Why I Can't Retire My Feminism

I'll be honest, I thought I was finished with the blog. I left the door open again and again but I don't think I ever really thought I would come back to it. I got weary of explaining why we are in fact still desperately in need of feminism just to have accusations fly that I look for trouble or enjoy being different or radical.  It's exhausting.  It is easier to raise children in every day life to appreciate equality than to put oneself out there for all opinions to find.

However.

Friends, my heart is heavy. No, I am not going to discuss the election. That friends, would serve no purpose right now.  All I can hope is that we are all doing our best and leave it right there.  No, friends, my heart is heavy at the sexist (and racist) pride that has been unearthed this election cycle. It does not surprise me that there is a sexist man running for president. What shocks me is how much this experience has normalized sexism. Explanations that confessing to a sexual assault can be chalked up to "locker room talk" ...   I'm truly speechless. To further understand why "locker room talk" is 100% unacceptable, check out another post from 2014, On Virtue and Sexual Harrassment.

Today, I want to shut down my internet.  I am overloaded with microagressions to full-out, head exploding sexism and, believe you me, everything in between.  It hurts my head.

Dear Google and Facebook (and anyone else listening in),

1.  I do not care what men think about me based on how much makeup I am wearing.

If you are wearing this dress,
we need to become friends
immediately.

2.  I do not care how many men want to date me based on the fact that I don't eat animals.
3.  I do not care if another gal is wearing leggings that show her "bum-bum."  Frankly, I don't care what other gals are wearing at all.  Unless it is this dress ---------->
4.  Please stop telling me that if I, as a mother, am not spending enough time with my kids, I will become a regretful, sad old woman, but if I spend too much time with my children I will create monsters who are incapable of fitting in with society.  Being a female parent does not give me superhuman abilities to wade through this BS without becoming incredibly anxious.*
5.  Please stop advertising weight loss products to me. Seriously.  Health and weight loss, while sometimes coinciding are not the same thing.

I could go on. My point, however, can be made in just one more thought.

Trump did not create this sexism-filled environment; he is merely the product of it who somehow got a hold of a megaphone.


*On a side note, there is no perfect parenting. There is good and bad to come out of even the best methods, so I support you doing what works for you.  

On Virtue and Sexual Harassment

**  Warning:  Candid material of a sexual nature **
May include triggers for anxiety and sexual abuse
Also, I understand this is not only a female issue, but this blog is aimed at women

Since joining the church I have often heard this catchy little phrase:  Virtue attracts virtue.  While I understand the goal of this seemingly constructive phrase, it carries the same problem the analogy of the frog and boiling water, being that it simply is not true.  I think it comes from a talk given by a General Authority in which it was stated that a virtuous person will seek a virtuous mate, but it has spread like wildfire through our individual stakes to be "virtue attracts virtue."  I find it a rather dangerous premise to teach young girls.

The first time I can remember having a first hand experience with not attracting virtue was in elementary school.  I was swimming at the apartment pool where my dad lived when a neighbor exposed his penis to me.  I looked at his penis.  I looked at his face.  He smiled, looked at his penis, and then looked back at me.  I think I might have been nine years old.  I didn't tell anyone immediately because I did not understand that stuff like that happens- that there are people who get off on that.  I convinced myself that maybe I was confused or what actually happened did not actually happen.  That same week, the guy gave my dad a train whistle for me to have.

When I was in middle school, I began volunteering to fill a gifted and talented program requirement of community  service.  I did 40 hours of community service at a local park where I got to know a few people really well. I loved it so much that I continued to volunteer after the requirement was fulfilled.  I bonded with other volunteers and hung out with my supervisor doing all kinds of odd jobs around the park.  My supervisor was this not quite my parents age, laid back guy who was always very candid with us (me and two other volunteers).  He was fun to be around, even if his occasional comments about my developing twelve-year-old body took me by surprise.  Two years after I began volunteering there, I was told my supervisor went to jail for drawing and creating child pornography of two of the volunteers there. All these years later, he is out and lives about fifteen minutes from me.

By the time I reached high school, I knew what inappropriate was, and yet I still had a hard time drawing a line between what was real and what my mind was fabricating.  My sophomore year I had a teacher who made time often to be alone with me.   He never crossed the line, so I wondered if his flirtations were in my head.  It wasn't until he had his hands in the front pocket of my hoodie and giving me hugs that were way too long and uncomfortable that I realized this was not normal or okay.  He moved schools and I never saw him again.

