortable about it.  As a mother and as a couple, that is yours to decide.  

*Okay, Grammar Police, I consulted my personal Grammar Police and was advised that either could be considered correct. We could be saying "farther" because we can measure a pregnancy as having 40 weeks in it, and therefore could be discussing a measurable amount of time.  However, we decided that "further" would be more correct since most pregnancies do not actually measure 40 weeks (either going over or under).  Feel free to leave your opinion.  

**Explanation taken from americanpregnancy.org

Mom of the Stay At Home Variety

Living in the same town I grew up in means it is fairly common for me to run into people I used to know, which leads to the exchange of where-are-you-now's.

Me:  What are you up to these days?  

Old Friend:  I just graduated from *blank* school, and now I am working at *blank* office.  I am working towards all my dreams coming true.  I am fantastic (Okay, this may be exaggerated, but most of my friends are doing really well, and I am really glad for them).  What are you doing these days?

Me:  Well, I have a little boy who is almost two, and I am a full time mom and homemaker.  

**awkward moment**

Old Friend:  Oh.  That's cool.  Are you planning on working when he's in school?  / What made you want to do that when you went to school for so long?  / Another question about our childcare choices.

picture taken from soulsneverwrinkle

These conversations (that I actually love because my friends are genuinely amazing) have inspired this post in which I will talk about why I personally chose my child(ren)'s upbringing and education
as my life career.

I have always loved the idea of working* at home.  In the second grade I wanted to be a rancher where my work started as soon as my feet hit the ground.  I drew pictures of my ranch, the layout of my crops and animals, and even designed my own house where apparently everyone I have ever met was going to live.  Over the next ten years I developed other interests.  I loved trigonometry and physics.  I love biology and ROTC.    That is why it may be surprising that when my 12th grade English teacher had us write papers on what we wanted to be whenever we were finished with our schooling, I wanted to be a SAHM.  While I was trying to write my paper, I admitted, somewhat embarrassed, to my mom that what I wanted was to raise my kids.  My mom told me she understood but helped direct me to what my teacher actually wanted of me.

By the time I was 21, I was dating my husband.  Our dating was fun and lighthearted at times, but we also asked the tough questions and made real decisions in a very short amount of time (I guess that's pretty much the way of it when you become engaged after four months of dating...but I digress).  As we began on the topic of children, he stated very plainly that he wanted one of us to stay home with our children.  He said that he would prefer that I would stay home, but he understood that I might prefer that he stay home.**  And so it was decided that for the majority of our kids formative years, my vocation would be them.

At the time I made that decision, in my mind being a SAHM meant that as long as the kids' bums and faces were clean and everyone was fed, my job was done.  However, after having a child, I came to realize and appreciate that there is So. Much. More.  I have been able to set the tone for my child's life and let him grow at his own pace.  I get to give him individual attention.  I get to know his little personality outside of meal time and bath time.  It is amazing to me how knowing little nuances of his personality help me to adjust my mothering to him.

taken from bellybootcamp

I am also very excited about the prospect of home school.  I love the idea of catering the entire learning curriculum to my son and our family than sending him into a school where
a) the curriculum will be very general which means he either need extra attention or he will be bored.  Either way, that can be avoided if I get to teach him at home.
b) I cannot control who goes in or out.  Or who had guns.  Or who points one at my child(ren).
c)  I can lodge complaints but cannot stop or start what is being taught or not being taught to my son (Politics should not be taught in school, but it's crazy how hand in hand the two are).

On the other hand, I am able to pursue whatever else I want.  I don't have a nine-to-five that doesn't allow me a cellphone call or internet access.  Since becoming a SAHM, I have learned to garden, make lotions and soaps, and craft stuffed animals.  I have done sociology research, volunteer work, and been a Primary teacher for church.  If I had a job outside of my house, I really wonder when I would able to follow my open ended dreams of learning everything possible.

