Gendered Toys made easy

Achievable

This is not my family dynamic.
Picture taken from mormonnewsroom

If I close my eyes and envision my family and self, I would see a well put together family sitting in a church pew ten minutes before the meeting starts.  Our bellies are full of a homemade from scratch breakfast, and we're the perfect example of conscientious, faithful church-going, earth and health conscious people.  Then I would open open my eyes and see my real family.  My real family probably still has banana and cheerios lurking about their faces.  One or more of us may be half or fully asleep, and we are generally still preparing for church whenever Sacrament Meeting begins.  This past winter, I actually kept Toddler in Pajamas to conserve time, warmth, and sleep until we got to church where I would change him into appropriate clothing.

Yeah, that's definitely more our speed.
Picture taken from crazyfamilypicture

Being a SAHM gives me a lot of room to think about how to improve myself, my life, and the life of my family.  I have so many goals.  So many things I want to be and accomplish.  So much so that anything I do in the way of working towards this person I see myself becoming seems... inadequate?  minuscule?  Well, simply not enough anyway.  I often identify my efforts as whims because even when I believe in something hardcore, fully committing seems so out of reach.

Picture taken
from cognitivedissonance

In psychology we discussed the concept of cognitive dissonance, which says that we want to keep all of our attitudes and beliefs in harmony.  Whenever they are not in harmony, we changes our opinions to create harmony.  I would like to extend this idea to our actions.  I think we cannot possibly act on behalf of all the causes we find worthwhile so we change our opinions so that we are not uncomfortable with our lack of action.  Or in the words of my psychology professor, we can only have so many priorities.

A friend and I were talking about the idea of perfection one day a few years back.  He said that in his religion, he did not believe that we were capable of being perfect ever.  He, therefore, did not understand why anyone would stress themselves out trying so hard to be just that.  I told him that I do believe that we can become perfect in the life after this one.  However, it is my belief, and the belief of my religion, that perfection is a concept we must work towards in both this life and the next to become like God.

Picture taken
from impossible

That is why my life takes a different approach.  I embrace my cognitive dissonance.  I can't outrun it or even change my opinions enough to incorporate all I believe.  I am choosing all of my causes.  It's completely overwhelming, and it quite possibly means that I will never be great at any one thing.  Most days end with me having contributed little to nothing to each cause-  sometimes (most times) it can be quite discouraging.  However, sometimes I have a day when it all comes together.  Sometimes it all makes sense.  Yesterday was one of those.  All the little changes I've made in the last year came together, and I caught a glimpse of the person I want to be.  Never quit setting goals, even when they seem impossible.  

Back Pocket and Some Fun Music

I have been hoarding cool memes and quotes that I like for a while, so this is going to be my meme dump.  Interestingly, you should check out what the term "meme" meant before internet pictures with smart alec words scrolled across it.  Yeah, check our meme theory.

I love this quote because I honestly do see it becoming more and more acceptable for girls and women to be who they are.  Women and girls are rocking solid in their progression towards social equality, but men and boys are constantly ridiculed against activities that may be seen in any way as feminine.  Being a man in today's society is less about what you are and more about what you aren't:  Female.  I am still waiting for someone (ANYONE) to tell me some qualities they find to me innately feminine that aren't physiological.  I am looking purely for behavior and feelings having to do with their femaleness.

After sitting through most of the Super Bowl commercials and all of the halftime show, I do understand why it is such a big deal to nurse in public.  Clearly we have some wires crossed. I show less cleavage when nursing and many a weekday sitcom in normal clothing, particularly when I am out and about and being discreet.






And now, some good music to leave this post feeling happy.  : )

Weird Connotation

The Language of Debate

I saw this meme posted on Facebook a few days ago and it made me angry and hurt.  

STOP:  This post is not in any way, shape, or form to argue about the money aspect of this issue.  This post is NOT about to talk about whether birth control should be free or not.  

The part about this meme that gets to me is the "or" part: "Or you're a party favor."

I agree that this is a topic worth discussing.  People have strong, contrasting, and albeit, valid arguments on both sides of table.  However, people need to construct arguments that are based on the issue rather than name calling.