By my senior year, I decided that men in authority were not to be trusted.  Some may be trustworthy, but how can you tell when clearly the ones who weren't knew how to blend in?  So when my computer teacher started making lewd comments about my body, I told him to shut his mouth or I would get him fired.  Three years later, he drove his car into a tree after being accused of similar acts by a couple other girls at that school.

Just sitting here I have thought of half a dozen more stories like this, but I'll finish with a recent one.

A few weeks ago, while waiting in the car with my two-year-old for a friend, another car pulled up beside me.  I got the feel something was odd by the way this young guy pulled up and did not go anywhere.  He simply made eye contact for a moment, and then I went back to talking to the kiddo.  It was about five or ten minutes later, when I looked up at him still in his car and realized his penis was completely exposed and he was masturbating, while watching me and my child.  I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.  I was also five and a half months pregnant.  This time, I called the police and reported his plate number and vehicle description.

Clearly, my reaction to sexual harassment evolved over time.  If I had been the me I am today, those situations may have ended differently.  So why am I revealing all of this now?  What purpose does it serve to air this out in a setting so public as the internet?

To let you know this stuff happens every single day.
Not just to girls and women who invite it.
Not just to those who wear tank tops.
Not just to those who were drunk at that party.
Not just to those who are popular.
Not just to those who have perfect bodies.
This stuff happens to women and girls all the time.  Having to deal with stuff like this is a reality of being a woman.

I consider myself to be a virtuous woman (having or showing high moral standards as defined by Google), or at least striving to be a virtuous woman.  I take steps to live a clean and moral life, particularly free from sexual temptation. So why then are men who are clearly not on a virtuous path attracted to me?  The honest answer is that I have absolutely no idea, but it has nothing to do with my virtue.  How can a nine year old swimming in apartment pool be unvirtuous?  Furthermore, children in particular will internalize this.  If I am on the receiving end of this harassment, clearly it's my fault.  I must not be virtuous enough.  No, no, no.  This is wrong.

Noteworthy is that when writing about this experience I was tempted to use words like immorality, licentious, or some other synonym that would take the place of the word sexual or try to use other words besides penis and masturbate.  I wonder why that is.  Possibly because virtue is not limited to cleanliness of a sexual nature in my mind.  Or maybe because at this point in my church membership I have started shying away from candid speech.  I really hope it is not the latter.  Candid speech on particular topics (including this one) is really necessary.  In fact, I would say that not understanding sexuality is just as dangerous as becoming too familiar too soon.  If a gal does not know the dangerous possibilities, she will not know how to prepare herself.  Virtue is definitely worth striving for, and I do believe virtue will protect you spiritually.  However, being virtuous does not mean that you are not a target for scuzzy people.   Virtue will not protect you physically.  You have to protect you physically.  Let us not confuse virtue with naivete.

As we are preparing for our baby girl, I ask the husband what his thoughts were on how to make sure our daughter could protect herself against such aforementioned predicaments or to help her handle them.  His eyes went kind of wide and he shook his head, saying that he had never really thought about it;  that the idea that women had to deal with this kind of thing made him really angry.

I am suggesting that we maintain and even work to increase our virtue while educating ourselves, one another, and our children on the realities of being women and the precautions we need to take.  The first steps are identifying how to empower ourselves, our children, and one another.