But how can I be feminist and stay at home with my kiddo?  That's easy.  Remember that feminism is not necessarily forcing everyone to do what men do but to have the opportunity.  Feminism is the fact that my husband wanted one us to stay home rather than dictating that it had to be me.  I feel the feminist view on SAHMs is to respect them more and honor that this job held primarily by women is not an easy or glamorous task.  It should be given the credit it deserves.  

Debunk the funk:  Synonyms of the Stay At Home Mom

Housewife:  This term irks me.  Maybe it's because of all the media surrounding housewives these days, but the term feels demeaning.  It gives me the impression of a pet one buys to take out at certain times to play with and then put back.  Eww, gross.  The same goes for trophy wife.  Just don't.
Breeder:  Umm...  this just makers me think of The Giver's birth mothers who were not held in high esteem.  It is both demeaning in that it gives low reverence to bringing forth new life and supposing that birthing is all that is done by a SAHM.  

Living a life of luxury:  Well, that's just inaccurate.  I spend my days sweaty while my son runs around the park, covered in food from three meals being thrown around the kitchen, and changing diapers.  Weirdly, kid poop does not seem all that luxurious to me.   

Homemaker: I can get on board with this.  Not so much in the physical sense of the word "home," but I create the feeling of home by meeting the physical needs and emotional needs of my child(ren).  

Domestic engineer:  This is what my job title is on any tax forms or legal paperwork I fill out.   The word itself means I construct the home life, so in essence, it's a fancy title for homemaker.  

* I do not equate the word "work" with the definition of being paid to a job.  "Work" is doing a job for an specific outcome.  Sometimes that outcome is monetary, most times it is not.

**Declarations like this make me love my husband about 1000 times even more than I already do.  

Our Perfect Parent

I think this is what Attachment Parenting is all about.  And also, I think it is right in line with the LDS train of thought.  In our faith, we believe that in the premortal life we all lived together as brothers and sisters.  We were all on equal footing when we dwelt with God.  We have been sent to Earth at different times, but we were all the same with God.  In this life, our job as parents is to be our children's teachers and protectors.  Our job is not to be our children's tyrant.  We are supposed to consider our children on loan from God, who has trusted us to teach our friends from before how to live in this life.  How much would your interaction change if you knew these were God's children and he was watching to see how you cared for his children?  How much does your correction vary when your friends mess up and when your children mess up?  Children may need more correction over shorter periods of time, but that's what we, as parents, have signed up for.

There are three main parenting styles commonly used in two parent households.  There are others in single parent homes, but that's more specific than this post goes.   I'd like to talk about:

1. Authoritarian-  This parenting style is the "Because I said so" champion.  These households are very demanding.  Often full obedience is enforced by forceful measures.  The focus is on control for the time being rather than preparing the child to become more and more autonomous as she enters society.  (You can't have the car on Saturday because I said so.)*
2. Authoritative-  This style is also very demanding, but there is a high amount of parental support as well.  While the parent has the final say, the child's thoughts, feelings, and opinions are involved in the decision making process.  This is a flexible home.  Harsh punishments are not a part of authoritative parenting.  (You can borrow the car after you've picked up your sister from soccer practice.)*
3. Nondirective (or permissive)-  These are the parents who are very loving but set no boundaries.  It is low in expectation.  These are the children who are running a muck in the supermarket or throwing food across the restaurant.  They are the ones that make onlookers put of their hats of judgment. (You can borrow the car whenever you like)*

This sounds very cut and dry, but it's not.  These parenting styles overlap, meaning that most households are somewhere on the continuum.  Let's step back over to God's parenting style for a moment.  He has given us the ability to choose for ourselves.  He does not force us to do anything. He has, however, given us rules to help us learn to make good choices for ourselves.  He is not a permissive Father;  your actions have consequences.  If you get drunk and get behind the wheel, God may forgive you, but you will still face the consequential accident or lives lost as a result.  It sounds to me like Heaven Father is an authoritative parent, which makes sense because it produces that most well-adjusted, successful children, sociologically speaking.