These are the type of comments that were left on this Facebook meme (yes, I realize I left their full names out there.  Facebook is a public place, so I don't feel bad associating their names with their opinions on the internet).

Nancy Landeros Get your johns to pay for this service. I dont hear prostitutes asking for us to pay for their party toys

Caro Verdugo as a typical dem, she is way too unattractive for anyone to spend money on her

Charles Nungester A busy hooker wouldn't need that much

Ryan Davis Sandra, contraceptives won't fix being ugly ya know?

Candy L. Wiersema Actually, Rush was wrong on this one. A slut does anyone for free, a whore wants to get paid. So, I submit, she's a whore

You can see a full list of the comments here as there are too many to list and some that are simply too vulgar.

The flip side of this is that men in political debates are seldom (I know it happens, but far less than to women) attacked like this.  If a man makes a statement with which people disagree, no one says, "Yeah?  Well he's ugly!"  or "He's a -insert male version of whore here."  News flash:  a person's looks and sexual activity are irrelevant in an argument.  Perhaps a focus on the issue at hand would be more useful.

Oh wait, there is no male version of the word whore.  You may be thinking about the word "gigolo," so let me ask you, when was the last time you heard someone actually use that word as an insult?  Let's play a game.  Make a list of all the insults you can call a woman.  I'll keep it clean  on here because this is, after all, read by lots of LDS members- and my in-laws who are probably horrified already at the language I have allowed on this blog (Sorry, ya'll).   Now make a list of insults you can call a man.  Compare and contrast.

Chances are you have a ton more of the female list.  Chances are the majority on the list for men challenge their sexuality by suggesting some kind of female quality to them. I have written them out several times here, but I can't bring myself to actually publish them.  If you have questions privately, feel free to email me.

But let's go back to the insults about Sandra Fluke.  These are not teenagers making these comments, spewing these names.  These are grown adults-  shouldn't they know better how to make an intelligent and concise argument?  One would think, but evidence shows otherwise.  It makes me think of a playground situation where two kids are fighting about the ownership of a toy, when one of them stands up and says, "Well, you're ugly!"
Grow up and cut that garbage out.  It didn't solve anything then, and it doesn't solve anything now.

Snarky Modesty Comic...

... to go along with my modesty post

Given to me by Alexandra Holbrook-  Thanks!

Modest is Hottest, and, If You're Not Modest, Get Ready For Wrath, You Hussie

When I began the process of becoming a Mormon, one of my first activities was to go through all of my clothing and evaluate it's appropriateness with questions like these:

1. Does is have sleeves?
2. Can any cleavage be seen?
3. Does it show my stomach at all?
4. If I lift my arms, will any skin show?
5. Does it fall below my knees?

I was really gungho about it at the time, convinced anything other than complete coverage was completely inappropriate.  After about three months of this, I tried on one of my old skirts that came three inches above my thigh-  I felt naked.  However, I did not feel naked because what I was wearing was an atrocity;  I felt naked because I had convinced and practiced myself into that mentality.  

I saw this on Facebook today, and I got fired up a bit.  Of course this calls for a dissection.

1. Please address me as something besides a girl.  I am not a prepubescent child.  Someone somewhere will rebut this saying this is addressed to young females.  I respond to that by saying that "Men" need not be giving attention to "girls."
2. This was posted by a Facebook group called "Mormons," so I can only conclude it is church members spreading this.  Dressing differently than dictated in the For Strength of Youth does not mean that a person is dirty, slutty, or anything else.  Certainly not that they have been rolling in manure.
3. The attention one receives when dressing without consulting LDS standards is pretty much the same.  Take it from someone who knows.  More on this later. 

The idea that one is either modest or immodest reinforces the Virgin/Whore Dichotomy in which one can be either the purest of pure or a whore.  This dichotomy is deprecating to women because it leaves out options of moderation and normalcy while instilling fear that once a line is crossed, there is no return.  Think Britney Spears.  Long, long ago, in a high school far away, Britney Spears started as the good girl next door.  Her resume included the Mickey Mouse Club and other Disney related fame.  However, the moment she took one step off the purity train there was nowhere to go except to get racier and racier because American pop culture only desires the Madonna figure or the stripper.  My point is this: Not wearing sleeves doesn't make you immodest.  