1. Start early with appropriate education.  Do not give vague, inaccurate names to your children's anatomy.  Teach your children to use proper words like penis and vagina.  Teach them not to be ashamed to use proper anatomical terms.  This will cut the embarrassment of 1) asking questions and 2) reporting wrong doing on the part of anyone in their lives.  
2. As soon as your daughters start going out by themselves, get them some pepper spray.  I once had a classmate interview a campus police officer on film where he advised all the women on campus against pepper spray.  He said that pepper spray would simply inflame the confrontation further, and that what he really recommended was a rape whistle.  Ladies, when a man is coming after you, go for the pepper spray over the rape whistle 100% of the time. Police do not appear out of thin air when a whistle is blown.  However, your attacker's eyes will immediately begin to burn if you hit them point blank with pepper spray, thus allowing you time to escape.  I suggest Guardian Self Defense products because of their handiness and low cost.  
3. Teach your child to trust her own instincts.  If something feels wrong or felt wrong, even if she cannot put her finger on it exactly, get out of the situation.  Teach her to be confident in her decision to do so, and help her understand that she does not have to justify getting out of a situation to anyone if it makes her uncomfortable.  Teach her to set aside her manners and being polite if she feels threatened.  Something predators feed on is that we teach girls from a very young age to be pleasing and polite.  That's got to go.  I love manners, but being abrupt, direct, and curt has its place, too.  
4. Help her to understand proper boundaries.  What is an appropriate neighborly relationship?  How about a familial relationship?  What about your teachers, coaches, boss?  What is the importance of boundaries in these relationships?  Let's stop making inappropriate power dynamics sexy.  Make it an open discussion, one that is not had merely once.
5. Believe her.  Whether it's your friend, sister, daughter, or whoever.  If she says something is not right or something happened, believe her.  Opening up about something like this is hard.  I remember not reporting the situation with the sophomore teacher because I thought if I said anything over something that may have been all in my head, I could ruin his life or I would be in trouble.  It felt like once opened, the situation would never go away.  Telling someone would make it real, so I kept it to myself until years later.
6. Enroll your kids in a self defense class of some sort, be it karate, krav maga, whatever.  These classes boost confidence (something that predators target less) and promote being able to take someone down should they come after you.  
7. Identify with your daughter appropriate responses and reactions in varying degrees to sexual harassment.  Maybe it is enough to leave the room.  Maybe you need to inform a parent.  Maybe you should call the cops.  While all these conversations may seem daunting, the more you have them, the more natural they will become.  Awkward goes away.  
8. Recognize that trends in fashion may promote attacks- and no, I am not talking about mini skirts and tank tops.  I am talking about high heels, ponytails, big jewelry, tight clothing.  All of these things either restrict one's ability to run or they are easy to grab and restrain a person.  When I worked until all hours of the night in the city, I would pack an extra pair of shoes and would remove my jewelry before leaving the building.  
9. Have a Tell Someone policy.  For example, if someone makes you uncomfortable by showing, talking, touching, etc., tell Mama and/ or Daddy.  If Mama makes you uncomfortable, tell Daddy.  If Daddy makes you uncomfortable, tell Mama.  Tell Someone.  

Am I suggesting you should have to do all these things?  No.  I am saying that is the reality of our world currently.  I am saying that to give our daughters the best chance of nipping this kind of garbage in the bud is to educate them on how to prepare themselves rather than feeding them the idea that if they are virtuous, shady characters will not be drawn to them.  

What is Rape?

I think it goes without saying how I feel about Todd Akin and his remarks on rape and pregnancy.  However, if it doesn't, he's a total moron-  He should be given a class in sexual reproduction and rape awareness.  Clearly if a man of Todd Akin's age and status is so confused about the female reproductive system, comprehensive sex education should be in schools.  That is that.  Regardless of my personal beliefs, I don't get in to uproars about abortion issues because, call me naive, but I do not foresee access to abortion being overturned any time soon.  I just don't.  So why even bring it up then?  Because the tangential issue being discussed here is rape.  And I have VERY large and outspoken opinions about rape.

It seems to be a trend among republican candidates to define (or redefine*, as the case may be) rape as the gruesome, at knife point, stranger rape event that one usually sees on Law and Order SVU.  They show (cough.feign.cough) sympathy for the victims of such occurrences (usually termed "forcible rape").  When Todd Akin referred to this type of rape as "legitimate rape," he implied that any rape not fitting that particular description is not actually rape, this not deserving of the sympathy.  People are blithely unaware of what rape actually is and how often it occurs. According to Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN):

Rape is forced sexual intercourse including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration.   Penetration may be by a  body part or an object.

 Therefore, I made a list I believe everyone should read and know.  I encourage you to put your additions to the lists in the comments- for this specific sensitive topic I will allow anonymous comments so long as they are pertinent and not hostile.

Is it Rape (Yes, I realize the set up of this list is rather redundant, but for the sake of clarity, deal with it)?