So.  What's my point?  Be nice to your kid.  Raise them in  a way that helps them make good decisions (note that good decisions are different from doing everything the way you do) as an autonomous adult.  Don't treat them like something you own.  Be a teacher, not a tyrant.  And if you don't like children, don't have them.

I think I am about to lose all of my LDS readers with that last sentence, but hear me out (Er...read me out?).  I respect the whole multiply and replenish the earth commandment, but there are exceptions.  Someone who is not mentally or emotionally competent should not have children.  Many people argue that if you can't afford them, you shouldn't have them.  Many argue that if you're not married, you shouldn't have them.  I propose that wanting children should be a prerequisite to multiplying and replenishing the Earth.  Children are not trophies to line your pew on Sunday morning.  They are little human beings who have as many feelings as you do.  I think when one raises children, she should realize that she is going to learn as much as she is going to teach and, in many cases, more.  However, the patience, understanding, empathy, and responsibility one is able to learn as a parent  doesn't just happen.  I know I surely have not been graced with an easy lesson of any of these qualities.  One has to strive for them.  A parent has to actively try to be patient, understanding, empathetic, and responsible.  It is a conscious choice.

So choose it.  No one is expecting perfection (Okay, maybe the people wearing hats of judgment, but who cares about them anyway?), but make the choice to try.  Perhaps we should try just as hard to make ourselves better parents everyday as we do to make our children better sons and daughters everyday.

And just as a fun fact, nondirective parenting is considered a better option by sociologists and parenting specialists than authoritarian.  

*Taken from Nijole V Benokraitis' Marriages and Families.  

Back Pocket and Some Fun Music

I have been hoarding cool memes and quotes that I like for a while, so this is going to be my meme dump.  Interestingly, you should check out what the term "meme" meant before internet pictures with smart alec words scrolled across it.  Yeah, check our meme theory.

I love this quote because I honestly do see it becoming more and more acceptable for girls and women to be who they are.  Women and girls are rocking solid in their progression towards social equality, but men and boys are constantly ridiculed against activities that may be seen in any way as feminine.  Being a man in today's society is less about what you are and more about what you aren't:  Female.  I am still waiting for someone (ANYONE) to tell me some qualities they find to me innately feminine that aren't physiological.  I am looking purely for behavior and feelings having to do with their femaleness.

After sitting through most of the Super Bowl commercials and all of the halftime show, I do understand why it is such a big deal to nurse in public.  Clearly we have some wires crossed. I show less cleavage when nursing and many a weekday sitcom in normal clothing, particularly when I am out and about and being discreet.






And now, some good music to leave this post feeling happy.  : )

Family Friendly Workplace Benefits Everyone

One of the arguments I hear often that does not support equal pay regardless of gender is that women are more likely to stay home with sick children, take maternity leave, work fewer hours, and not be as present because of their care taking duties.  First of all, putting that blanket scenario on all women is discrimination.  Second of all, men should be stepping up to be caretakers, too. Third, this is described as a choice, though if you're coming from many Christian backgrounds or traditional United Statian* families, it may not seem like such a choice.  In fact, in the scientific study of the life course, being a caretaker (whether for children, aging parents, and other unexpected circumstances) has several stages.  I would argue that being a caretaker is a choice just as everything in life is a choice.  Another choice to make is whether or not to wear the same underwear for a week straight.  There are consequences, but hey, it's a choice, right?

Anyway, that's not what I am here to write about (Anyone else hearing Alice's Restaurant in their head?  "And we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but that's not what I came to tell you about.  Came to talk about the draft."  If you don't get the reference, go Youtube Alice's Restaurant right now by clicking here.).