This is a picture of me (gasp!) the summer
after I turned 19. When I see this picture,
 I don't think modest or not, I simply
see a picture from a great week. 

One day while shopping with my MIL, she commented that I had probably dressed modestly before I converted.  "Nope!" was the only answer I provided.  The truth of the matter is, I did not wear sleeves.  Or cover my mid drift.  Or wear skirts down to my knees.  The men I attracted were pretty much the same:  a lot of guys that I had no interest in dating and a couple I was.  Ladies, I'm going to let you in on a little secret:  Straight men are attracted to women.  Here's another gem:  The type of man you attract is more about your actions than your outfit. 

I am against the idea that men can't control themselves or their thoughts when a woman dresses a certain way.  I'll tell you this, if that were the case, Mormons would never go swimming.  How is it that men can keep their hands off me in a bathing suit at the beach, but walking around the mall, a tank top is their self control evaporates?  Genuinely, I do not understand.  

Finally, I'd like put in a complaint about the general need people feel to police others.  The meme in the beginning is a prime example of (slut)shaming others into dressing the way another believes they should dress.  And this starts at the primary age**!  When children are taught that it is imperative to dress a certain way or they are bad, they learn to call others out on their dress.  Children need to be taught to police themselves based on their specific beliefs, and not to push that on others (whether within or without their religious establishment).  We teach children judgment.  In the words of Shawn Mullins (one of my favorites),

We're born to shimmer, we're born to shine, we're born to radiate.

  We born to live, we're born to love, we're born to never hate.  

And yet, it is practices like policing others where we begin to teach children to judge and hate.  Appropriateness is different depending on where where one is or the culture.  To think that one culture is the be all end all is incredibly arrogant.  

Now, before I get a thousand hate comments (feel free to leave them anyway, but read this paragraph first).  I think there is value in dressing appropriately for the situation.  I think there is value in teaching modest dress to children.  The problem I have is when we attach a person's worth to how they dress.    Rather than teach children that they are good when they cover up, perhaps we should teach them the principles that will help them learn respect for their bodies. 

And quit shoving your beliefs (whether LDS or not, whether high coverage or low coverage) on other people.

**To readers who belong to my home ward-  I am not talking specifically about our primary (I have the utmost respect for our Primary President).  My comments are based on an amalgamation of experiences in many wards, parental teachings, and group discussions.

The Difference Between God's Sons and Daughters

This was shown to me by my friend, Miri- check her out at her blog here. 

Before reading the rest of this post, compare the two for yourself.  What are your impressions?  

Let's examine the differences.

1. "Unlimited" vs "Amazing" potential:  "Amazing" is, well, amazing.  It's a great word and description- inspiring even.  However, it's not "unlimited."  This a great example of why it is hard to see inequalities sometimes.  Sexism is not an isolated incidence.   It is not this one thing this one time at this one place.  Sexism is a mentality, it's a force, it's an ideology.  It cannot, therefore, be viewed without the three-dimensional lens of comparison.  
2. "Amazing" vs  "Beautiful":  Argue if you will, but beautiful in my opinion is a much more passive word.  Upon looking "beautiful" up in the dictionary, the only definition I found that doesn't refer to appearances is this:  very pleasing or satisfying.  That definition insinuates that "beautiful" is determined by an external source, or in other words, someone outside of this girl has to decide that she is beautiful.  Descriptions like pleasing and satisfying cannot be attained without another person to which one can be pleasing and satisfying.  Being beautiful is passive and dependent.  Not that beautiful is a bad thing in and of itself, but when compared with "I am amazing," beautiful, it seems, is pretty flimsy.

What are your thoughts on the two?

If it were a lady....

"Mugging"

*For those who have seen this before, I deleted the last two lines in order to clean it up.  I don't mind a swear here and there, but with such a varied audience, I cannot in good conscience post an F bomb on the blog.  

Debunk the Funk / 3. All Feminists are the Same

You might be a radical if...