1. If one party is not old enough to consent (this varies by state), it is rape.
2. If one party does not have the capacity to consent, it is rape.  Being without the capacity to consent includes but is not limited to:
• being drunk
• being intoxicated by drugs (prescribed or not)
• being asleep
• having a disability that interferes with mental capacity
3. If one party says no before the act, it is rape.
4. If one party says no or stop during the act and the act continues, it is rape.  
5. If one of the previous conditions has occurred but the victim is married to the assailant, it is rape.  
6. If one of the previous conditions has occurred but the victim is not female, it is rape.
7. If one of the previous conditions has occurred but the assailant is not male, it is rape.  
8. If one of the previous conditions has occured but the victim knows the assaulting person, it is STILL rape.  

Again, please feel free to list your own, "what is rape" statements in the comments.  The next installment will be more focused on the statistics of who is being sexually assaulted, who is doing the sexual assaulting, and the effects.  Stay tuned.

*I've heard of bills to redefine rape being introduced.  By men.  Seriously?  It boggles my mind that men feel so entitled to make decisions and create definitions surrounding issues in which the affected population is largely female.  I saw this quote by President Obama earlier this week:  "We shouldn't have a bunch of politicians, a majority of whom are men, making healthcare decisions on behalf of women."  

Book Review: The Gospel According to Twilight

**Fair Warning:  if you haven't read Twilight, this post contains SPOILERS about the entire saga and Ellen A. Heath's book.  

The Gospel According to Twilight: Women, Sex, and God by Elaine A. Heath

I read this book because, ashamedly, I really enjoyed reading Twilight.  I know.  I am a terrible feminist.  I have also seen all the movies, and again, I am ashamed to admit, I own them.  It's so very entertaining.  Would I rather my daughter grow up emulating Hermoine Granger than Bella Swan?  100 times yes, absolutely. I read one mom say she would allow her daughter to read Twilight only under the condition that she would write a paper after each book explaining the problems with each character and story line.  And yet.....  However, I'll save my Twilight apology for another day.  Or how about I never, ever bring up Twilight again on this blog?  Agreed?  Agreed.

So what did I read about?  The basic gist is Twilight is not very good news for girls, and yet, it is so relate-able because Bella is the epitome of what the media tells girls they are.

From page 38:

"The feelings of self-doubt, shame, and inadequacy come from being indoctrinated with the message that we are not beautiful enough, graceful enough, thin enough, curvy enough, talented enough, athletic enough, rich enough, or sexy enough to actually count.  We girls and women are given a thousand messages a day from television, movies, magazines, and the Web that we are deficient.  Our thighs are too big, our teeth too yellow, our hair too thin, our eyelashes too pale.  Bella is all that.  No wonder so many readers love to hate Bella.  She is us when we are enslaved to the lie.  She is the socially constructed false self that we hate but from which we find it hard to escape."

Another theme that Heath looks into is violence made normal in this love story.  Almost every female character in the Twilight saga experiences some kind of violence by the hands of a man or men, but let's focus on the (so-called) heroine of the story Bella.  The saga would be much less problematic if Edward's and Jacob's violent tendencies were not constantly justified by their "love" for Bella.  Heath discusses characteristics of Edward that are Red Flags for anyone familiar with domestic violence*.  First off, he is controlling as all get out (is "all get out" a southern expression?).  He demands to know where Bella is and who she is with;  he even uses Alice when he can't read Bella's mind.  He stalks Bella by sneaking into her room and watching her sleep.  Heath links the justification of these qualities with the justification of domestic violence:  He just loves her so much.  He wants to protect her.  He can't control himself because he loves her.  "[A]busive men," explains Heath, "use manipulation, 'reasonable' explanations, and other maneuvers...to keep their victims confused and under obligation to forgive and endure unacceptable behavior." 

 Elaine A. Heath's book analyzes Twilight under the microscope of women, sex, and God.  I will admit to skimming over the God section because if it is one thing that annoys me as much as Mormons preaching culture as doctrine, it's a non-Mormon teaching me about Mormon doctrine.  Heath pulls a lot of Let me explain LDS theology in her book, and I just don't dig it.  Other people might, I just find more often than not, when a person analyzes a religion they haven't studied in depth, she tends to get it wrong.  As a whole, I wasn't super impressed with this book.  It was very basic without enough analytical depth for my taste.  Two stars out of five...maybe? 