I came to write about making the workplace more family friendly.  Here are four suggestions of ways our workforce could become more family friendly:

1. Paid Maternity AND Paternity Leave:  This is so important so that Dad can bond with the newborn, but also logistically at home, particularly if there is more than one child in the house.  Caring for a newborn and other children after a Cesarean Section is even harder.  It is really necessary to have help, and shouldn't that help be from Dad?  It also allows fewer unfamiliar germs into the house.  I know one thing I obsessed over when Baby was first born was Hubby washing, washing, and scrubbing his hands when he came home from work.  This paid leave should also be guilt free.  No pressure from higher ups about this being inconvenient.  
2. Childcare Provided:  Not all employees would use it because of Stay At Home Parents (SAHP), a preference of a different childcare system, or the other parent using the childcare at their work facility.  This would allow both parents to work (I know this is not an LDS principle, but many families really need both parents in the workforce), while keeping the children nearby.  If the company is too small to arrange an actual child center of their own, they could provide other options with another facility.  It could be worked out.  I really believe this would solve so many of our poverty issues.  An added bonus is job creation.  
3. A Nursing Mother's Room:  it doesn't have to be over the top luxurious, but something private and quiet where a mother can pump every four hours.  This will cut down on leave taken to care for a sick baby because breastfed babies are sick way less often than their formula fed counterparts.  Breastfeeding also significantly reduces the risk of breast cancer, so that means fewer medical bills and less time away from work.
4. Adjustable Hours:  A work day could be from 7:00 AM until 9:00 PM, and workers could do whatever eight hour shift worked best for them and their family.  That could even include taking a six hour break somewhere in the middle if she or he preferred it.  That means less time taken away from work by appointments that can only be done during the day.  It means many more parents would be able to help out with schools.  

It is my belief that if we create a more family-friendly work environment, it would be easier to get back to those good old family centered values we're always hearing about while also creating equality and opportunity in the workforce.  Can you think of more ways to make the workplace more family friendly?


*Did you know in Central and South American they call people from the USA "United Statians" because they consider themselves to be Americans as well?  I think that's awesome.  

Tidbits from the week

This week has been hard for me, so there is no real put together topic for this post-  it's going to be a little of this, a little of that.  I started my week seeing another feminist secret this week on the Post Secret Blog.  It served as a reminder to me that we are all hypocrites until we're perfect (which I don't really believe to be attainable in this life), so we need to cut others and ourselves some slack.    To the author of this secret:  You are not a failure-  you need help and support.  Don't we all?

I started my book review for Cinderella Ate My Daughter, by Peggy Orenstein.  Get excited for that because it was excellent book, and I have so much to say about it that it is turning into a huge project simply organizing my thoughts about it.  I feel like I am back in college writing a paper.  Anyone with a daughter-Heck, anyone with a kid or who has been a kid- I think you should read this book.  But more on that whenever I have the time to post my book review.

Last week while shopping for some kiddo stuff, I saw this little number in the infant section.  I haven't worked out the details in my mind, but I would rather my little swim naked than swim in this.  I think it has to do with naked being chalked up to her being a baby, but this swimsuit begin sexualization in infancy.  But how?  I need help identifying what it is that makes it so, but I truly believe naked would be more appropriate.  Please leave your ideas in the comments below.  Or if you feel like being more private about it, email me.

Here's another random:  I have noticed recently that it would seem I am more drawn to music from male musicians.  It's weird.  I noticed this because in trying to update my current listening enjoyment, I was trying to balance the female/ male contributions, but overwhelmingly, my musical taste leans towards male voices, with the exception of the Broadway genre.  In Broadway, I think I like female voices because then the range is good for me to rock out along with them.  I would be really interested in finding some statistics or readings on male versus female musicians.  Is this merely my taste in music or there a reason I lean towards male musicians?

While staying at my mom's over the holiday, Baby had the chance to play with both his toys and some of my childhood toys.  I have to admit, when I saw him playing with both his toy truck and my (now his) dollhouse, it warmed my heart and made me smile.  I've seen this meme going around in which a picture showing matchbox cars tucked into doll furniture is accompanied with the caption that this is what happens when you trying to disprove gender stereotypes.  To that I respond that trying to break gender stereotypes after a child has learned them is hard.  Starting from the get-go is another thing entirely.

Lastly, I have been debating whether or not to march in the Charleston Pride Parade this Saturday.  I really want to, but I'm sure there will be repercussions associated with it.  Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing?  I would really love ya'll's feedback this week!