This is a fun post (particularly after the comments on the the last post).  There are many, many, many, many types of feminists out there with the only solidifying factor being that we all believe equality should be more salient than sex or gender (sex being one's anatomy, gender being one's actions and identity).  There are so many types with one or two differences that there is hardly even space (or attention span) to type or read them all.  However, according to sociologists, most types of feminism fit into one of three categories:  Liberal, Radical, and Global (or multicultural).

Liberal feminism focuses on reform, both social and legal- basically a fix it attitude.
Radicals, on the other hand, more or less feel that the only way to achieve equality is to start fresh sans patriarchy as a whole.  This includes all institutions that are modeled after a patriarchy including but not limited to government, religion, and schooling.
Global focuses on the interaction of age, race, class, etc and gender.  I think this category is exemplified by an experience of Michael Kimmel (awesome, awesome, awesome sociologist and friend of feminists everywhere).

Michael Kimmel, author of
The Guy's Guide to Feminism

A white woman and a black woman were discussing whether all women were, by definition, "Sisters," because they all had essentially the same experiences and because all women faced a common oppression by men. The white woman asserted that the fact that they were both women bonded them, in spite of racial differences. The black woman disagreed.
"When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, what do you see?" she asked.
"I see a woman," replied the white woman.
"That's precisely the problem," responded the black woman. "I see a black woman. To me, race is visible every day, because race is how I am not privileged in our culture. Race is invisible to you, because it's how you are privileged. It's why there will always be differences in our experience."


That story in and of itself shows just how diverse feminists can be simply because of other life factors.  However,  even more than these separate categories, here are some other factors that vary from feminist to feminist:

1. Pro Life or Pro Choice.  Don't be fooled- some feminists would have you believe that in order to be a TRUE feminist you must be Pro Choice, but that is simply NOT the case.
2. Some feminists believe that men and women are actually incredibly different by nature, meant for different roles in life, yet are of equal importance.
3. Some feminist are loud, noisy activists.  Some are quiet, subtle activists.  I tried subtle for a while.  Apparently not my strong suit.  
4. Some feminists are angry.  Some are hopeful.  Some are both.
5. Some feminists are conservatives, some are liberals.  
6. Some feminists are religious, some are not.
7. Some are young, some are old.
8. Some are men!
9. Some oppose gay marriage, some do not.
10. Some don't realize they are feminists.

Being a feminist has one requirement:  believing in equality regardless of gender.  Everything else is an individual quality of a particular feminist.  What makes you unique?

Debunk the funk / Feminists are Ugly

Have the words "I'm not a feminist, but..." ever come out of your mouth or out of the mouth of someone you know?  I find that often times the reason for this qualification before delivering a feminist sentiment is because of the fear of becoming associated with the unsavory feminist stereotypes.
In order to show that the feminist Kool-Aid doesn't turn you ugly or into a lesbian or even into a man-hater,   I've decided that over this week I am going to debunk some feminist stereotypes.  It's going to be loads of fun as we sort through this garbage together.  And go ahead, throw me your stereotypes!

1.  Feminists are ugly

Hardly.  Although some would have you believe that all feminists are unshaven, fat, and simply ugly, I assure you, standing up for equality and women's rights does not mean you will suddenly become unfortunate looking.  Where does this stereotype come from?  It is the opinion of some that this stereotype is one used to discredit feminists by using something very personal rather than actual facts.  It is an oppressive statement.  It causes fear in people who want to be attractive, and doesn't everyone to some extent?  

It is my thought that this stereotype also stems from feminists recognizing and bringing attention to the difference between the "beauty" presented by the media and true beauty.  Feminists do not subscribe to the idea that only one type of body or one shade of skin or eye color or face shape is beautiful.  Feminists do not believe in photo-shopping the human quality out of photos.  The media not only wants you to believe that people actually look like that, but if you don't, you are doing something wrong and should be ashamed.  Don't be fooled.  No one looks like that.  And that doesn't make you ugly.  

At any rate, here are some examples.  Hopefully you soon see that there are quite a few hotties who classify themselves as feminists.  

Oh, Rush.

Just a little Rush Limbaugh retort to start the week off right.  

Because he could do it for anyone....

..but then again, maybe I would have anyway.

AP Comic