*When I use the term "domestic violence," I am referring to violence that occurs within an intimate relationship, whether it be spouses or paramours.  

"Mugging"

*For those who have seen this before, I deleted the last two lines in order to clean it up.  I don't mind a swear here and there, but with such a varied audience, I cannot in good conscience post an F bomb on the blog.  

This week's episode of Male Privilege

One thing that has really molded my feminist view in the past few months is the question "What rights are women lacking?"  usually followed by (sometimes sarcastically, sometimes sincerely) "I don't know of any legal rights that men have that women do not."  Although I do believe that if we pick apart marital laws that we would find incredible sexism, that is not my focus when a person poses this type of question.  My answer is to refer to the concept of Male Privilege.  This is an elusive concept because it is not the privilege but rather the lack there of that is so blaring.

This week's trip to the market was a big trip.  Being away from home last week means we tried to empty the cupboards the week before, so we needed a lot-  pretty much a trip down every isle.  Between pickles and pastas, I looked up and noticed three men, particularly one that was staring at me.  I can dismiss this because, whatever, staring happens.  While creepy as it might be, long looks occasionally happen, usually followed by an embarrassed look from being caught.  

Most people are familiar with the concept of fight or flight, but I would like to introduce a new concept that I think every southern girl or lady can confirm:  fight, flight, or polite.  I use this to refer to the practice of teaching females from a very young age that it is best to be pleasing and polite and kind in all situations.  Even though I have seen all sorts of screwed up situations, my gut reaction when faced with something uncomfortable or creepy is to be polite.  

Therefore, as I caught this man staring, I smiled and said a hello as I quickly went to the next aisle (I also made a mental note to come back and pick up pasta because in my desire to leave this weird situation, I left the pasta on my grocery list behind).  I continued on with my shopping.  That is, until a few aisles later.  That's when I noticed the same staring man was staring at me again.  Only this time I decided to take a closer look.  Said man had no shopping cart.  Said man had no hand basket.  Said man had no groceries, only a creepy expression as he watched me.  Said man is now dubbed The Creeper.  Judge me if you must.  

My next step was to text someone my whereabouts and the situation just in case.  I carried on with my shopping.  I had a lot to do, so chances were these three men would leave before me anyhow.  An hour later, these men were still in the store with no groceries, magically appearing on  the aisles I was on.  At this point, I knew I was being followed.  My mind jumped forward to the point at which I would need to get my groceries from the store and into my car.  It was already after dark.  I decided that I would simply ask for an employee to help me out to my car with my groceries.  I got into a check-out line, and the men, purchasing a bottle of Gatorade and some other small purchases, got into the next line.  When I was finished checking out, I did wait for someone to help me out to my car.  End Story.

How do I conclude this experience?  Well, here are a couple ways.  

1. Re-read the story, only pretend I am a man and the three men from the story are women.  Not only would this not have happened, I (as a man) would not be afraid to walk to my car.  This is an example of invisible Male Privilege;  the privilege to walk to one's car without fear after dark.  The point is not that I was going to be abducted and raped because, let's be honest, I have no idea what was going through The Creeper's mind.  Maybe (but unlikely) I was an uncanny resemblance of his sister.  Maybe he was just waiting for me to be alone so he could do horrible things.  Maybe he was trying to get a rise out of me.  Maybe he was simply doing his shopping.  The point is that due to the commonplace of men raping women in this country, I was rightfully uncomfortable.
   And something about that just isn't fair.
2. Going back to my Fight, Flight, or Polite concept-  even when women feel threatened, we don't want to react because it might cause offense.  What if we're wrong?  What if this man wasn't really following me?  What if this man didn't mean to get in my space? He may be offended if I react....
   I say this: REACT.  Sometimes, Ladies, we need to worry about ourselves.  Practice this line:  You're making me uncomfortable;  Go away.  If you're feeling polite, maybe add in a please.  No one, and I do mean no one, has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.  I used to think that in Charleston, it was nice that I met everyone's gaze to say hello.  Now, after years of class and work in the city, after years of creepoids making me feel uncomfortable and unsafe, if someone walks close enough to reach out and touch me, I have my keys in hand ready to punch them.  And you better believe I have called some people out on getting too close.  
3. Lastly, I could make some suggestions as to how to correct this issue.  I do not believe the it is a quick fix or a fix that one person can do on her own.  I also don't think that women should have to change their appearance-  I should be able to walk down the street in a string bikini and not be raped.   Here are my suggestions-  I would really love to have some more suggestions as well in the comments.  
1. Be bold.  REACT.  Be confrontational, even if it feels rude, to people who make you feel uncomfortable.  
2. Do not be afraid to be unlady-like.  Other people can get over it.  Men aren't passive and polite when challenged, and we shouldn't be either.
3. I truly advocate carrying pepper spray (Actually, at this stage in the game, I advocate carrying a gun, but that's another story entirely).  I like this place  http://www.guardian-self-defense.com/ for pepper spray.  It can be as little as $5 or as much as $60, in the shape of lipstick, on a key chain, or in the shape of a gun.
   I think if all of a sudden there were a movement where women and men stood up and said, We won't take this anymore that a great change would occur.  Who's with me?