Resisting the shame game

Let's talk about folkways and mores.  First off, I'm going to consult my handy dandy basic sociology text book (I like Michael Kimmel and Amy Aronson's Sociology Now, but that's probably because I love Michael Kimmel).

Folkways: relatively weak and informal norms that are the result of patterns of action, such as "manners"- infractions are noticed but seldom punished.

That's a more.... Yeah... couldn't resist

Mores: (mawr-eyz) informally enforced norms based on strong moral values, which are viewed as essential to the proper functioning of a group- but no law is enforcing them.  An example of this is a showing up to a job interview in pajamas and wet hair.  There's no law against it, but you're probably not going to get the job.

I think it is important to make these distinctions because one of my favorite anti-feminist arguments is "Show me where the law creates inequality."  While I believe that if I had a law degree I would be able to do just that, I do not, so I'll let that rest.  For now.  However, folkways and, even more importantly, mores are incredibly sexist.  

But that's not what I came here to talk to you about.  

I came to talk about how many mores are enforced in American culture with shame, and quite frankly, I've said it before and here I go again:

We need to cut that garbage out.  

boat dwellers

If it's one thing sociology has taught me it's that people go about their daily lives in very different manners.  There is usually not a better or worse, merely a difference in what makes people happy.  For example, how often do you think these boat dwelling people get asked when they want to settle down and get a home or how they won't be able to continue this life when they have children?  It's a shame mechanism.  They could just as easily turn the shame around and say, "Doesn't it bother you to be in so much debt with a mortgage, car payments, bills, and commitments that are so restraining?"  Shame goes 'round and 'round, and we need to cut that garbage out.  

Shaming other people is an act of trying to normalize or elevate another way of life (usually the shamer's preferred life).  The way I see it, no one else's happiness or choice of life style affects mine unless I allow it to, so why would I would shame anyone else?  Understanding this has been key to my letting go of what others want my life to be.

I see this a lot in child rearing, and in particular, breastfeeding.  It seems everyone has a very staunch position on breastfeeding one way or the other.  Parenting (and life) is about choices and making choices that work for you and your family.  What works for my family is breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and flexibility.  I stand by that, and I won't be shamed or corralled into schedules or early weening.  On the other hand, pro-breastfeed-ers need to understand that is not the best choice for many people.  I also believe that natural birth is the best choice for my family if it is an option.  Other women believe that planned Cesareans are the best for their family.  Word.  You do what you need to do.  That is your choice.  

One facet of feminism that I really like is the openness to knowledge.  I believe that everyone should have the opportunity to gain every piece of knowledge about their bodies and life and family so that they can make informed decisions for their life, including but not limited to birth options (birthing centers, hospitals, and homebirths) and breastfeeding (breastfeeding exclusively for as long as is beneficial, breastfeeding and formula, formula only).  Gather all the knowledge, and then be comfortable in your decision. Don't shame anyone else decision, and don't let anyone else shame yours!  

What's in a (Husband's) Name?

No witty introduction-  I am going straight to the heart of this post immediately.  My name is not Mrs. "Husband's name" McCuistion, so cut that garbage out.

I understand that at one time being a woman meant that I was to be given to my husband upon our marriage, but, folks, it's a new day and age.  I haven't been given to anyone because this life is still my own.

I struggled with the decision to change my last name when I got married.  In fact, I kept my maiden name for a couple of weeks after my marriage,  until I cracked under pressure to change it.  At church, no one would call me "Sister Wooten," even when I specifically corrected them.  I corrected one member of the bishopric three times, told him that I hadn't changed my name, but, alas, was stilled called "Sister McCuistion."  I buckled.  It didn't seem like that big of a deal.  Sure, I was giving up the name I had grown up with and identified with for the past twenty-two years, but that didn't mean a loss of identity, right?

And then, it came.
That's right, the first piece of mail that was formally addressed to me:  "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion"

What. The. Heck.

As explained to me by many when I expressed my dissatisfaction, I had no right to feel this way.  Addressing me as "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion" is proper etiquette.  It's polite.  It's simple manners.
Well.  I am still a human being with my own identity, and therefore my own name.
Secondly, I prefer Ms. over Mrs. and here's why:  Men don't have a special prefix indicating whether they are married or not  because it doesn't matter.  However, the world views very differently the married woman and the single.  I do not care to be known by name as being married because if it is pertinent enough to the situation, my marital status will can be disclosed upon request.

I am not throwing stones at individuals who have addressed me as "Mrs. Hubby McCuistion."  That would be silly since I can only assume that specific people are not doing it as a purposeful insult.  No, I do assume that each individual is doing only what feels right to her or him.  However, the practice as a society really irks me.

However, companies and people with whom I have professional dealings best recognize.
Today I came home, and, excitingly, found two different new adoption packets in the mail (I think it's public knowledge now that we are looking to adopt our next-  if it wasn't before, it is now).  I looked at each, and then...  There is was:  Mr. and Mrs. Hubby McCuistion.
Worth mentioning is that each of the packets I have applied for I have filled out MY information and only included my husband's name because the applications asked for the name of spouse.
Again,
What.  The.  Heck????

It is really unfortunate, but I sincerely wish more with every passing week that I had kept my maiden name.**  Hubby's opinion is that having one name unites us as a family.  I am not so sure.  I think what unites us is our commitment and our binding marriage contract (Oh, right, we're LDS, so and covenant).  I think names are merely a formality, particularly in adopted families.  When we adopt a child, I don't intend on changing the child's last name if they already have one (we are planning on adopting a toddler) because it's a part of who they are.

Becoming a family doesn't mean changing who you are, it mean's shaping who you will become with one another.



*I refer to my husband's first name as "Hubby" because while I don't mind disclosing who I am, perhaps he would prefer not to offer up that information.

**I am not suggesting that this is something for everyone as long as no one is saying changing one's name is something for everyone either.

Rebuttal to Rebecca Walker's Anti-Feminism

Rebecca Walker

A couple weeks ago, a friend sent me an article called How My Mother's Fanatical Views Tore Us Apart written by Alice Walker's (AW) daughter, Rebecca Walker (RW).  Within the first couple Lines, RW declares that she almost missed out on motherhood due to her mother, AW, being a "rabid feminist."  She states that "feminism has much to answer for denigrating and encouraging women to seek independence whatever the cost to their families."  She describes her mothers idiosyncratic rules about with what toys she was allowed to play and in what games she was allowed to partake.  She details the moments of her life when her mother left her to go around the world, including arranging birth control and her abortion.  She talks about how she "yearned for a traditional mother."  This is just my summary- I definitely encourage you to read it for yourself.

I am messy and a feminist, but it is not feminism which caused my mess.

Whoa.  RW seems to be extremely confused about the difference between being a feminist and being a derelict mother.  After reading this article three different times and in three different attitudes, I simply cannot connect the two from this article.  Feminism does not reject motherhood.  Some brands might now revere the stay-at-home-mom types, but most of the feminists I with which I come in contact think the role of Mom is an exceptional one.  The only restraint feminism puts on children is that one should have them on one's own time- not as dictated by a patriarchal government.  A blessing and an honor-  just maybe not in the bake cookies, sew clothing, change diapers all day route.  They believe in equal parenting.  After reading about RW's trials as a young woman, I think most will agree that her mother was not the ideal, but that is not a symptom of her feminism.

My feminism does not take
away from my love of being
a mom.  

I can speak on my personal journey with feminism, which, in my opinion, has led me to be a much better mom.  My feminism has taught me that Hubby and I can be equal in parenting-  my feminism has led me to Attachment Parenting, which is incredibly hands on.
As far as feminism encouraging women to gain independence regardless of the cost, I refer to a post I wrote a while back Dear Alice Paul, in which I describe the limits of not my feminism but my activism.  Each stage of life offers different measures.
Many anti-feminists wage war against the cause with accusations as such.  It doesn't make sense.  Feminism is not a person.  It is not a thing.  Feminism is not a bad or neglectful mother.   It is a movement, political and social in nature.  It takes shape by the many people who join in.