New AntiRape Advertisement

I have recently discovered a fairly new campaign, Men Can Stop Rape and so far, I love their campaign!

This is the first advertisement I have seen that targets men.  This is VERY exciting!  This advertisement does not focus on stranger rape (which is based on power and control); it does focus on the more prevalent type of rape which is executed by a familiar simply by not having mutual consent.  While the two may seem like separate issues completely, they both take power from women over their bodies in a vile, vile way.  Both need to be stopped.

However, even more than focusing on men's responsibility to stop rape with personal restraint and responsibility, the organization ALSO encourages taking a stand against other men who are acting inappropriately to stop rape. 

I honestly can't even decide which one I love more!  This is one of the ways that feminism is good for men, too.  The world often paints men as unable to control their sexual desires.  Feminists give our men more credit than that.  So, come on, guys, Take a Stand!

8 rights for which feminists fight

When I wrote my prior article, Gender and Politics, I was asked by many exactly what rights feminists are seeking.  Yes, many refuted the wage gap, and one even sarcastically referred to his handy copy of the US Constitution.  Well, my dears, sit back and enjoy because sometimes what is more important are the things that go unmentioned.  This is a list I have compiled of some of the rights for which feminists fight. 

1.  The right for females to have any job males can have (including in the military- yay women on submarines!).

2.  The right to not be sexually harassed at the place of employment (because while this is not exclusively done to females, the VAST majority of sexually based harassment is done to a female).

3.  The right to not be a victim of domestic violence.  Did you know in the state of South Carolina that in the same year that cock fighting became a felony, a bill to make domestic violence a felony was as well on the table and it didn't pass?  And again, I know this is not only a female problem, but 95% of domestic violence is against women.  Feel free to research this topic in Full Frontal Feminism by Jessica Valenti. 

4.  The right to informed decisions about birth control (this is an issue for both men and women).  Also, on that note, many women are fighting to keep their pro-choice option as this seems to be constantly on the table for question.  Worth mentioning is that I am actually pro life, and while most feminists would denounce me as a true feminist, many would not.  There are many breeds of feminism. 

5.  The right to not be put on certain tracks in school due to age, sex, race, ethnicity, etc.  Tracking women in specific classes (avoiding STEM subjects) creates job segregation.  Jobs that are comprised of mainly women are generally paid less.  Feel free to take a closer look at this in Understanding Race, Class, Gender, and Sexuality: A Conceptual Framework by Lyn Weber.

6.  The right to not be devalued with age.  While ageism is real for both men and women later in life, it begins VERY early for women.  Women are constantly infantilized because younger and more innocent is better.  Take one look at any magazine and advertisement, and I think you'll see what I mean. 

7.  The right to not be stigmatized for being pregnant and unwed.  Men don't have that problem and neither should women.  Being pregnant and single should not keep a woman from any government job- because men aren't asked about their kids and spousal relationships prior to employment.

8.  The right to not be revictimized for being raped.  One will often here that she was asking for it by her manner of dress, the neighborhood she was in, the late hour she was out, or the mental state she was in.   I call BS (for all you LDS out there, I mean Bologna Sandwich :).  If someone says no the answer is no regardless of ANY other conditions of the event.  The conviction rate of rape is in the single digits (~6%)-  please check out this and other rape statistics here.