Attachment Parenting (Personal Progression- 8 months)

One thing I find to be useful in our chosen parenting strategy is to check in with Hubby quite often about the successes and struggles we are having, both individually and as a family.

Thus far our struggles are generally centered around sleep.  Baby sleeps when we sleep plus about two or three naps during the day.  He has, I am very glad to announce, stopped wanting to get up and play in the middle of the night.  However, he does continue to wake up frequently and need nursing or rocking back to sleep.  His sleep habits do seem to be ironing out by themselves but at a much slower pace than one might expect or hope.  I had a night this past week that I can only describe as difficult.  When four in the morning rolled around and Baby was still ready to play (this is not usual), I really wondered if I was doing the right thing. The very next day, I woke up and read this article:  http://fiercemamas.blogspot.com.au/2009/10/saving-my-baby.html.  I was immediately reminded about all the reasons I truly believe this to be the best fit for our family.  Until Baby is Toddler and able to communicate what he wants/ needs, I will absolutely answer every cry with attention, love, and any kind of comfort of which I can think.

   

We also bought bed rails.  Baby started getting the urge to Bungee jump from our bed without the Bungee cord, so we added some guardrails (something VERY advisable if you're co-sleeping).  I was happy to find that the bed rail would attach to an adult bed just as well as a toddler bed.  

Our successes are plentiful.  The one at the very forefront of my mind is how very advanced Baby is.  He took his first steps the day after he turned eight months, so that should debunked all of the "If you carry him everywhere he'll never learn to walk" comments.  Baby has yet to have stranger shyness and is generally very confident in everything he does.  I attribute this to the fact that he never feels scared or alone at this point in his life.  He is also very happy most of the time. 

Another success we have had is discipline.  Many people view Attachment Parenting as permissive, but I can assure you it is not.  In fact, Attachment Parenting encourages discipline from birth.  Yes, that's right, I said (Okay, I typed) discipline from birth.  Note that this is different from punishment.  Discipline is not synonymous with punishment.  Discipline is teaching behavior.  One method of Attachment Parenting is creating a "yes" environment.  This means that rather than chastising a child for getting into something she shouldn't, that something is not made available to her.  For example, in our home, we have a bird who throws empty seed shells out of her cage.  Rather than tell Baby, "No, no, no," we barricaded the area where the seeds fall.  By doing so, we eliminated a "no" and thus created a "yes."  

That's it for now.  I'll give more updates on the Attachment Parenting as the milestones come!

Attachment Parenting

You're probably thinking, Attachment Parenting?  What does that have to do with being a feminist?  
Answer:  The super involvement of both parents.  Parents have to really be on the same page and must offer one another complete support.

DISCLAIMER :: It is not my intention to say that this is the only way of feminist parenting but merely that this is one type of feminist parenting and in particular, the type we have chosen.  It is not for everybody.

Before Baby made his grand entrance into the world, I was told by many not to worry, that I had doctors and reading and, most importantly, my "mommy instinct" would guide me.  When life began again (Baby and my return to our home), I never felt the need to put him down.  Quite the opposite, really, I felt the need to be constantly holding him.  I have the privilege of being able to stay home, and most of our day was spent nursing on demand, co-sleeping, and napping on demand.  Although many were not shy about disagreeing with our parenting strategies, this is what felt right.  Or it did until so many loud opinions made us feel that our methods were destructive.  
I was chastised for this by many who said that nursing on demand would turn me into his pacifier.   I was advised that the best way to go about my day was scheduled.  Babies like schedules, I often heard or read, but it did not feel right to me.  I was criticized harshly for co-sleeping because of the dangerous risks.  I haven't heard the end of people advising me that "sometimes you have to let them cry."  My "mommy instinct" felt broken as society started telling me I was doing it all wrong.  As the pressure built, I started considering trying the more common approaches to parenting my child.  And then GOOGLE happened.

Enter Attachment Parenting.

I had never heard of Attachment Parenting before, and when I started reading, I couldn't get enough.  It was such a relief to read that I am not screwing up my child for life.  I am not a felon for loving a co-sleeping environment, and sleeping "through the night" will come at some point.  I felt a rush of energy as I poured over shared stories confirming my feeling that co-sleeping is wonderful, natural, and not dangerous (when done within guidelines).  Attachment Parenting is largely based on the baby rather than the clock or calendar.  Baby will let you know what Baby is ready for.  It is my opinion that often times society values independence over bonds, and to be quite frank, I am perfectly fine with my six month old not being absolutely independent.  My child may require more of my attention than another for a longer amount of time, but I'm a stay-at-home.  Baby is what I have time for!
Attachment parenting also focuses on bonding, breastfeeding, baby wearing, bed sharing, and boundary building.  The boundary building is based on age appropriate expectations;  For example, moving breakables out of a toddler's reach rather than punishing the toddler for the breakable's demise.   So far, Hubby and I are following this parenting style except for the baby wearing so much anymore because our six month old is over 22 pounds.

I am so very glad to have come across this because I was truly about to crack under the pressure to conform Baby.  Honestly, it feels so much more natural to concentrate on expressing love at this stage in Baby's life.  I am still doing much reading and do not pretend to know everything.  I would love to hear your questions and thoughts because then I can research and know the answers to them as well.  As I continue on with this approach, I will try to remember to share my victories and setbacks :)

A Bell Hooks Approach to Feminist Parenting

My son is four months old, but since that won't last forever, I have been researching how to raise a feminist child.  Some people will tell you that raising a feminist boy is different from raising a feminist girl.  I haven't made up my mind on the subject just yet.  This is the first of many posts that I will write giving varied perspectives of feminist parenting.  I do not necessarily hold the same opinions.  I am simply sharing what I find. 

One thing that did jump out at me in my reading for the evening was a piece on feminist parenting by Bell Hooks, a personal hero of mine.  She was describing how the physical discipline of children can influence their ideas of battered women.  This may seem like a stretch-  it seemed that way to me at first.  In her book Feminism is for Everybody: Passionate Politics, Bell Hooks writes,

I often tell the story of being at a fancy dinner party where a woman is describing the way she disciplines her young son by pinching him hard, clamping down on his little flesh for as long as it takes to control him.  And how everyone applauded her willingness to be a disciplinarian.  I shared the awareness that her behavior was abusive, that she was potentially planting the seed for this male child to grow up and be abusive to women.  Significantly, I told the audience of listeners that if we had heard a man telling us how he just clamps down on a woman's flesh, pinching her hard to control her behavior it would have been immediately acknowledge as abusive.  Yet when a child is being hurt this form of negative domination is condoned.  

 She goes on to say that children have no civil liberties and are often viewed as property of the parent.  This physical power that a parent can exert over a child translates into a person who can physically dominate another will/should do so to maintain control.  Honestly, the two were apples and oranges to me until reading this book, and perhaps they still are.  It's an interesting perspective.

Hubby and I were discussing this in the car.  He's my skeptic on all things that go against cultural inertia, so I like to get his opinion on such things.  He said he understood what Bell Hooks was saying, but it is a parent's job to teach a child how to behave whereas that is not the case of a spouse.

I would have to say my current thoughts are that discipline is a not multiple choice where all answers are mutually exclusive, but rather a continuum where generally the parent knows the child best.  I was a recipient of the occassional spanking and I will absolutely, 100% not stand for violence against women. 

But then I look again, and maybe there is something to what Bell Hooks has to offer....

How does this sit with you?

**On a side note, this is not to say that either of us agree with the idea of using physical punishment to correct behavior but rather for argument's sake.  We have yet to get to a place in our parenting where discipline plays a role at all, but we had discussed the need for a pop on the bum to get a clear understanding to a child who isn't listening and the consequence could be dangerous (such as touching a hot stove).  However, I will not assume a position on that or presume anyone else has it right or wrong until I have hit that place in my parenting. **